h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm coming up to a birthday. I was considering my relationship and if it was going anywhere or had the potential to go somewhere in the future. I have decided to take a good look at myself and what I want. Little told the man that he wanted him to come to live with us yesterday. It's not going to happen. Certainly not in the foreseeable future. He is unemployed, trying to build a business (that I wish I believed in more than I do) and living in a shared house. So his lack of financial stability holds him back from making any commitment. So far, that's suited me too.

Whilst I was thinking about these issues and the steps I can take to get clarity on how I feel about the issue, I decided to mend a peg bag with superglue - and in the process superglued my right thumb and forefinger together. I was horrified. They were firmly stuck and the more I tried to force them apart, the more they stuck together. Trying to use a knife didn't work. I remembered that the best way was to prize them apart gradually - put them underwater and used one of my fingernails to work at the glue. Then suddently - pop - they came apart and it was such a relief.

Was it a co-incidence that this happened at the time I was thinking about the relationship issue?

seems uve got some working out to do!!
next time you glue ur fingers put them in white spirit
rich

'seems uve got some working out to do!!' Yes I know that the only person I can change is me and until I know what I really want, I'll not know what the best course of action is.

White spirit! That was it! I was going to try nail varnish remover if the fingernail didn't work. It was an interesting feeling, though. First - disbelief. Second - slight panic and some embarrassment. Third - looking for solutions.

Oh my honey big

Please come out whenever you want to. Perhaps next Sunday. I think that you are going to have a bit of a break in order to sort out your priorities and what you want. . Keep up with all the other interesting things that you do even, if you glue your fingersw together. What a horrid feeling.

Ever so much affectionate
Christiane and K.

Hi Christiane

Oh, I'm OK - just sorting out what my priorities are and what I want in life. I suppose that birthdays are that kind of thing. It may still suit me to have a somewhat detached relationship. I don't really feel that living together would be that great at the moment. I'd feel too hemmed in - and he can be quite critical.

Thanks for the inivitation - I'd like to come and see you, although it won't be for a few weeks. Next weekend I'm going away with Roy and little to Cornwall for a long weekend. We're staying at a hotel that one of his friends owns. Someone he went was on a ship with. We're going as it's in the middle of both our birthdays (mine and little 's) - and the follwing weekend is my birthday and I think I'm going to spend it seeing the sights of London. I don't often go out - it seems I'm spending more time at home these days, although I'm not sure I'm accomplishing as much as I would like.

You would have laughed to see my finger and thumb glued together. They made a perfect 'O'.

It is strange ,Z,

I have wondered several times if you were still 'half hitched' as you hadn't seemed to mention him for a while.

It must be very hard to give up your independence, especially if you are not totally sure. Certainly worth a long think, 'cus as you have already discovered it is easier to glue together than unglue and it would upset little in the process I would think?

There are different kinds of loneliness, and it can sometimes be worse in a relationship than out of it!

I hope you come to a happy conclusion soon, as it must be a bit unsettling.

Enjoy Cornwall for me, I love the place but haven't been for years. I always loved it in September best. Crisp, cool mornings and evenings and glorious days.



Websailor

Hi Websailor

There are several reasons why I would not want to live together at present. Finances are one. It would mean him moving into my house, and I don't think he would be comfortable with that. He would much prefer to be in a financial position for me to sell my house and for us both to move into a new one. I'm afraid I can't see that happening. Plus, he has issues from his divorce that I don't think he has resolved.

What I need to be clear on is whether I'm happy for the present position to continue indefinitely. As you say, I also have little to consider too. He thinks of him as a father-figure and would be desperately upset if he we saw less of him.

As it is, I have the weekend to myself, because he has work commitments and I'm actually enjoying being on my own. I feel less under pressure.

I do acknowledge that he has been a positive influence in my life and have made changes for the better because of him. It's really good for me that we are both on a similar spiritual journey.

I am looking forward to next weekend. I can't remember when I was last in Cornwall. We're going to Looe. I'll say 'hi' to it for you!

I think the number one rule with superglue is 'Don't Panic'!

The same applies to relationships.

Well said "Father" Gnoman!

AR1

Thanks, Gnomon.

With the superglue, there was a brief moment of panic, but it didn't last long. With my relationship, it's rather the same; I'm just considering. I think for me one of the most important questions is 'Am I growing in this relationship?' - and I think that I still am.

I think the question came up when I was considering what to use for one of my storytelling manual speeches for Toastmasters - the last one in this particular manual. I thought of a big turning point for me in my life. It came when I believed my husband was having an affair, when I didn't know what to do and hadn't spoken to him about it. I was at a folk concert listening to a group called Artisan and they sang 'What's the use of wings?' which has the middle eight:

'Why do people cage the things they love the most?
Is it simply that they fear to be alone?
If you give your love its freedom it may stay awhile,
if it leaves you it was never yours to own.'

... and at that moment I knew that I would not try to hold onto someone who didn't want me. So when the moment came, I was calm and dignified and asked him what he wanted to do. He chose to leave.

For me it was the right thing too, although it was very painful at the time. I had stopped growing a long time ago.

So the topic of your next Toastmasters speech will be "How I superglued my fingers together", then?

That can't have been an easy time. Do you mind me asking how long ago that was, and when you started to feel that you wanted to continue growing inside?

You never know, Gnomon!

(Although I've written, 'What's the use of wings?' in my manual.)

Hi Woodpigeon,

That was about 12 years ago. I think I really stopped growing gradually. Even early on in the marriage, my husband forbad me to meditate and so the spiritual part of me went into hibernation. Towards the end, it had started to emerge again and I know he didn't like that.

What has happened since is that I have grown in confidence (although my confidence was very severely dented at the time of the divorce) and in my ability to be totally responsible for myself. I've still a way to go, although I suspect that total self-mastery is a goal achived by very few.

PS: Please don't think I am blaming my ex-husband. I'm not. I even recognised at the time that the other woman could have been anyone. She was just a symptom of the fact that we had grown apart and were not communicating properly. There were things that I could have done much better in the relationship. I do think that it had run its course. The worst thing about it was that after my divorce, I felt I no longer knew who I was and it took me quite a long time to find myself.

I can imagine..

It struck me some time ago when I was passing through an airport and noticing the prayer room, that the process of reflection was something that I as a non-religious person can sometimes ignore. I've had a lot of time to reflect over the past few months, and I can see the benefits of just taking some time off, by myself, to think about things.

I don't consider myself religious at all. I think that religion tends to strangle spirituality and to go away from the original teachings. It takes things literally. Religion tends to separate and differentiate and is often used as a means of control. Spirituality on the other hand tends to unite.

I suspect that these days, we tend to fill our lives with all kinds of 'stuff' and fail to take time for ourselves and I'm as guilty of that as anyone. I know that when I've taken time for myself, it has been beneficial. When I meditate regularly, I get clarity and energy.

There's an mp3 link to 'What's the use of wings?' if you scroll down on this link: http://www.a-cappella.com/catalog/browse-cds-by-style/world/artisan/p_8524c.html - terrific stuff!!

I loved those words and I have saved them. It was something it took me a very long time to learn (perhaps because I was an only child with very controlling parents) but it is so true.

I wish you and Wood Pigeon time and space during which the answers will come, I am sure. and

Websailor

Hi Websailor

There was a workshop after Artisan's performance and this song was discussed. Apparently, it has been a catalyst for many people. For me, it was really helpful in coming to a clear decision, which I thought was the right one. For others, it has helped them to let go of their children. I think it comes down to being comfortable with not needing to control the outcome of things which should rightly not be ours to control.