h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Talk about the bleedin' unbelievable!

I've coped with a lot of stuff in my time; unfaithful husbands and lovers, wife beatings, an.. erm... interesting childhood; I've coped with single parenthood, and toddler crises. A mad con woman who ripped me off my life savings and a house in Eire, and starting up with absolutely nothing again in the country of my birth - which felt a darn sight more foreign than my adopted old home 10 years ago?... a doddle!

Teenage dramas, including joy riding, drunk'n'disorderly, various strange friends of the lads causing all SORTS of challenges... the realisation that I don't just have a crook back, I've got a life time sort of disability to come to terms with.

Hah! All simple stuff!

This evening, my mother phoned me. This is the mother who has seldom if ever offered any form of affection as I've learned over the years is the norm, nor encouragement, or support. The mother who has been incredibly unaffectionate to my two lads. This is the lady, who, 2 weeks after my dad died, after just under 50 years of marriage started considering the possibility of finding a new partner thru the lonely hearts ads!

She's offered to take the lads and I on a week's cruise to the Mediterrainin, in late August if you please!

And I'm telling you now... if I can get Kevin no2's birth certificate from Eire, and chivvy the Passport Office into issuing us passports in time, I'm going to grab the offer with both hands.

I haven't had a holiday for over 20 years. I've never been able to afford to take the lads on a familly holiday; ever. Not a real, waited on hand and foot, with sun, sea and (wiv a bit of luck) the other "s" type holiday.


It's an all in, all expenses paid week away from the dole, and beans on toast and scraping around charity shops for essential stuff type holiday. All I've got to do is get the lads and I down to Gatwick to get on the plane to the ship... and I can save up for that!

All I have to do is be courteous to the hand that feeds me for a week.

Yeah.

I think I could cope with that.

Someone pinch me, will you? I'm sure I'll wake up in a minute and find it's all been a bit of a dream.

Hi
Just came across your posting to the Average Hootooer thread and saw the aromatherapy reference. I too am qualified but am too busy with my other job/partner/house etc to get round to actually doing any. Shame you can't practice but I hope you get someone to practice on you once in a while.
Love your stuff about witchery - personally I don't think the pagan stuff and the lentils is necessary, just raw talent. And you're clearly a Pratchett fan - here's another one. Just started on Hatfull of Sky - always good to see another Discworld witch coming into her own.
Anyway I hope you've managed to get through the qualifying week ok and the holiday is still on.

Narapoia
Clandestine and proud of it.

Hallo

Nice to meet a pratchett fan, and fellow smelly - as such.

I liked Hatful of Sky - I think young Tiff is going to be as annoyingly good as Ms Weatherwax meself. Mind you, anything by Mr P. is worth reading, far as I'm concerned....

I am still fighting for passports...... the 2 lads were born in Eire, so firstly there was a taraa as to whether they were British Citizens. Apparently - because I am, they are, too. Now we're down to sorting out son no.1's surname - he's always used mine (as has his brother) but the PwersThatBe need a sworn affidavit from me saying, honestly, REALLY, he's always used my surname, and they also need to see my original birth certificate .. which is a bit of a problem as I,too, am applying for a passport - which of course... needs my birth certificate!

As for son no.2... well, you know the bit that has "a person of repute" to sign a bit on the form (and the back of their photo) that this person is who they say they are? My "person of repute" has a BScHons, and both she and I have had to redo the whole section twice (so far) to the Passport Office's satisfaction. Because Son no 2 is 15 - and therefore a minor - it is "I" who am applying on his behalf... so the BScHons has to vouch for "me" and NOT - as you'd think - Son no 2.

I think next life I shall be coming back as a Rocket Scientist - in order to achieve a passport, if nothing else!

So far, the holiday looks like it may still well be on, as long as
A) We get the passprts in time and
B) Mum doesn't change her mind (which, going on her track record, is a distinct possibility)

I've replied to your posting before I had the sense to whizz over to your Space or read the Average Hootoo -er from you. I shall remedy that in a minute.....

In the meantime, thanks for dropping by - you're very welcome!

Aha! Am I right in thinking you are a fellow Scorpio with absolutely no concept of middle age (whatever that is)?

If so... oh goody!



(I tried being adult for around a year in my mid twenties and found it such a culture shock I reverted immediately back to being 17. And I've stayed there. Don't know about you, but I ENJOYED being 17!)

So far, it seems to have lasted nearly 30 -very odd - years!

A Scorpio too! Spooky. I think there ought to be a smiley for those spine tingling (rather than spine chilling) moments. And yes, I'm determined to grow old disgracefully and I know I'm in good company. I'm not really into purple hats but if you've heard the story you'll know what I mean (it's one of those stomach churningly twee internet chain letter things that I delete along with all the ones that tell you it's bad luck to delete them. I ain't a Scorpio for nowt).

I will keep my fingers crossed for the passports - I'd forgotten what a workup it is, for one person, let alone kids too.
I can imagine how excited the kids must be getting - so I hope mama keeps her side of the bargain.
I'm off on hols myself on Saturday - going to Sri Lanka and can't wait.
You enjoy yourself too!

