h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My word, what a little ray of sunshine I am to be sure

Life continues, I suppose. Well, a sort of life, anyway. I feel appaulingly ill most days, with the ususal chronic pain, spak hands, and and extra helpings of ouch during the nights, so I'm unable to sleep in order to convaless quicker; consequently I am beyond tired, beyond exhausted, and its hard to concentrate. Add to that the painkillers, which of necessity slow me down (morphine is a dis-assossiative) and you can add an extra helping of self frustration.

I cannent go back to swimming (which at least controls the pain to an extent) because the routine aberlation isn't quite a routine recovery, and internal sanitary protection is out of bounds till at least Novemeber. And I can't predict when I need it.



I'm not an unintellegient person. I know this of all things. But I can objectively see myself saying inane things and being unco-ordinated. So I'm appearing to outsiders as an aimiable idiot.

Which possibly I am, anyway. But I can be that quite happilly without pain, illness and mind buggeriung drugs, thank you.

The house is a tip but the jobs I want to do in it are physically beyond me.

Time Management and summoning up the impetus to *do what I can do is getting more and more difficult.

I've got the Council on my back hassling one way, and the DLA is conspicuous by its absence.

I'm dealing with all this - and most of the time, objectively, I can still see I'm coping pretty well.



Son number one is working all hours and is loaded down with the responsibilities *i should (as a mum and a more experienced adult) be doing. I hate watching him get thinner and more hard faced; it hurts to watch him realise so early on in his life that Life isn't fair, and see his increasing disillusionment at so young an age.

And son number two is worrying the life out of me for totally different reasens. It's like watching history repeat itself, and now, as then, I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop him from hurting himself further.

I've suspected for a while now he has a Problem. Now, whether its drink or drugs I'm not sure, but I know its an addiction problem. I can't prove anything, so I cannot confront him.... (I'd dredge up the energy to do that, from somewhere)

His more established friends have started to avoid him, and the ones that do phone or call round are not *good people; I don't judge them, and nor is it any of my business as to who he chooses as mates, but I know as sure as I know my name thses people are not beneficial to have around him. They don't get past the door with me.

He's moody, idle, manipulative and can be - if I let him get away with it - appaulingly unkind. To me especially (I'm a useless crip who's incapeable of doing much, and the rest of my life is nothing much to be proud of - apparently. And that's one of the the more objective comments. That boy knows how to hurt and demoralise)

He's equally scathing and unpeasant to his brother, too. But to what mates he has, he's Mr Party Time, Mr Nice.

And I know, this is the behaviour of an addict, just as his father was, and his grandfather before him. It isn't the behaviour of an immature teenager. I don't want to say that, or face it, but I HAVE said it, and I Am facing it, and I don't like how I feel about either action.

I've reared a House Devil/Street Angel after all.


And soon he's 18. An adult. No longer, legally, my responsibility.

Son number one - and the circle of friends I have (kind, decent people, softies like Sue, June, Sarah) have all come to the same conclusion - my little household will be better off, happier and less stressed without him in it.

And the shock of not having those he feels the most secure with giving him the choice of "Shape Up - or Ship Out" may jolt him into awareness that his anti social behaviour is unacceptable.

I suppose, indirectly I'm quietly wailing "Where did I go wrong with the lad?" But the short answer is, I don't think I have. I did my best, he was always treated as an individual, and he wasn't short of the love, care and interest I was capeable of giving. I don't think he can blame all his angst on me being ill/creaky.

It's a reasen to be angry and frustrated, but not an excuse to foul his own life up thru addiction.

But I am wailing inside, because we've given him a deadline...the deadline is looming fast, and he has made no attempt to reach out, to staocktake his life and make good decisions for his own well being (NOT ours, his)

And I will NOT enable him - that's not loving a child, that's indulging him.

So I have the unenviable task of saying "Go. You're 18, an adult, and your self made problems and outfall are unacceptable You have to take your own consequences for your own actions. Without me. And without your friends and familly, because you've alientated us from you"


And somewhere along the line I've got to find the inner strength to stick to my guns and go thru the whole performance of Tough Love again. Which is exactly what it says on the tin. Appearing and being tough. Feeling sorry for him, but NOT immediately jumping in and trying to remove the pain and misery he's going to feel. Watching him suffer (and the poror little sode *will suffer, I know that) and allowing him the time and space to work thru it on his own terms.

