h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Roy and I had a long talk over the weekend. We're going to split up.

A bit before the talk, little called a family council and asked that he and I spent a bit more time together and for Roy not to come round every weekend and we agreed one weekend off at the end of each month. It was after that that we had the long talk. We've not told little yet. Roy wants to leave it until the weekend after next. Next weekend is the one we agreed little and I would have on our own. Not quite sure how little is going to take it as he's very close to Roy.

I'm really sorry to hear this news, ZSF You sound very calm about it and I get the feeling it's been coming for a while?

If little was hoping to see more of you and less of Roy, perhaps he won't find the break as difficult as you might expect? Maybe he'll surprise you.

Splitting up's always hard; whatever the circumstances, because you have to find new habits and occupations to fill the time that becomes free to you. Mind you, it gives you the opportunity to do things that you have squeezed into the cracks in life up to now.

Thinking of you my friend...


Fb

Thank you Fb. Yes, I think it has been coming for a while. There are circumstances which would have made it very difficult for us to live together, partly because of financial issues, but there are also other things. We've been going out together for five years now and our relationship wasn't developing.

The next few weeks will be interesting. I think little will find his reactions conflicting. I know that he loves Roy and asked him on several occasions if Roy would adopt him. Roy has said to me that he mourns for the fact that he has not had his own children and that someone else's child can never feel like his.

Oh dear... it makes it doubly hard for you when it's not just your relationship with Roy that's changing, but little 's as well. But you have to do what feels right - and it sounds as though you are


Fb

I'm feeling a bit wobbly. I'm very fond of him and we're great friends, but it's a semi-detached relationship and I can't see that altering any time soon. It would certainly cost more for both of us to live together and he's told me that he won't feel capable of moving in with someone unless he has his own house and is earning decent money.

Early days yet. He doesn't want to split up. I can't see a future for us. I suspect that I probably have issues that I need to deal with too and it's about time that I dealt with them. I can't deal with his; only he can do that.

Thanks for the . I needed that.

Hi,

I do hope you can resolve this without too much hurt. I know you have been thinking along these lines for quite a while, but it is a big step, especially with little involved. I am with Frenchbean, in thinking little might surprise you. You did say a while back that he is a very savvy child, so perhaps his instinct is telling him to push things along a bit, to try and resolve things one way or the other.

Over the times we have chatted I have felt that Roy gets more out of the relationship than you do, with none of the disadvantages of a full on relationship and maybe that suits him fine. Five years is a long time to procrastinate.

If you feel like chatting off here, you have my email address and anything said will go no further.

Take care and keep in touch,



Websailor

Hi Websailor

Thank you. I think I will take you put on that. I think it will be very helpful.

As you say, five years is a long time to procrastinate. When I had building work done, the builders thought that he had all the advantages of a committed relationship without much of the responsibility. Plus he had space during the week. That did cut two way, though. I think my dad said it best after we had all been to visit him and mum. He said 'You know, Roy is really *bossy*. He tells *me* what to do - in my own house. I think he means well. He probably doesn't know how he comes across.' I think that's true. I think he means well, but he always knows best.

There have been a couple of things which have happened just recently. Stuff seems to happen when things are in crisis. I had my car broken into and little 's PSP was stolen. It took three days to get the electric window replaced. Today he broke his thumb. Someone pushed him down the stairs at school. I've just ocme back from the hospital. He will need to go in again tomorrow to have a plaster cast put on.

Oh, dear, I am sorry

Things always come altogether don't they, most frustrating! I hope little is and not in pain.

My other half always knows best too, but it is a bit different when you are actually married. It took me years to stand up to him, but his other traits balance out the annoying bits. I will chat to you off here. We have a few things in common in a way.

I do think you have to listen to other people's assessments too, those who have met him I mean. Other people see things we don't notice, or try to ignore, but in the end you must do what feels right for you. I know you must consider little 's feelings, but if it isn't right for you, in the long run it won't be right for him either.

Take care,

Websailor

I've given him some paracetamol and he's in bed now. He'll be away from school tomorrow and the following day the school is on strike, so I'll have to take some unexpected leave. I imagine he'll get a cast put on at the fracture clinic.

I'm sure he'll heal quickly enough. Children do.

Just emailed you, but have to go offline now or my other half will be giving the orders!!!!

Lights out, doors bolted (loudly) and so on. He stops just short of pulling the plug on me but I suppose he has the right, just, since he pays half the bills!

Websailor

Ouch. Poor little I hope he bounces back quickly.

Living with somebody who always knows better is bearable as long as the other things make up for it (as Websailor knows ) But if you're not living together, it can be really hard to deal with.