Sri Lanka - wow! I've heard it's amazing there. One of my friends went there a few years ago, and somehow envigieled her way into joining a herd of elephants being bathed, so enjoy every minute of it.

Your name intrigues me - where does it come from? Mine is self evident - and I regret to say, I@ve had a purple hat and redcoat that doesn't "go" for a lot of years before I heard of the poem! (Maybe *I* was that role model? Frightening thought)

I'm not sure the kids are "excited" as such... more calculating, inasmuch as they're trying to work out scams that will enable them to be able to buy beer in the ship's bar without them being caught as minors! Me, I'm still wondering if it'll turn into a weekend in Bognor, meself....

Whilst you're off to sunny Sri Lanka, I'll be doing a Craft Fayre - the trial run of my new business; I can't massage much anymore (too painful to stand for an hour) but I'm making a range of lotions and potions for the bath and pots of skincare and stuff like that - bespoke aromatherapy, if you like - so I'll be in a state of panic on Saturday, when the boxes I'll be packing explode (the bath bombs I've made are... unstable to say the least) and I find I've forgotten something vital. And on Sunday I'll be lurking behind my stall, hopefully selling my goods to an unsuspecting public!

If nothing else, I should achieve a suntan of sorts. And possibly a bit of spending money to bail the kids out, when they get caught!

Have a good holiday

I shall be doing my best to avoid getting burnt - I don't really do brown, more salmon pink. And we're due to go to a couple of elephant places including an orphanage (1,2,3, ahhhhh).
Good luck with the potions - I'll catch up with you in a few weeks!

PS. I just invented the name - I do a lot of cryptic crosswords and spoonerisms (or is that oonerspisms) crop up occasionally. Since then I have googled it and discovered that someone wrote a short story called Narapoia - rather odd it was too.

N.

Mum rang this evening; she's fed up waiting on me "pratting about" with the passports, and has decided she didn't want to go on a cruise anyway - she'll do Barbados on her own at Christmas instead.

Tell me why I'm not all that surprised.

I haven't told the lads yet - and I'm really really not looking forward to it, either.

Ah well. It was a nice dream while it lasted.

What a bummer - and when it was getting so close, too. I'm really sorry. I guess if you've got the passports sorted it means she wouldn't be able to use the same excuse again, but that's small consolation.
I've just got back from my 2 weeks, which were great, but I won't bang on about them.
How was the craft fair?

Allo allo allo! I was just thinking about you. (Well, 3 or 4 days ago, but with my sense of time that's "just"). Was going to contact you and find out how you were. Cue Twilight Zone music.

Go for it girl. You can manage a week of biting your tongue - easily!

ANOTHER fellow Scorpio with absolutely no concept of middle age?

Oh Ev . Bummer indeed. You'll have been expecting it of course but still, you always hope this time will be the one when she finally DOESN'T let you down don't you?

She's 74 - and incapeable of changing the habits of a lifetime.



What ELSE could you expect from a Libran with the sort of planitary configurations she's got in HER chart!

I'll survive. And hold on to the towel for my OWN holiday, thanks!

Oh! Hiya Narapoa, didn't see you there! Nice to see you back - lightly tanned, I trust?

I'd like to hear about the trip to Sri Lanka - thanks for the tact, but I don't begrudge anyone else going off on their holliers, and I won't be hurt or anything to hear about them. Must admit, I did wonder if you got to see the elephants, and was dying to find out!

The Craft Fayre.

H'mmm.

Do you really want to know?
(Get the hankies out) It was an unmitigated failiure - I had loads of stock, we had over 80 stalls, entertainments, etc, and... about 200 people - as opposed to the 2,000 plus visitors we had last year.

Those that visited, did buy, but alas, not enough visitors, so I didn't even make my stall fee, let alone a profi.

However, on the plus side, I shall be the cleanest pauper in Thanet!

Oh yes

Have you two been formally introduced?

Narapoia, meet Tefkat
Tefkat, meet Narapoia

(THINK I've got the spellings right, this time!)

Oh honey! What a f**king drag! First the let-down about your trip and then the poor turn-out at the craft fair.

Well, never mind. You can still contact the friend I mentioned who might want to flog some of your stuff in her shop.

As for the lost holiday, well, perhaps just as well? Meaning it might not have been all that great being stuck on a boat with your mother for all that time anyhow. Don't mind me, just looking for some sort of silver lining . . .



az

You'll want to hear about our holiday then?
The sun came out 3 times but not actually for long enough to dry the wet things from the other 19 days, white van man knocked my wing mirror through the side window and thanks to the weather it took 4 days for the overnight carriers to get the new window to Inverness from Birmingham and the Forestry Commission campsites have dreadful disabled rooms but both landslides missed us

AND I managed to find pink, purple and green hair dye (in Inverness????)

Your timing is obviously like mine. When I qualified no-one was interested in reflexology. Now that I can't do it any more everyone is

Hiya Narapoia. Pleased to meet you.

As I feel I know some of you, do you mind if I sit in the corner here and listen to your conversation.

I feel very comfortable here, it's as though I have met you in person. And I know one of you will soon receive something, but take no notice of the ramblings of an old granny.... well, not SO old. I'll just sit quietly over here. Oops! Just move the fizzy balls before I sit down!

Shall I make ?

Carry on!

UG