h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Another day fueled by caffine. If it hadn't of been for the late night showing of Full Metal Jacket on cable last night, I probably would have been awake before 1pm. And if it hadn't have been for this insane requisition of money to get food and housing, I may not find myself sitting in this uncomfortable chair under flickering flourescent lights day after day. But, what is a person really supposed to do? Moving to the Montana wilderness and struggling to survive winter in a thatch hut lacks appeal as well.
So, on that note, I wil recall a previous conversation with the uptight father of four that shares a cube wall with me at work. (these are the days that make me wish there was an I.Q. test required to walk upright)
I have been hyper and happy all day, spreading Maxwell House inspired joy to all I encounter. My boyfriend (how 5th grade is that term? must find a new one) calls me for the daily hello. this usually happens moments before i clock out for the day, but it seems he was lonely earlier than usual. i make a sarcastic comment to Joel (my guy) about my neck being sore from someone biting me. of course, he's the one that did it. this stuffed shirt, uptight ape that sits next to me waited until i came back inside from my lunch break to tell me that he would appreciate it if i refrained from "any talk that involves se.. you can guess the rest" ?!?! i'm sorry. from my side of the conversation (which went something like" hi honey! what's going on? ... nothing. my neck is sore.. i think i was bitten by something this weekend.. hahaha.. so what are you doing..") there should have been no reason for offence! i wanted to walk over to him and pull his pants up to his ears! argh! sometimes i think employers should put people without a sense of humor on one side of the building, and all healthy humans on the other. separated by a cafeteria or something. havent worked out all the bugs yet, but i am getting there.
and on the topic of pantyhose.. phoenix is usually a warm place, even in winter. i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt this weekend while driving around town. today, however, is reminicent of antartica during a blizzard. in my infinite wisdom, i wore a knee length skirt and a turtleneck. i feel like an ice cube. i walked outside for a break and a big gust of wind shot right up my skirt, and i ran my butt right back inside. too cold to be a smoker. as i am standing there, surrounded by women who are equally frozen, we begin discussing our idiotic decision to dress "Cute" and not "Warm". granted, we could have all worn thick slacks or long skirts instead of more fashionable shorter ones, but we wanted to look nice. someone (a man) suggested pantyhose. oh - boy. that poor man had no idea what he had done..
pantyhose are instruments of torture. to begin with, finding your size (and we are talking about FULL hose. from waist to toe.) is an impossible task in itself. if you are 5'8" as i am, and only 115 pounds, you have the arduous task of deciding whether or not you want them to be big enough or long enough. not both, mind you, but one or the other. now, i have always chosen to have them the right size for my width, not length. by the time i am finished screaming, kicking, and squeezing myself into these horrible leg coverings, i am completly homicidal, and now sporting leg coverings with ten snags, rips, and holes. not to mention the crotch of these things is at my knees, with no hopes of getting it up where it belongs. to get around the risk of snags, a girl can store the hose in the freezer (yep. freezer. icy pantyhose) which somehow prevents the snags.. until they thaw. so, while you may get them on okay, the moment you walk out the door to your flat and fluffy the neighborhood poodle.. or bull mastiff.. comes up to say hello, those puppies are toast. you now find yourself back at square one. then there is the topic of leg hair. if there is ANY hair on your body, in any place the panyhose come in direct contact with, you now have yourself a place to scratch all day long, and you will probably be caught once or twice by your boss or that horrible hag in accounting that finds it to be her mission in life to make YOUR life a living nightmare, and immediately runs to the water cooler to tell everyone that you have an embarrasing skin disease. or worse. all this before 10 a.m.
do you see what kind of trauma can occur, just adhering to a company's dress code? i think women should unite, and form the coalition for the abolishment of pantyhose. sounds good. after a few pints we may even get some men to join us.

see you in hosiery department...

I'd like to outlaw pantyhose too. Are they tights ? I don't know how I got to your site, but I'm all for whatever theyre all against.

pantyhose are a thinner, more fragile version of tights. usually completely see - through, they only add a little color to the wearer's legs. makes no sense to me. and, i will have it known that i have boycotted them again today, which hasn't been too much of a fiasco since the weather was a little nicer.