h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, now that was embarassing. I just spent 3 days trying to remember what the Hell my user ID was for this place so I could log in. Don't tell you how to do /that/, now do they?

Anyway, I just spent a while 'surfing' the infoweb supercyberbypass, and I've come to the horrible conclusion that there's a whole bunch of people out there /way more clever than me/. I mean, admittedly, they're all horribly self-obsessed (not that I'm not, but I try to do it behind locked doors, where it won't frighten the horses), but I don't think I ever really got used to the idea of people having more in the brains department than little old me.

Is it possible to suffer from low self-worth whilst still actually quite liking yourself? On the whole, generally speaking and taken broadly - I /do/ rather like who I am: I have a keen moral sense, I'm intelligent, I'm witty in a rather dry, self-deprecating and offbeat way, I'm honest and loyal and - in a certain (dark) light - I'm even rather cute in an annoyingly persistent boy-child anime kind've way. Almost. Sort've.

Now, admittedly, I'm also arrogant, opionated, grumbly, sulky, worry..y, blessed with a whole host of personality problems and with a distinctly dubious - if improving - sense of personal hygiene (in short, I'm my mother, which is too frightening a prospect to think about).

The point is, though, the point /is/: The former are things I want to be, and the latter are things that don't bother me. I am what I want to be, I am what I have crafted. And I saw it was good.

I just don't expect other people to feel the same way, I assume I will be disliked, I assume I will be... well... ignored, pushed to one side, and expected to put up with it. And I do. Because what's the alternative? Blind rage? Hardly the way to win friends and influence people. /I/ like me, and I expect to be disliked by others, where does /that/ fall under our shrink-wrapped view of Jerry Springerisms?

I used to be a lot geekier than I am now, I've had this pointed out to me (and boy, would I like to thank the perpetrator of /that/ comment with a fist in the face). Now, I've merely cultivated a level of geekiness that doesn't take itself too seriously. However, the mindset formed in school runs deep, the wounds /don't/ heal properly, and people have two ways of dealing with this:

1. Anger. Utter, mind-fogging rage at the whole world. A whole psyche geared to Do Not Fork With Me aggression, a walking pre-emptive strike. (My mother again!) Eventually culminating in clocktowers and high-powered rifles and all kinds of nastiness.
2. Fear. Of everything. Of life and people and pain and humiliation. These people's first instinct is to run and hide, because it /hurts/ out there, and all the subconscious screams at you is that YOU ARE WORTHLESS. This subject tends to forget which end of the rifle is which - in extreme cases.

Now, option the first is pretty rare in me. Not unheard of, but rare. I don't wanna be angry guy, and I don't much wanna be fear guy either, but I am at times.

I don't /want/ to be. I want to live. I want my Thing. I want my Cool.

It's not easy to be me.