I have all the strength of a wet marshmallow nowadays. Doing the Tough Love route 18 years ago was hard enough. I don't know if I can do it again.

How the hell am I going to manage this?

For godssake, someone shoot me, I can't even get the blasted title right, despite preview.

And no, its not a hanging offense, but ......I rather rely on communication by writing. And to be understood, it's useful to at least get some of the owrds right.

...or at least some of the letters in the right order

Oh my god, you seem to be having one hell of a sh*t time

Not knowing anything about you apart from reading this post, can i ask what ailment you have?

Your son number 2, seems lost in a world he knows nothing about, but again not knowing circumstances, its hard for me to comment.

My first thought is that you have tiny shoulders trying to bear one heavy load, your whole post was you blaming yourself for everything.

But, again as i know nothing of your position past and present, i am kind of stuck.

If you wish to chat further, i am here

Bovril

Hiya

O-K

What ailment do I have? Degenerative Spine, Arthritus, IBS, possibly fibromyalgia, etc etc etc. Lots and lots of painful and physically debilitating stuff. In the last couple of months I've been hospitalised 4 times (3 in patients and one quick dash from A&E before they could change their minds!) so... yeah, it's been a tad on the stressy side, you could say!

Please, feel free to check the other diary entries BK; I assumed EVERYONE knew I had a crook back by now! Seems to me I moan about it enough of the time, anyway

The current position is much as I've stated. Son number one is being remarkably adult and responsible (thru choice) and son number 2... well.

"My past? Good grief! (thats a saga in itself!)

When I said "its like history repeating itself" I meant exactly that. The boy's da (who I lived with on and off for around 10(?) years was an alcoholic - sometimes drinking, sometimes dry, and occasionally he went in to be dried out/rehabilitated.

I could cope with th fact that he was ill, but what I refused to accept was when he began beating and bullying the lads - we left him pronto; (they were 3 and 2 years old respectively) but I did a lot of Tough Love before then, and I know he found it increasingly difficult to cope with the fact that he wasn't able to manipulate/steal/blag me as he used to be able to

(Love may be blind, but I finally got glasses)

I don't think I was blaming myself BK... I know it's not *all my fault No 2 has Problems. I'm there, but I obvioulsy don't give him what support he wants - I give him what I think he needs emotionally, even if I can't fiscally. I know he's sick of having a sick mum (and *mum is sick of being a n invalid, too, but it's one of those things that can't be changed - the clue, as I keep telling the DLA is the word "Degenerative".... it means to degenerate/fall to bits.)

My main concern is how to help Son no 2 in the best way possible. I can't force him to admit and deal with his problems,

(only he can do that, as could his da; the awful thing is, his da never DID Hit Bottom, and as far as I know is still drinking himself daft and messing up himself and other people's lives even now.)

If that happens to his son, then..OK, that's his sons' choice, but I don't think I could bear to witness it again. but I know he has a better chance of recovery if I make it as difficult as I can for him to keep it going. Which means I make sure I detatch gently but firmly. He's a manipulaitive little beast and I've been conned many times in protecting him unknowingly. I don't want to do that any more.

Tisn't doing me OR the lad any favours in the long run.

Facts are:

I suspect he has a drink OR drug problem and he is either becoming, or already is addicted. He has absolutely foul and totally erratic moods swings,he's very angry, but paradoxically very quiet (No one but his da could do such loud silences) He puts on a brash, confident front, but just occaisionally comes out with views or questions that indicate to me there's a very frightened, insecure litttle person in there

Trouble is, I'm no pushover, but there are times I am more than just a touch frightened of his behaviour.

Try positive feedback? He'll sneer
Try to show affection? He'll push you away
Try to discuss *anything he doesn't want to talk about - the lad can be scathingly viscious.

And he is a master of evasion and rhetorical arguments.


He will blame anyone and everything for anything that upsets him, and throws incrediable strops if either I, his brother or anyone else disagrees with his reasening.

is that enough info to be going on with? Quite happy to answer questions if it's not

Its nice you think I've tiny shoulders for such a big load. I guess they've served me pretty well all this time. If I could just have a bit of time out I could probably take the load up again OK

Unfortunately, Life doesn't hand out free holidays, knights in shining armour or Lottery wins very often

And besides, I couldn't afford a ticket, so I'm stuffed on the last one

Blimey, i better grab a seat and have a good read, if i dont reply today, its cause i am about to sign off and pop out for a while

I wouldn't worry if you don't have time to reply today mate - it's going to take you a good 24 hours or so to plough thru the last 3 diary entries I'd reckon!


