h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Andrea Dworkin, in an excess of envy over our lovely Ms. Fenchurch's well-kept chin-whiskers (Dworkin can only get one hair to grow, and that's out of a pimple!) has KIDNAPPED our future Ms. Bearded H2G2 2000! She is being re-programed by "womens studies" professors, who are trying to convince her that she's being "exploited" by being given the chance to teach the world that bearded women can be beautiful too!

"I don't like it. They just love her for her beard. We love her for her soul!", Dworkin replied to inquiries on the abduction, "I just can't stand to see all those shallow men enjoying themselves with Fenchurch's beard, without a thought to all the pain and agony she suffers having to keep the thing up!"

When it was pointed out that men, do indeed know the "pain and agony" of beard upkeep, Dworkin looked confused for a moment, then replied, "But men don't menestrate!"

"Could you imagine having to shave, AND menustrate?"

Fenchurch was unavailable for comment, as she is being kept in a dark hole the other side of Surry until she's "forced to re-evaluate her world posistion, and abandons the vertical-thinking imposed on her by males, and embraces the lateral-thinking (and the hairy anuses) of her sister-sufferers!".

-SCREWTERS sometime in July, 1999

*From the dark scary basement*
Hello? Can anyone hear me? Mrs. Dworkin, I really don't feel like a beautiful soul down here all alone with the spiders and such. Why are you feeding me huge slabs of pure fat? And why did you make me wear this makeup? It's disgusting, and besides, aren't you supposed to be against this stuff?
*Dworkin's voice booms from the NOW office above*
EAT THEM! You need to prove that big is beautiful!!!!! If you don't swallow down those fat pieces it won't be very convincing!
*Fenchurch*
But it doesn't taste very good, and I don't think it's very healthy...
*Dworkin*
That's because you don't have a healthy ATTITUDE about it! Now EAT!
*Fenchurch*
I'm sorry Mrs. Dworkin Ma'am. *begins to cry quietly* I want my beard back. I want my long hair back. I want my mommy .

"Let Ms. Fenchurch go! Let Ms. Fenchurch go!", the crowd screams.

"Not until she's reformed from her beard-wearing ways, and has consumed 1000 lbs. of lard!", Dworkin screams back. "Look at the girl, she's all skin and bone! You've made her an anorexic horror! Can't you see big is BEAUTIFUL?"

"But it's dark in that hole! And Fenchurch doesn't like the spiders, or the lard, for that matter!", the crowd moans.

Will Fenchurch escape the foul clutches of the radical feminists? Stay tuned NEXT WEEK, same Fenchurch time! Same Fenchurch channel!

my but i have been missing out on quite a bit now haven't i??!!...
Fenchurch....do you need some assistance down there??....is there anything i can do to help???...i have this mighty powerful badge afterall......
monsy

Yay! Monsy has arrived to shed some light on the subject! What powers come with your badge? Do you have jurisdiction in a small hole in Surrey? Will Andrea Dworkin recognise your jurisdiction if you have it?

These burning questions answered NEXT TIME!

i am not quite sure as to what powers come with this badge i have received...seems the instruction manual was lost in a freak accident, but i am sure i can figure it out on my own ............now on with trying to free Fenchurch from the evil that possesses her
monsy

*gasp!* Here comes someone!!! Will I be saved? Oh, how I want to be saved!

Hey, what's this in my pocket? Looks like an instruction manual of sorts... what does it say inside...

Safety patrol junior officer badge, 1989: to use, simply hold above you head and scream "I will never run a red light, never park in the emergency zone... and above all, I will never bug a police officer again for a sticker while he's trying to write a ticket".... hey!

*Fenchurch scratches her once-existent beard* I wonder if Monsy will know how to use it-- maybe she can save me!

*puffs with pride and determination to save Fenchurch from the evil clutches of Andrea Dworkin*.......
*holding the badge outstreched in front of her so that Andrea Dworkin can clearly see it she speaks* "stand back, i command you to leave Fenchurch in peace and allow her to do as she please"
ermmm.....it does not seem to be working, let me try something else here...... *runs up and sticks the badge over her eyes so she cannot see then clubs her with a basket of goodies*..........
monsy

Ah, Monsy has thwarted Andrea Dworkin in her attempt to re-program Fenchurch into a hairy-legged apostle of misandy! HOORAY! I'll bet Fenchurch is jolly glad she passed on that badge to you, Monsy!

The Baron shows up with a ladder, which he lets down into the small hole in Surrey, and Fenchurch climbs out, covered in lard and brushing at the spiders who have attached themselves to her.

What mishap could befall Fenchurch now? Things look so bright, so hopefull, yet there is a dark cloud on the horizon...

fear not my dear Fenchurch!!....whatever evil falls upon you i will be close behind with my allpowerfull badge
let's just hope they are not immuned to it's powers......
monsy

FAKE! All the evil powers in the world QUAKE IN THEIR BOOTS at the thought of Monshari's Badge and the powers of her force!

Even Andrea Dworkin has to run and hide in fear!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!.....I can feel the power running through my veins!!!!!!!!!..........
monsy

My bread...what has happened to my beard? *breaks down and cries* This must be post-traumatic syndrome...

here Fenchurch...do not be upset, it will grow back i promise...until it does though you can borrow this, it was my grandfathers toupee
monsy

That's right Fenchurch, despite what Dworkin says, we STILL love you, beard or no! However, that toupee on your chin needs trimming...

*snicker snicker*