h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've had a difficult day today. Little told me that he didn't want to learn an instrument at school. I flipped. I've wanted him to learn an instrument for such a long time. His primary school said that he could learn trumpet, then he was offered recorder instead, which he didn't want. His secondary school said they would be happy for him to learn trumpet. We discussed it at length. In the process, he seemed to prefer guitar, but still seemed keen. Today I had a conversation with him. It seems he failed to turn up for the auditions for instrument classes. He'd prefer to have something to eat in the break-times instead of learning the trumpet (or another instrument). He's overweight and I truly saw red. I recognised that it would not be good to force my opinion on him, but I was truly unhappy, frustrated and downright cross.

He went to a party and I had a period of reflection. Afterwards he told me that he did really want to learn an instrument, but not in school, when it might be a burden. So he doesn't want the free lessons; he'd prefer that I paid for them! Rise on the incandenscenceometer! I've found it really difficult to speak with him.

Then there was the episode of him having stuff on the internet to do to help with his homework. But then he threw my suggestions and help back in my face. Another rise in winding me up.

What I have found it much easier to do is to throw things away (like broken and mended pottery) and photographs and doing things like polishing and cleaning the carpet. Being good and mad certainly gives the impetus to get things done. So it's not all bad!

Oh dear.... how infuriating for you ZSF Throwing stuff away (or around!) is always a good way to vent some frustration

Is little starting to seek some independence and seeing how far he can push? Or is there a peer pressure thing going on? Do any of his friends have music lessons?

Yes, I got out the carpet spot cleaner and had a go at a couple of nasty stains in the living room and although it took a couple or three applications to get it out, the scrubbing did me a lot of good!

I'm not sure if it's independence. He had the cheek to tell me that he would really like to learn to play an instrument, but not at school 'where it's a bother'. Ie, he wants me to pay for lessons that he would get free at school and can't be bothered to do it and he'd miss his snack (he has to queue up for snacks). I offered to pack him snacks for the music practice sessions and he still said no.

I don't know if it's peer pressure - I certainly remember wanting to play with my friends at lunchtime when I used to practice the piano, but I certainly appreciate the fact that I learned to play it now. One of his friends has trumpet lessons (although he goes to a different school). I think I'll just have to accept the fact that he's not really motivated to learn an instrument. He says he'll learn about the notes in music lessons and he is going to musical theatre classes on Monday evenings.

I can't comment on the music playing issue, but I recognise being asked for help with homework, then having that thrown back in your face.

Kids, I know they don't mean to make us so but it seems to be a built-in skill!

Yes, my daughter asks for help with her Maths, then gets cross with me when I tell her she has made a mistake.

'Kids, I know they don't mean to make us so but it seems to be a built-in skill!' Yes indeed, Mina!

I can understand your daughter getting cross too, when you tell her she's made a mistake, Gnomon.

Little hates to be told how to do things, even when he has no clue how to do them. I tend to get cross and back off, so he doesn't learn properly as I haven't yet learned what would help. It doesn't help him either, because I think he feels guilty at annoying me, but not willing to change his position. Lose-lose.

If anyone has any suggestions or solutions, please let me have them!! I'd like to be able to find something that's a win-win.