Have a good evening

Considering all the fun you are having, you still manage to put it all into light-hearted manner and scoff at your own hard times, in a way of "well sh*t happens" and that is good, even though it is a pain in the a*se.

Believe me you are not alone in troubled times, everything seems to happen all at once and there are only so many balls you can juggle. Most of that, alas, is just life making sure you are still there and still aware that you have a responsibilities.

Your illness is one that you can do nothing about really, either accept it and deal with it the best you can or give up and say 'sod life'.

You seem to strong to do the latter

Your issue with your boy is the main crux, it looks to me as though he is hanging around with the wrong crowd, which at his age there is nothing you can do apart from be there for him if he did need you.

But going by what you said, he sounds like he wants to be Mr. Independant, does he work? or does he contribute anything towards the house?

You are worried about an addiction you think he might have. With alcohol, tell tell signs would appear quite obvious, smell of breath, drinking at home, speech. With drugs it is more difficult to tell.

But even if he did have a problem he probably wouldnt listen to you anyhow. You see it as wanting to help, he sees it as wanting to interfere

What is his usual routine?

Does he chat with his brother at all?

Its a pretty accurate assessment I reckon BK!

Yep - being not alone - or *knowing that, sort of helps; Life isn't going to stop if I give up or if I decide the more up beat "Up Yours" attitude. So I may as well make fun of it for my own benefit. The day it stops being a choice (as such) I will probably exit early from the party, but I don't see me ever being beaten enough to do more than *consider it an option. Having that option is a safeguard for not using it; so generally speaking, I'm alright there!

* does he contribute anything towards the house?

The absolute bare minimum in the way of housework, and the only way we can get house keeping out of him is for him to give it to his eldest brother - he refuses to hand it to me "because you do s*d all mum" (ie, I don't work.) Thats only happened in the last few weeks, when Eldest came up with the Plan that we both said He'd taken over the tenancy. As he's bigger and has established he's Alpha in of the two, Younger does what he's told - from his brother.

Unfortunately, his brother is out (at work) a lot of the time - but he has more energy than me and a lot more persistence in standing over Younger whilst he gets it out of the Hole in the Wall.

The day Younger saw I was physically smaller and weaker than him

(and the joke *is, apart from an occaisional parental clip round the ear I didn't use physical chastisement. I found reasening and simple authority worked a lot better) that was the day he began to take advantage, as such

He goes to college 3 days a week, and after a lot of pressure has found himself a little job; but his time keeping is lousy, and unless I actually pour him into the car and get him there (which I'm refusing to do now, on the grounds he won't contribute petrol money and basically takes the p**s) I can't see him being kept on

Of the two addictions, I would go for drugs, more. I know he drinks but to be honest, he's pretty canny about hiding it when he's drunk. He'll seldom get near enough for me to small his breath (and my sense of smell is rottern, anyway!) let alone hug him.

Wrong crowd? More than likely. He always went for the flashier, brasher and... not evil, but certainly more materialistic lads. Eldest went through a stage of that, but was willing to ask advise, or at least discuss stuff with me; he's got a kinder set of mates (probably just as naughty as Youngest's lot) and they all look out for each other. They are also keeping an eye on Youngest, and doing their best to encourage him to join them rather than the flashier lads.

Does he chat with his brother?

Sometimes - usually when he wants something, though. I don't think he's ever felt secure enough to be able to confide in anyone, poor lad.

Also, as time has gone on, Eldest has come round to a more mature way of thinking, which probably makes Youngest feel he's on "my" side.

He's not; he's just grown up, thats all.

He seems to paradoxically adore the Eldest, and utterly despise him. The only time he ever worried and shared his worries about Eldest was when he saw his brother going around with a scummy crowd.

"What are you going to *do about it mum. Make him STOP"

(And I don't need to explain to you the futility of forcing anyone to stop!) Youngest cannot get his head around the concept that no-one can control anyone or anything but their own environment.

Well - he has in one way; he tries to control *his environment by controlling others

But he's almost paranoid about seeing Others controlling him.

I think its this paranoia that suggests to me "addiction"

I know of old offering any real help or support until he's ready to accept it is not a Good Plan.