I was in that situation briefly and ended up feeling totally inadequate. It felt like he wasn't willing to live with me because I was wrong all the time and his life away from me was far more interesting and satisfying. When I ended it a huge wet blanket lifted from my shoulders.




Fb

Websailor I had the equivalent of that during the weekends. Bedtimes got progressively more restrictive. 10pm (lights out), 9pm and then - more recently 8pm. I've more or less got used to 10pm as a norm now, so it's not a big deal, but he didn't allow any exceptions apart from those which couldn't be helped, eg little goes to scouts on Friday and I collect him from there at 10pm, so bed time on Friday is usually around 10.30pm. This is in my own house.

Fb 'It felt like he wasn't willing to live with me because I was wrong all the time' - - yes - that's it. That's just how I feel.

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? It was a revelation to me to find a man (only months after I walked away from my unsatisfactory relationship) who wanted to be with me all the time and who listened to me and who set great store by my opinion . Yes, these wonderful men do exist

That's great to hear Fb,

Mind you - who was it who said, 'No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent'? I'm sure that I had a hand in it too. I think I was so relieved to find someone who seemed to match my (written) profile of who I wanted, it simply didn't occur to me that he might not be solvent, and the fact that someone might be controlling hadn't occurred to me either. I suspect I thought that all my prayers had been answered and this was sure to be the man for me. (How desperate was I?)

When I am in a fit condition to start looking again - and I understand that I need to leave a sufficient time to get over this relationship, otherwise I'm likely just to repeat my past mistakes - I'll do some more work around the type of person I would like and also the type of relationship I would like to have. At the moment, I'm looking at what contribution I made. I think that until I can truly honour myself for the reasonably-wonderful-but-not-perfect person that I am, I may continue to sell myself short. I'm sure that there are wonderful men out there and that somewhere there's someone who's perfect for me and vice versa.

<fish<

There is no-one perfect, believe me Sorry, but R's a control freak.

As for bedtimes, I do sometimes kick up at the 10.40 curfew but he stays up late for sport if he is not out the next day so it is not rigid. He does get very tired because of his condition and I accept that. We have, I think, accepted that I am a night owl and he is a morning person (though not as much as he used to be). We used to call him Sgt. Major - 6.30 Reveille - shoes polished etc. Well he was in the Army!!!!

Now, he is cooking our meal for us as he is going out, again, having been out all afternoon, so I have peace again. Yippee! Not all bad then, but being together 24/7 is definitely not an option

35 years married this year - something must be right Both of us only managed seven years the first time so there is hope for you yet ZSF

Websailor

Control freak? I think you're right there, Websailor .

When he first started staying over, I had my alarm set for 5.30am in the morning so I could meditate and he complained (he was very grumpy), so I set it later. Then the bedtimes started getting set earlier. Eventually he decided he wanted to get up at 5.30am. He went to a training ship school and was in the Army for a spell, so I think he has something in common with your hubby.

In my first marriage we were together for 20 years including the three years we lived together before we got married, so I know I can have a stable relationship.

Before I start looking for someone else, I'm going to take enough time out to see what I really want and hopefully if someone hoves into view who isn't suitable, I'll be confident enough to say no.

Thinking about it, I say yes much more than no. It would be good for me to learn to be able to say no more confidently.

Saying No is a very hard lesson to learn. I think I have only recently got the hang of saying No without feeling guilty

He might think he likes a doormat, but he might just like someone a bit sassy even better and if he doesn't - tough



Websailor

Good for you, Websailor

I'm getting much better at speaking up to difficult issues, but I find it difficult when I think that I will hurt the other person's feelings. Part of that, I suspect, is to protect myself from their responses. I know that I don't handle anger well and in the face of anger, I can get incoherent, although I'm coping better with it these days. Of course, I don't necessarily know what their response will be and I sort of make their minds up for them. In doing so, I may not be honouring them as they deserve.

I read something recently that said you should never assume what another person is thinking as you will often be wrong. Were you ever bullied because it sounds like a typical reaction to that?

Tell it as it is, but as kindly as you can, otherwise you are not being true to yourself.

I get incoherent when I am angry but my other half goes cold and calm, making me look an hysterical idiot. It is a different matter when he is angry. He behaves as if nothing as happened afterwards and there is never an apology, leaving me seething. I suppose we all handle it differently.

Websailor

I read something recently that said you should never assume what another person is thinking as you will often be wrong. That sounds reasonable. However, I had a very good teacher for that - my mother. She still does it.

Was I ever bullied? Unfortunately yes. I was bullied at school. Going incoherent is a stress reaction and seems to come complete with feelings of shame at not being able to defend myself adequately. It means that I can't argue properly as my brain goes to mush and I can't follow a line of reasoning. I don't get hysterical. I get embarrassed and feel shamed - not nearly so much these days, thank goodness.