h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Look, rat-fans, I've got this gripe. I mean, yes, I've got a lot of gripes, I like griping, but this is... also one. That I have.

I mean, Christianity, not a big fan. Never have been, never will be, /but/ that's not because I'm all 'woo' and alternative, it's because above all else I've always considered myself to have a clearly defined moral sense that the worship of Christ and the teachings of the Bible basically do not fit in with. To whit: a) The treatment of homosexuals, who frankly aren't harming anyone aside from supporting some pretty terrible music and b) Hell. Noone's getting away with that 'eternal punishment, fire and brimstone' on /my/ watch. Punishment should fit the crime. A loving God doesn't send adulterers (or, even, to my mind, baby-killing nutjobs) to burn forever and ever and ever if he's supposedly a just God. Nope. Sure, a thousand years of pitchforks up the bum are probably just what the doctor ordered for a certain large percentage of humankind, but /eternity/? I think not. And, should I ever meet the Big Beard in the Sky, and this is indeed how things are, I shall say the very same thing to His face.

This, however, is not my gripe.

Of course, then you get those Christians who just blatantly /ignore/ the bits of the Bible that they don't agree with - or make them uncomfortable - generally muttering something about 'many interpretations', which - in my eyes - is cowardice and hypocrisy on a gigantoooormous scale.

However, this is also not my gripe.

No, gentle readers, today I'd like to gripe about the /other/ side of the coin. Alternative religion, if you will.

I mean, first we have Wicker crowd, who start off with a truly superb tenet of 'And ye harm none, do as ye feel like. Grasshopper.'. Or something. Great! /Excellent/ religion. But could they leave it at that? Ohno, then it had to be beefed up a bit with a bunch of airy-fairy wishful thinking nature-worship about some God who fathers himself every year. This, in itself, is bad enough if it weren't for the self-deluding magic (sorry, magicK, because that - of course - makes it sound cooler) part of the whole shebang. 'But, Mark!' whine the Wickerans, 'I did this ritual and then my cousin's friend won a stuffed teddy at the fair!'. It really demonstrates the capacity for humans to thoroughly fool themselves that's kept the Pope in REALLY BIG HATS all these years.

Pretentious, yes, but - I suppose - morally slightly more acceptable than the world's favourite JC.

Then, oh then, we have the Satanists, the modern chapter of which was pretty much founded by Kane from Commander and Conquer. Wait, no sorry, I mean Anton LeVay. Born 'Howard', but presumably Howard the High Lord of Darkness didn't have quite the same imposing ring to it. Satanism. A religion - as far I can make out - all about 'self improvement', which seems to translate to 'doing whatever the Heck you like and being completely in it for yourself'.

Well, geez, people have been doing that for centuries without needing the Satanic Bible to tell them to.

No social conscience, no charity, love only to make /you/ happy. I cannot think of a world more horrifying than one founded on the principles of Satanism. Frankly, I'd be happier if they were out there sacrificing goats and drinking the blood of virgins.

The fact that Satanism also encourages the practice of magic-with-a-cool-k is pretty small beans when compared to its primary moral fallacy.

I'd have a pop at the Scientologists too, but frankly anyone who believes /that/ line of tripe is well beyond reason.

I realize I've barely touched on the various new belief-systems that are springing up all over the place now that the Vatican doesn't send its boyz 'round to pop a cap in your dome for not giving props to Jesus, but these - in particular - are those which make me want to gripe.

Live life, be happy, make /other/ people happy as best you can. That's all you need, and you certainly don't need any mercurial Goddess, horny demon, the ever-popular Big Beard in the Sky or tiny space aliens that live inside volcanoes (or something. Gratz, L. Ron Hubbard, you wrote some /dull/ novels) to give you a divine sanction to do that. Put some of that energy you use for wearing robes and drawing magicKal circles with knives into making the world a better place and we might just make it through the next few years without obliterating each other.

Now, everyone tell me how I don't 'understand'.

Agreed!

But I like horny demons!

However, I am applying to join David Icke's church...

Who's David Icke?

An ex footballer, and football tv personality, whos decided that all the politicians and royal family etc are giant alien lizards in disguise in a giant conspiracy, do a google for him, his web-sties hilarious.-Compleatly off his rocker...