I know I've made it clear though, that there is absolutely no subject I wouldn't be prepared to discuss, with them (I think I've listened to most of the kids in this neighbourhoods problems over the years; I'm usually quite good at listening and not judging) and virtually nothing (short of wholesale murder,rape,genocide etc) that would put me off either of them.

If its not addiction, then it may well be Borderline Autism (I think it's something inherent within us all, the inability to relate to one degree or another to society) but I also don't want to make excuses.

Social Services have assessed us, and we're a virtually No Need Household, so no support there. We have to be at the ASBO stage (when all the damge is done)

You're right about the Mr Independent *want... trouble is, Mr Independent expects the whole world to drop everything and attend to his needs/wants/whims/expenses. Getting money owed out of him is likegetting blood out of a stone, believe me.

Needs I'll bend over backwards (metorphorically speaking) to meet. Real Needs is important.

Whims and wants have to form an orderly queue along with everyone else. And negotiated.



The latest "blame" on me is that he has never had a Father Figure to mould himself upon.

Its a reasen to be sad, but not a reasen to not fulfil his own potential, if you see what I mean.

His dad had a lot of good points as a person (intelligent, talented, very funny and good company) but... I couldn't run the risk of either of them basing their conception of what a "dad" (and indirectly an adult man) should be like by tamely allowing them to witness violence, vomiting and irrisponsible behaviour.

I know Al Anon and the Alcohol councellor assured me that as long as there was one "normal" parent for a child to watch as a role model, they had a good chance of being healthy adults, but as his father refused to accept Youngest as his own (he was - I was definately there for both conception and birth) of the two, Youngest was the more savagely bullied.

I could go on, but I have a feeling you may need to ask more questions.

Your turn!

Oh dear

Well - whether its drink or drugs (and this morning I think it could be drink) the nightmare is starting all over again.

Lets take it from the top

Last night, Eldest said to me in passing that he couldn't bear much longer to have his brother living with us

I asked "why not in particular? I thought Youngest was paying you rent and you were OK with that"
"Never mind his rent - he'd want to sort himself out a LOT more than that mum"
"OK... what do you know that I don't know about him?" (Like I've already said to you, BK, I can only assess Youngest by his behaviour here...and what he tells me...and mostly by hear say. And by who does and who doesn't call for him.

"A hell of a lot. I'll deal with him, but don't you dare interfere when I tell him to leave"

By this time he was half way out on his way to work.

I told him I wanted him to sit down and explain what he knows to me, so that I could make my own decisions. He said fair enough, he would. "One's really a petty reasen" he said, "but he reminds me far too much of how Dad was and its doing my head in mum. I can't bear this much longer"

So looking objectively at that, it sounds a bit dramatic, but I know the Eldest doesn't often come out with stuff he soesn't actually mean or believe in.

Fast forward to this morning.

If I just gave up, and gave into the physical pain I'm constantly in, I'd just turn my face to the wall and stay in bed. I don't. I set the alarm and get up. I push myself thru the pain barrier every day; I do my best to fulfil my responsibilities, even if they're not terribly important ones.

But its important to me I get up, I ensure tea is made, breakfast prepped and eaten, etc etc.

So, as usual at weekends I was up around 7.30am

Youngest was in the living room

"Morning love, you're up early"
"Ahh... just got in mum - I haven't slept all night"
"Oh? Doing what?"
"Beer of course mum! I'm really tired. Can you ring up (workplace* and make up an excuse and tell em I'll be in later on, tonight instead? About 10.30 this morning would be cool. Night"

and off he sloped upstairs.

BK he looked awful - swollen eyes, waxy skin. I guessed he was drunk because he was civil.

It was like a time warp - apart from the clothing, there was his father again, right infront of me.

I said, before he got to the top of the stairs "I'll do it this once, but I will never make excuses for you again. Do you understand what I have said?"
"Yeah mum, thats cool"

So I rang up and told his boss that Youngest really wasn't in a fit state to come to work this morning, but I would ensure that he'd be persuaded to get into work this evening"

I know this is enabling - BUT I was also advised that arguing, remonstrating etc when anyone was under the influence was about as useful as trying to herd cats. (memory loss, etc etc, selective hearing)

I've pootered thru the day. Its been a particually painful one, and at 2.30 I was beyond tired and physically sick with pain so I crawled upstairs for a lie down.

