h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well not really, but I'm beginning to regret my not learning Arabic when I was little. Just a little. I know I can't learn it now, it's when you little or never.

I can just imagine a visit to my mom's family in Lebanon now-
"Look! An American!" (repeated in French and Arabic, it's a three-language country)
"Let's blow her up!" (see above)
ME: "No, no, please!!! My mom's from here! Her father was Adib Sarkis--- really... look, look, my middle name is unpronouncable, that's gotta be proof-"
"Hmm..." (they think about it)
ME: "Look! I didn't get this nose from speaking English!"
"She may be right" (they converse)
"Okay, to prove you are the offspring of a Lebanese, speak some Arabic"
ME: uuh...well...I know some Arabic sayings...in English....just because the lion shows his teeth does not mean he---
"That will not work."
ME: "Uuhh...(pronounciation) bokticgha"
"That's all?"
ME: "Well....um...yah."
"It's not gonna work."
ME: "But---wait! I can name many delicious Lebanese foods, like zatar and menushi-"
"So you went to a store and looked in the foriegn foods section."
ME: "awwww...."

-=TO BE CONTINUED=-

I don't suppose Arabic numerals would quite cut it either. My advice is just to cover your ankles and hope for the best.

Well, actually Lebanon is a christian country... it belonged to France so there's lots of Maronites... so I wouldn't have to look out for my ankles as much as I would my accent

Whoops. Sorry for my ignorance. What a cultural leper I am.

Actually the only knowledge I have about Lebanon came from my maths teacher at school, who was Lebonese. Interestingly, he disappeared during my final year; just upped and left for home one weekend apparently. No one, inlcuding school administration, heard from him again.

Where are you Edmund Aboud? (If you happen to bump into him, pass on hellos from his sixth form maths class. Thanks.)

I'll tell my cousin, she's like Lebanon's "Cheers"-- she knows everyone's name. That's actually pretty interesting. Small world. However, I fear this will not help me in my attempts to stay alive if I am to go over there... hey! I could pretend I'm Canadian! I think I'll research it... I mean, all I'd have to do is pronounce things wrong...

Just ... speak ... real ... slow ... eh? And ... don't ... forget ... aboot ... the ... "eh" ... eh?

(It's okay. My aunt is Canadian. I'm allowed to say that sort of thing.)

The other option is to go for something more antipodean, like Australians or New Zealanders. Both are uncontentious, politically inert, and there are thousands of them roaming the planet at any time. And if you've seen "Neighbours" or "Crocodile Dundee" enough, the accent should be pretty easy to fake.

G'luck.

While my boyfriend can do the Aussie accent so accurately it's frightening, whenever I try I end up sounding like a Sean Connery/Austin Powers mix. I start out okay, but then it just goes downhill.... On the other hand, I've got the Canadian thing down because I had a history teacher who was Canadian, and I have a full semester of "Mr. Waller, may I ask you aboot the drooght that took place in the sooth that washed oot an entire 5th of the population, eh?" "When's that prohject due?"

I was thinking about it today, and I have another suggestion: why not just sing everything?

I don't know whether you've noticed or not, but most people (with the exception of Dolores O'Riordan and Brian Molko) lose their accent when they sing - very handy for a worldwide AOR industry. So rather than being blown up for being American, just get laughed at for being a looney.

Nothing out of the ordinary

But that is a really great idea!! I think I will do that. It sounds way fun and easy to do... now I can go to Lebanon without having to worry. And for helping me out so much, I might send you a camel...now wouldn't that be nice?

I would need to get a bigger letterbox.
And is it house-trained?

I'm sure I could find one that is.

I wouild suggest the Australian. We are such likeable people. Well, I don't think Indonesisa likes us though. Mr Slug is right, go for the Aussie accent. Maybe you could pop over here for a while before going to Lebenon so you could be taught the finer details of Aussie culture and accent

Well, okay, but my accent really needs work... and I still don't know what vegemite is... I'm sure Aussies are likeable people, I met some last week at the zoo ... and besides, you guys have a killer flag...I love it.

I hope they weren't behind the bars at the zoo. That would be very bad for Aussies.

The accent is no where near what you get in the movies. We laugh when we here Americans doing an Aussie accent, but we hate it when an Aussie has to do a fake Aussie accent just to please Americans.

Hehe no, they were just looking for the polar bears.

Hmm... So the accent isn't like what they use for the "Outback Steakhouse" commercial?
I always figured it was like Yahoo Serious'... or that guy from Savage Garden... now that I think about it, there are a lot of famous Aussies that I've never heard actually speak, just sing or something of the sort.

Well I don't know about the Outback Steakhouses, but who can take Yahoo Serious seriously.

You're better listening to news clips from Oz. Ok it's full of politicians, but no one on there tries to fake the accent. Also the recent Aussie movie released in the US, 'The Castle', was only aimed at Aussies, so there is no forced accents there.

Anyway, I hope I have helped you out with that

The Castle... hmm... I'll check it out... I don't think we get newscasts either... maybe on the international channel...now I'm really interested...

Me again. Garibaldi is right - "The Castle" is a definite must-see. And a "how-not-to" guide would be Olivia Newton-John in Grease; how she managed to screw that up so bad is a mystery.

An Australian accent is easy - I am from a nation that thrives on making fun of our trans-Tasman cousins (and yes, they are all cousins) - and we do it all the time. It's just a matter of vowel replacement:

a = eeeeee
e = eeeeeeeeeee
i = eeeeee
o = eeeeee
u = eeeeee

Very funny, you have me laughing.

The funny thing is, there are in fact different dialects of Australian speach. Queenslanders (being an ex-pat QLDer myself) talk quite slowly, and but 'ay' on the end of the sentence, ay. (Sorry, just proving a point). Also some words are used differently, and or pronounced differently.

Oh Fenchurch, as for the Vegemite, check out my thread there is some important info in there that you should read.

Even in a country as small as New Zealand there are different dialects.
Well to be more accurate, everyone speaks normally except for those in a place called Invercargill in the South Island, where they roll their r's so much they all sound like a tractor. Which is what most of them drive anyway.

And (being new to this whole thing) has the Marmite vs Vegemite debate been and gone yet?