This is a Journal entry by Snailrind
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Snailrind Started conversation Nov 12, 2005
Ireland is playing the All-Blacks today. They'll lose.
For all you non-rugby fans out there, The All-Blacks are New Zealand's rugby team, and they are nigh-on invincible. They are like a crack team of assassins. Once they have the ball, there's no getting it back, and you might as well sit down on the pitch and have a cup of tea until half-time. Many people put the All-Blacks' success down to the psychological impact of their Haka. The Haka is a Maori war-dance, accompanied by chanting, and they do it before every game. Now, I don't know what the words mean, but the implication is unquestionably this:
FIRST WE'RE GONNA RIP YOUR HEADS OFF!
THEN WE'RE GONNA YANK YOUR GUTS OUT!
THEN WE'RE GONNA STAMP ON YOUR CORPSES!
COME AND GIVE IT A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!
It's the best warm-up for a match you're ever likely to see. It puts them in fighting spirit, pumps their muscles, their adrenaline, their testosterone--and the other team has to just stand there quietly and take it. That's got to be demoralising.
The very first time the All-Blacks played Wales and did the Haka, the Welsh fans were so affronted that they spontaneously burst into song, and sang our national anthem defiantly back at the New Zealanders. It thus became a tradition for nations to sing their national anthem before every match.
So now we get:
"FIRST WE'RE GONNA RIP YOUR GUTS OUT! (Etc.)"
"Oh yeah? Well, Land of My Fathers!"
"Ah! But, God Defend New Zealand AND God Save the Queen, because we're from New Zealand and we have TWO national anthems!"
"Aw, hell. Sospan Fach... we're gonna die. Again."
Sospan Fach is a traditional Welsh rugby song about a little saucepan. We don't need no stupid saucepan songs, we need a Haka. Why have the British teams not got Hakas? Hell, the English even have a traditional war-dance: morris dancing. Ah yes, you may scoff; you may think morris-dancing is all camp hanky-waving and bell-ringing, but what about those bloody great sticks they wield? And the antler-horns? Morris dancing could be made to be scary.
The ancient Scots roared and flailed and lifted up their kilts and jiggled their genitals at their enemy. Who would not want to run away from a big, strapping man who was doing that? Who would not be scared witless by a whole *row* of big, strapping men doing that?
We Welsh and the poor old Irish have more of a problem there. Clog-dancng and Riverdance just wouldn't cut it. We're doomed. They're doomed. We might as well all give up now.
Half-time score: Ireland 0, New Zealand 25.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
SEF Posted Nov 12, 2005
> "you may think morris-dancing is all camp hanky-waving"
Think of the diseases they could spread with those hankies. Biological warfare in sporting competitions is probably an under-researched area. You'd need something fast acting though. So perhaps chemical warfare is more the key.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
zendevil Posted Nov 12, 2005
Here are some morris dancers for you:
http://www.rathergood.com/morris_dancers/
zdt
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Snailrind Posted Nov 12, 2005
Gothly here, stealing Snailrind's identity
Morris dancing can be very hard core. My dad used to do it and some of the stick dances can get very brutal, leading to much bruising and blood. And the stuff with the swords! I think it used to be the poor man's martial art, back when they weren't allowed to do that sort of thing.
As for Wales not having a chance because we're stuck with clog dances, I think we should remember that we are the remnants of the ancient Britons. So the team should arrive on the pitch wearing woad (and nothing but woad), then perform a druidic ceremony to scare the opposition. Those who've heard of The Wicker Man know the kind of thing I mean That'll make 'em feel a bit silly about their poncy "haka".
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Snailrind Posted Nov 12, 2005
Snailrind here, snatching back my identity, thankyouverymuch!
"perhaps chemical warfare is more the key."
But what possible items of chemical warfare could be found in the changing rooms of a men's rugby team? I just can't think. No, it's no good: we'll have to go with the clogs and woad.
Hilarious link, Terri.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Sea Change Posted Nov 13, 2005
I was wondering if the link Teri and Yoda provided was meant to be humorous, because the morris dancers anywhere from around the San Francisco Bay would beat those guys bloody. They've been showing me some amazing fashions lately.
I am thinking the Welsh could douse themselves in leekjuice, it would make the NZ folks' eyes water if they came in for a close in scrum.
Tell Gothly to get her own identity!
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Snailrind Posted Nov 13, 2005
There are morris dancers in San Francisco Bay?? Did they get lost on their way to Stratford or something?
Leekjuice, eh? They've come in useful in battle before. From Shakespeare's King Henry the Fifth:
Llewellyn.
I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lousy knave..., to eat, look you, this leek; because, look you, you do not love it, nor your affections, and your appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it, I would desire you to eat it...; come, there is sauce for it. [Striking him.] ...If you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek."
"Tell Gothly to get her own identity!"
Well, Gothly has the hump, owing to the fact that nobody's commented on the wit and intelligence of post 5, and has decided not to regale you with anything further. But there's always Borkenville.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
SEF Posted Nov 13, 2005
Here's a martial art which might suit you better, Snailrind:
http://www.fudebakudo.com
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
zendevil Posted Nov 13, 2005
Nice one!
Poor Gothly, only borrowed your identity briefly & look what happens?
Hey, where can i find this country of yours, i was looking for it last night.
zdt
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
SEF Posted Nov 13, 2005
You could have just looked up at the conversation list (eg next/prev titles):
F1654951?thread=1309563
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Sea Change Posted Nov 14, 2005
I did notice that Snaily did avoid the question somewhat, so it's possible. If it is, then Gothly's running two nations. I've read that this is encouraged, as long as only one of them is in the UN.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Snailrind Posted Nov 14, 2005
No, Nyxkind is not Gothly. (But can you believe everything you read?)
What question did I avoid I probably just misunderstood something.
I didn't realise we were allowed more than one nation. I must have misread the rules. (No surprise there.)
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Sea Change Posted Nov 14, 2005
I myself forgot to answer about morris dancing. The entire bay is surrounded by one large urbanity, bound by San Fransico, Richmond, Oakland, and San Jose. Native to a number of these cities, there are american citizens who form private clubs that do morris dancing, and collectively they have a festival once a year in SF (which is how I found out about it). There is a certain overlap between these people and those who are involved in Renaissance Fair and the Society for Creative Anachronism.
BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
Wile E Quixote Posted Nov 14, 2005
What made me laugh about that clip is that I’ve seen MC Skibadee before! If I ever do again, I’ll try and remember some of those moves.
>>the Society for Creative Anachronism<< Sounds fantastic
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BEATING THE ALL-BLACKS
- 1: Snailrind (Nov 12, 2005)
- 2: Snailrind (Nov 12, 2005)
- 3: SEF (Nov 12, 2005)
- 4: zendevil (Nov 12, 2005)
- 5: Snailrind (Nov 12, 2005)
- 6: Snailrind (Nov 12, 2005)
- 7: Sea Change (Nov 13, 2005)
- 8: Snailrind (Nov 13, 2005)
- 9: SEF (Nov 13, 2005)
- 10: Snailrind (Nov 13, 2005)
- 11: Snailrind (Nov 13, 2005)
- 12: zendevil (Nov 13, 2005)
- 13: SEF (Nov 13, 2005)
- 14: Snailrind (Nov 13, 2005)
- 15: zendevil (Nov 13, 2005)
- 16: Sea Change (Nov 14, 2005)
- 17: Snailrind (Nov 14, 2005)
- 18: Sea Change (Nov 14, 2005)
- 19: Wile E Quixote (Nov 14, 2005)
- 20: Sea Change (Nov 15, 2005)
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