At 3.00pm. Youngest was yelling for me, asking had I phoned Work

Yes I had
And what did I tell them?
I told him what I told them.
I asked him whether he was going into work
No - he was still too tired to go to work, he was going back to bed

Oh no he wasn't.

Being tired, I siad, struggling to sit up is absolutely no excuse for not fulfilling your responsibilities.

Lead by example Evadne, I said to myself. Don't give him the opportunity to say "You say YOU'RE tired and don't do anything" and get into one of those round and round arguments.

Fortunately, I didn't need to even begin a lecture. The phone went - its his Work "are you coming in or not mate?"

Upshot? I made him breakfast whilst he got ready for work. I asked to speak with him whilst he was eating. I stopped him from hogging the PC (i was all logged in for myself, but that seldom stops him climbing on deleting whatever I or his brother are doing and generally taking over.

I pulled the plug out of the television so he couldn't turn it on so he didn't have to listen to me

(though god alone knows how much damage and more pain I'll suffer as a consequence for that simple action. Moving fast - infact ANY form of movement is agony. But I still managed it)

I said word to the effect of

I was very concerned for him. I could see his behaviour was not beneficial to him, and its in his own best interests to address it. If he continued to behave irresponsibly and selfishly, the consequences to him will be not in his best interests

(And yes, it was almost as formal as that. What I've learnt NOT to do with Youngest is to use imprecise wording, metaphors, analogies etc. He's very good at twisting innocuous phrases into the meaning HE wants to argue about)

Of course, predictably, what Isaid was dismissed, ridiculed and denied. I was talking sh*te, I was talking nonsence and there was nothing wrong with the way he behaved, it's ME thats the problem


( Now... where have I heard *that particular answer from before, I wonder

Like I said, it was like a time warp. I didn't feel good about it, but I've learned from the past, and I *think (despite the painkillers, which *do slow me down a lot) that I can still deal with the Now... rather than think "Oh... he's just like his dad, lets use the same behaviour"

I responded to the present behaviour. I was calm, I didn't resort to cheap jibes and smart answers, and I repeated my message again.

Anyway, Youngest has swept out to work (or so he tells me, anyway) but his parting shot was

"Thanks mum. You've just told me I'm a (expletive) I feel sorry for you, that you think so very little of your own creation. Thanks for thinking I'm a complete heap of "

I replied " I *think you could be an absolutely superbe person once you've sorted yourself out. I think its time you did just that before you hurt yourself further"


Gawd, what a sorry load of waffle this is all.

I'm damned if I express myself with this lad...and I'm equally damned if I don't


Help? She says, hopefully

Its pretty much as i expected you to write.

You say that your older son also had similar dealing when he was your younger sons age, what is the age gap between them?, you may well have said already.

It is good that son2 looks to son1, even if it is for a reason to benefit himself i.e. someone he pays house keep to, someone in a way he might even look up to, son1 has in a way also become his 2nd dad, and older figure who he could, if wanted, relate to.

Son1 should be aware of this and realise that he has a new role to play in which could help son2.

He has been without a father figure for some while now and blaming you for that is a poor excuse, and wants to pass the buck. But by him wanting to pass the buck is in a way a good thing, strange as it sounds, cause deep down he realises that he has problems that he cant share, or is, and this is a big IS...frightened to share. He bottles all this up inside and only way he can see to expel it is by vicious verbal outbursts, most of which seem directed towards you

Whats he studying at college?, he thinks the future has no real interest for him, but what does he want to do job wise, do you know.

Back to the father figure again, it sounds as though his father not being around is a good thing in the long run, based your detail about him.

My daughter is 19 now and we have had some sh*t times with her over the last 3-4 years, she moved out, slagged us down to her friends, friends my ass, all druggies, then when she realised she couldnt cope, she came home with big sorrys and said she will change, damn right she will and we will make sure this happens, and this is just today.

As i am typing this, she is bringing her stuff in from the car downstairs, she only now realises how life was easy at home, she wanted to be Miss Independant, and it didnt work, i told her she has to understand life before trying to be part of it the way she wanted to.

But i digress, in a way your son is very similar to my daughter, take take and no give give, consequences, pah, who cares, thats their attitude, and believe you me, its not the way they are brought up, i, like you, have brought up my 3 kids to respect, care, think and act.

Sometimes the outside world looks at things differently and screws up the teaching of parents and however hard we try, we will never get it right, cause someone else has taught their kids a different way of life.

