h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This was written by a friend of mine IRL and could at one point be found at http://www.schwoom.com . It is a joke based on the opening scene from The Naked Gun 33 1/3 and I do not mean to offend Harry Potter fans. The original author is a big fan himself.


6:59 pm.
Harry sat in Hogwarts cafeteria, regarding his dinner. He had the feeling that something bad was going to happen soon, but he wasn't quite sure what. He had a fairly good idea, though.

7:00 pm
"Look out everyone, it's Voldemort," shouted a nameless person from the back of the room. With an exasperated sigh, Harry got up, pointed his wand at the fiend, and let rip a few arcane words. Sparks leapt from his wand and engulfed Voldemort, thus ending that nightmare.

"Oh my God, it's Dracula!" shouted the same person. Harry pointed his wand at the newcomer, uttered some more arcane words, and Dracula vanished in a puff of smoke.

"And Sauron!" Harry, now growing weary, pointed his wand at the foul lord of Mordor, uttered a few very powerful magick words, and banished the dark lord forever.

"And Carrie!" Where had he heard that before? It was in some book by something King, wasn't it? The red-haired girl floated into the room and furniture flew everywhere. Harry readied his wand, but at that moment a table fell on him and broke his spellcasting arm. Then, just when everything looked its darkest, the great grandfather clock fell and crushed her. That was somewhat unsatisfying, having the evil nemesis defeated by something other than his own magick.

"Oh no! Creatures from every other fantasy WAAGH my spleen!" And then in rushed more creatures than anyone at Hogwarts had ever seen, with angels alongside demons, elves alongside orcs, Italian plumbers alongside blue hedgehogs, Autobots alongside Decepticons, bounty hunters alongside space pirates, English alongside Irish, fairies alongside humans, and a guy in orange with the word 'Wizzard' written across his hat. And at that moment, Harry Potter woke up to find Dumbledore beside his bed.

"Oh, Professor, Dumbledore, I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that Voldemort was attacking again."

"Don't worry, Harry. You killed Voldemort, remember?"

"And...and then there was Dracula... and Sauron..."

"Don't worry, they're just fictional characters."

"And Carrie..."

"Another fictional character."

And at that moment, creatures from every other fantasy world burst in the door, killed Dumbledore, and for the first time in his eighteen years, Harry Potter swore.
"Oh, s**t!"

The last thing he was aware of was an orange hat with the word 'Wizzard' written across the top, bearing down upon him.