h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Horoscopes

Aries: Mar 21 - April 20

Jupiter enters your sign today, while Mars will have crossed by next week. Venus is fast approaching so watch out for showers heading east from the Midlands and prolonged traffic on the M1.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Throughout the week a big fiery ball will continually move across your sign, often for up to half a day at a time. Then it will disappear. But it will very probably come back. Don't make any financial decisions until Thursday.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Bad things are going to happen today. Maybe not to you. Maybe not to anyone. But you can be sure they'll happen. Oh yes.

Cancer: June 22 - July 23

You will be visited this week by a past friend, forgotten relative, or our Brother Beelzebub and his Dark Hordes. They may offer sound advice for your current love dilemma, so take heed. Or they may offer you carnal fulfillment, unimaginable wealth and power, in exchange for a Gateway to Our World. A week of prosperity and comfort lies ahead, or a thousand years of darkness, the horror of which has never, and will never, be seen again. Your lucky colour is: blue.

Leo: July 24 - Aug 23

Don’t use the phone today. Check under the lamps and inside electrical sockets. Do not watch television. Do not accept any post. Stay well away from the windows. If you have a cellar... use it.

Virgo: Aug 24 - Sept 23

Things are looking up. Expect to be reunited with a deceased loved one over the next two weeks. They will have much to say. Try not to vomit in disgust. Or in that gust. Hmm. You will struggle with humour today. Many people will think you are Jasper Carrot. However, persevere and by the time Neptune passes everything will be smelling of roses.

Speckle is a parakeet.I had him for a while but he died. Ever since he died I saw him once ,now I am going to wait two more weeks to see him again.

Libra: Sept 24 - Oct 23

A large red comet will pass through your sign tomorrow, bringing cheer and happiness to the forthcoming week. However, a large red bus will pass through your living-room today, so you’ll not be around to enjoy it.

Scorpio: Oct 24 - Nov 22

Metaphorically speaking your astral plane has a jammed landing gear and only one engine. Be prepared to delay touchdown for up to three hours and plot a new course. Make sure the passengers are gathered towards the rear and are as comfortable as possible. Tilt the nose down gently, but be ready to pull up slightly just before the point of impact to compensate for the missing gear. If you’re a pilot, stay in bed today.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 - Dec 21

Someone will tell you to 'take a chill pill' today. Hurt them.

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 20

Saturn is moving into your neighbouring sign, so watch out for severe reality disorders. You may find that perception of your environment changes from time to time and things you once flet familiar with strat to make ltitle or on snse at al. Dn’ont pianc. Seke mdiceal hlpeep sa oon sa ooo cnnmn.

Aquarius: Jan 21 - Feb 18

Tough luck for Aquarians today. A military funded long-range weapons project in Colorado is nearing the secondary test stage. They’ve chosen your coffee table to be the target for their new satellite guided missile. Don’t worry! You will survive and inevitably try to claim compensation from the US government, but of course, they know nothing. What’s more you will be questioned by MI5 and eventually charged with Conspiracy to Murder under the Terrorism Act (1984) for harbouring an unlicensed weapon of mass destruction in your lounge.

Pisces: Feb 10 - March 20

Nothing will happen to you for quite some time. Stay in bed until the 3rd then check your mail. Have a sandwich.


I am a Virgo,Virgo's symbol is usally an angel.