There is only so much you can do, and then its time to take a back seat and watch from a distance.

But not yet though, all you can do is be there when being there is required.

Age gap between my two litle dears is 15months. Eldest was 18 July 05, Youngest is going to be 18 in 3 weeks time - October 06

Son no 2 may well look to No 1 as a Role Model - but... I dunno, it seems damned tough on the Eldest to parent someone of his own peer group.

But needs must, I guess. There's not much he can't cope with, when all's said and done. But its tough for him. He's well aware of the role he's elcted to play; doesn't LIKE it much, but he's pretty damned good.

I understand what you mean about the "reflective" bile from number 2 - I'd forgotten the rationale behind it - but I knew enough not to take it personally as such.

College? Music Technology and Business Studies. He's in his 2nd year. If he keeps it going (and he's an intelligent lad, but not actually intelligent enough to *study much, as such; he relies more on natural arrogance and wit to see him thru) and IF he can Sort Himself, then he's the ruthlessness to carve a pretty well paid career out of it.

He doesn't have to be *nice, and as a personality he's not a particually caring sort. But yep - he's all taketake and givegive isn't even in his equation yet.

I despair he'll ever learn that bit.

Thats what saddens me the most, I guess. Nothings ever written in stone, but I don't hold out uch hope of him ever learning. Thats the tough bit, I find. Watching him foul up to his detriment.

I've forgotten how to detatch - run it by me again, when you've time, please? In stages?

But in the meantime - good luck to you and your daughter. Sounds like you're going to need it.

There's always a drama going on with parenting, isn't there? Twould be bloody boring if there wasn't I suppose.




Thanks.

It is unfair on son1 to be given a role he neither asked for or probably doesnt want, but by the looks of son2's friends, all he has got in his life is his brother as an older male figure, be it 18 months or 18 years.

Even though son2 might not show it to son1, in his mind he knows that son1 is there, and that can only be a good thing, it means that he doesnt have to isolate himself all the time.

Plus, it could also be a good learning advantage for son1 as well, it will make him stronger in mind for his years to come, true adulthood is a big step for anyone, and son1 already has a head start on most without even realising it.

With son2 college, he will work out what he needs to be doing to pass and succeed, as you said his is quite intelligent and hopefully realises that it is only him who can control the the future he carves out from college, of course, verbal backing from you by making him know you do give a damn, and hows his is doing, that sort of thing.

He will learn the take and give thing, but to him, he doesnt need to learn that yet, its when the take take stops that the eyes will open.

Detaching or stepping back, its basically you carry on with what you are doing and while you are doing that he will continue blasting you, blaming you and being the person he is.

If it happens, go to another room, say your going to have a bath or shower now, pop to the shops, pick up a book and read, in a roundabout way, ignore him, do your own thing.

Do you cook for him?, do you clean up after him?, wash and iron clothes for him?, tidy his bedroom?.

If you do then dont do as much, let him realise that he relies on you too much, because by the sounds of it you seem to do everything.

My daughter will be fine, she just needs a reality check and a wake up call from the household

Yea, and i still have 15 and 13 year old boys to get to the "oh my god" stage

Good evening!

No, I DON'T spend my time hunched over the screen looking for replies - it just seems like it. Honest!



Do I cook for the lads? Yes - because I cook for myself, generally. If I'm not up to cooking (quite frequently, if I get an attack of muscle spasm) then it's a case of forage for yourselves lads. Number 1 does, (and cooks for us all) Number 2 huffs, grunts, maons like the clappers, and gets HIMSELF something. If and when he feels like it and once he's nagged and ranted how useless I am! I KNOW its because (well, I assume this, anyway) he'd concerned that mam is falling to bits but its a bloody funny way of showing concern.

I stopped cleaning tidying their rooms years ago - part of the "independence" trip for the most part. Likewise, clearing up (can't bend, so they have 2 choices, pick up after them, or have me constantly asking them to do so. Number one just gets on and *does... number 2 is - if this reflective bile thing holds true, still in denial that his rather active mam really isn't going to improve physically - hard bloody work and if I wasn't good at not grizzling could easilly reduce me to tears and if I didn't work at it every day, erode my self confidence and self esteem.

