h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells the ground mechanics what problems they have encountered during the flight. The mechanics correct the problem and complete the response sheet telling the pilots what action has been taken. You will never look at pilots and engineers in the same light again, read on...

P: PROBLEM LOGGED BY THE PILOT
S: SOLUTION AND ACTION TAKEN BY THE ENGINEER


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-Land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent!
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground!

P: Evidence of leak on right landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction lock causes thrust lever to stick
S: That's what it's there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspect crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Number 3 engine located on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft told to be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Target radar reprogramed with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a small child pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Hammer taken away from small child.

Very good

hope you don't have a fear of flying!

Never had the oppertunity to find out

Try it on for size! Take a short trip somewhere and back, it's cheap to fly these days. Where do you live, where's your nearest airport?

Either Nottinghma, East Midlands or Hemel Hempstead, Luton. May actually get my first flight in during the summer

Don't know the others, but I know East Midlands well. They actually do special flights for people who are nervous of flying! You get taken by the pilot through the whole process and get special treatment whilst on board. Contact the British Airways desk at East Midlands Airport and ask about their program for nervous passengers, there's no better place to start!

I don't think I'd be a nervous flier, I'm not afraid of heights or the such like, but I can't say I'm not afraid of flying until I've actually flown and tried it out.

Great, like I said then, try it on for size. You can go to Dublin for £45, and it's only 40 minutes flying time, ideal for your first go.

Will do, as soon as the next exams are out the way I'll have a couple of weeks free.

Flying around Britain is surprisingly cheap too. To fly from Birmingham to Edinburgh is actually cheaper than going by train!

Yes, I was planning to fly from East Midlands to Edinburgh in the summer

Edinburgh's a good town!

Certainly is , only ever been there once, and that was just to get an ice cream on the way back from Skye, but I want to go back.

I spent some time there a good few years ago now, I expect the place has changed a great deal. I only really remember Princes' Street, and how attractive it all was.

I just went to the castle to have a look at the view, which was stunning.

Have you roamed about Scotland at all? The countryside is very rugged and beautiful, especially in the Highlands.

Been around Fort William and Skye, brilliant places. I'm probably going backpacking in the highlands in the summer.

Crickey ACE, I must be psychic or something!

Why, you guessed I was going backpacking?