Moving from room to room is a (physical) problem for me, as is getting out and doing my own thing (and going for a casual bath is a major performance that involves someone to hoist me in and out. I'd LOVE to have a bath more often, its one of life's little pleasures)- I'm virtually Housebound. I don't move... but I already *do sort of Absent myself from him. I state facts, I ask calmly. That initself takes a huge amount of mental effort that exhausts me, but when Number One and I have sat down with him and explained
(a) how hurtful his behaviour is, and
(b) how unecessiarilly stressful it is, gets all huffy and accuses us of emotional manipulation, and me of emotional iadequacy!

(that last bit of behaviour is the one I simply don't know how to deal with, except for saying that I can see how it might appear, but we were stating facts, and looking for co operation, not to tweak the guilt button, etc)

Not much fun for me (understatement) and frustrating for the lads.



I've done all I can in the way of medical treatments, I'm on the council housing list (the place we're in has lots of stairs - I never actually anticipated being a crip, it just sort of happened) and I'm lobbying MPs, outside agencies, etc. to get more appropriate living quarters, speed up the "help" situation. The DLA are still mucking around after 3 years, but my MP has actually offered to represent me himself at the Tribunal!

Been doing the Red Tape Fandango for 3 years now, inbetween hospital trips, etc. Tis damned stressful, but I gradually stopped "protecting" them from reality of the situation. I'm brve, and I don't do "guilt trips" and the poor pity me syndrome, but I *do know to ask for help, and to keep them informed on a need to know basis.

(I offload angst to rust proof shouldered friends when I need to) Number One accepted the situation, Number 2 still hasn't got his head around it.

Oh - and I've no other familly for support (apart from a very odd dysfunctional mum who brings to mind Udder on Bull, so she doesn't count)



What I *do have are a good crowd of friends. And I've kept my mind active, and my spirits "up" as much as I can. The body's knackered but the spirit's still there. The Brain cells (thinking) *do tend to get very confused, very easilly - pain can turn anyone to mush, and after being given medicated drugs which have caused all SORTS of..memory probs, etc, I've been given Morphine as a last resort.

Its a thin line between taking *just enough to keep the pain at tolerable levels....and taking 5mg too much and fight against the urge to sit comatose and dribble.

I'd say (objectively) that although my health (or lack of mobility, etc) is not actually *my fault, I know watching my gradual deterioration isn't much of a picnic for either of them - it can't be beneficial to them, generally speaking, but then, eventually, you just have to accept the things you cannot change and do the things you can. Its not terminal (well, unless the new set of tests tell me something I don't know, anyway!) just constant.

And yes, I do offer them reassurance, etc. It isn't a taboo subject.

But I do find it a very boring subject after a while! I generally try and talk about *them, to them. Or anything but me, unless its necessary for them to know, or they ask, of course!

I think, on the whole, I don't envy you the 2 pre-Kevins you've still got to rear. Like they say, it's all ahead of ya! Have a loo brush

Can you see anything more I can do for Youngest? OR Eldest, come to that? I *think I've covered all bases for them, but an objective looker in can probably see stuff I may have missed.

I don't know if I've helped them become "Good Men" as such, but I've done all I can to guide them into being "Good Human Beings"

Maybe he is scared that you are, as you say 'falling to bits' and that is the 'only' way he can show it, maybe he feels it looks wimpy by showing concern or letting his defences down to show a caring side to him, so by acting the macho man he doesnt feel guilty.

I will reply in full to the rest of the post later as i want to read it a couple of times more and by quickly replying now would not let me absorb a lot of the content.

Bye for the moment

Having read what i have read now, i think you are doing all that you can do, with the help of son1, i dont know any other way of getting through to son2, he sounds as though his mind is made up already, only further learing of life will make him think twice about his actions towards you and others, be them right or wrong only he can steer his life.

You can sit in the passengers seat and tell him left or right, but he has to drive himself, you can be an ear for him, an eye for him or a mouth for him, but if at this stage of his life he doesnt want to listen, look or talk then thats his choice, as hard as it sounds.

You have a lot of things going on already with yourself that need attention, your health, that you seem to manage to a bearable point, but dont let yourself down, you need strength as well.

The housing situ sounds like a real pain, i am surprised that the council havent acted already to move you considering your circumstances, i hope your MP can help

Son1, sounds as though he has his head screwed on and from here he has started adulthood, so to me nothing more to do there apart from be there for him whenever he needs it, he couldnt ask for more than that

Son2, as i have said before, not a great deal you can do anymore until he opens his eyes to the real world, i think he knows you are there for him if needed, but he wants to do it by himself for the moment, so give him the space to do it and if you can, just chat about anything to him be it the weather or sport or music without him thinking you are trying to interfere, you know your not interfering, i know that also, all your doing if trying to be a parent and nobody can ask anymore than that from you.

Yup - I guess we've both come to the same conclusion - its one of Life's Inponderables, really, and now its aired, -all that can be done is sit back and look at whats happening without getting too upset about it.

Like I said, Oldest and I have given Youngest an ultimatum of Shape Up or Ship Out. So far (and possibly too late for Eldest's opinions) Youngest has (since this weekend, anyway) had a lot of rebellion/stropping etc, and thanks to your timely intervention of reminding me the "Detatching" behaviour (been doing it for so long its become habit almost, and therefore I'm not as aware of it as I used to be) it gave me just enough Strength of purpose to continue letting Young Sir take his own consequences.

He's had a rottern week of it, poor kid. I bleed inside watching him hurt...and know that being Tough (and consistent) is all I can do.

Time Keeping for example. Twice this week he's had to take the consequences of being booted up the backside from college - due to his own stubborness, stupidity and inability to keep deadlines he's been seriously late. Today - because it was a GENUINE mistake (he's whacked his alarm off to Stop rather than Doze he overslept.)

I told him "Be ready in 15 minutes and I'll give you a lift in - As a Favour"

Before, we'd have had a furore about 15 minutes being far too short a time to get ready...etc etc.

This morning, (for the first time in his academic life) he was ready in 12 minutes, (and politely asked me to do a packed lunch)

Which, being a mum, I did.

Maybe he *is finally learning - but he's taken a ruddy long time to do it.

(damned near 18 years of consistent, reasenably fair, impartial parenting. Gawd! The Train Robbers got a lighter sentence than that, didn't they!!)

And I think possibly the damage in the relationship between him and his brother is irrepairable. Which saddens me a lot.

But I'll worry about that another time.

Like you said (and I *do need reminding of it every so often) All I can do is Be There , if needed.



Now - thanks to a friendly ear, I've gleaned enough strength to continue getting on with Looking after Me and the health (which benefits me mostly, but obviously has good knock-on effects) and the Housing situation (ditto)

I can keep going till the next wobble.

I *thought I'd done about as much as I could, I guess... I needed the reassurance (without co-ercing that reassurance...or it wouldbn't be e genuine opinion but a "sticking Plaster" one) from a Looker in.

I'm waffling now - pain killers are kicking in and I have *got to give in to them a bit and go sit and dribble quietly. Its that or keel over from effort of sitting up pro tem!

Gimmee a couple of hours Me Time and I'll get back to Life. As you do!

Its just like a man juggling plates on top of sticks, really, isn't it? Great - and do-able, some of the time, just as long as you've limitless energy and limitless dexterity.

Limlitless Everything, really.


Thanks for listening, and thanks for the feedback BK, I really appreciate it.

Keep in touch - and if I can ever return the compliment, just yell.

If I'm here and can Be There in a way that helps, I will be

Things might take time, but as life goes on these 'Things' always seem to straighten out in the end, going by my daughters inability to see that the world is a big place, and that to 'get on' you have to 'fit in', even if you dont like it, its what makes life tick.

I think its just a phase of todays society that teenagers want to grow up before they are ready.

My dad used to say to me "theres no point getting dressed while your still in bed", i am sure he knew what he was talking about

Anyroad, this thread is still alive and theres no reason why we cannot continue to chat about anything we want to.

True - the current crisis with the lad(s) is over pro tem

Yesterday I had to go over to the Council Offices and tell them I didn't want to pay their AdPen, so looks like they'll take me to court eventually.

Let 'em. They cannent take what I don't have...and if they want to waste their time, money and effort I can't stop them.

I've already begun paying back the debt I owe em (started early, just to be awkward

And I wrote to my nice MP bringing him up to date, as he asked


So they arn't half going to look silly if they do

Apart from that...the boys are both out, and I've the place to myself

I'm KNACKERED!!

Hows the day been for you?

Whats AdPen?

My day has been ok, had a couple of meeting, then some workmen turned up to put up some new fencing, as the last lot fell down about 4 weeks ago, while they were doing this, it rained and rained and then rained some more, and where they were digging the garden turned into a mud bath.

Then the sodding dog thought its play time.......in the mud, took about an hour to clean dog and kitchen

Just had dinner and then came on here