h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To quickly catch up, tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the latest episode in my bad health. Its been 2 years of trouble moving, walking, permanent pain etc etc. Sometimes it eases and I can get around by myself and buya nd carry things, more usually I cannot get around and carry stuff at same time. Moonglum has to help with a lot. He has a full-time job and also does whatever I need help with. If its a time when I cannot walk, then he does everything.

At present, I can walk a little, and if I take a few days break and do all the right stretches and exercises for those few days then maybe I can sometimes do a bigger walk such as goto Croydon, which is somethign I used to do everyday, now its a special occasion thing.

So today we went up there, to have a drink and goto M&S. I have to walk very slowly, take breaks and I always have a limp. A man walked into me and when I cried out in pain, he threatened to smack me, I felt very threatened and also very righteously angry.

On the way home, at the lights, I limped across slowly whilst the green man was on, whilst a biker revved his engine as loudly as it could go. As Moonglum is a biker, I know how you do need to rev a little, whilst idling, but never ever that much.

Still feeling angry at being told I deserved a smacking for utterly a sound of pain when someone walked into my painful leg, I made a '****-head' gesture. Stupid I know, but I had had enough. So the biker, folowed us down the side road and asaulted my husband. I was terrified that I had caused this and whether he had a weapon, luckily he didn't.

The police were called and took us home and said that we probably wouldn't hear from them again.

Now I am agorophobic already. I am panicking right now, I am manic. Sadly, I cannot talk to or look at my husband without anger coming up.

I don't know why this is happening.

I am expecting my back to seize completely at any minute, I am thinking of self-harming. But why has this driven myself and him apart? I cannot bear him touching me and wish he would just go away.

I know one thing, its not worth going outdoors if you have mobility problems, its better just to stay inside and stop living, stop fighting for a quality of life, cause I don't think its available.

Is this some shock thing? He needs sympathy right now and I can't give it too him, I feel such a b****. I don't know why this happening.

One reason I am not talking to him is because I feel very very violent and I can see myself over-reacting and things breaking. I feel very close to that right now.

Of course you do. You've had a traumatic day. You seem to find people (even your hubby) hard to deal with when something stressful has happened. I don't know much about dealing with feelings of anger, but I have a book on the mind. Hang on...

Hanging on...

thanks Snailrind

I am just full of so much hate and anger, maybe thats why I can't talk to him, I need to get rid of that first. But I also feel such a victim, I don't want to but when people feel they have a right to threaten you because you are in pain, then its difficult not to feel victimised.

I can't understand how some people react to illness and pain, instead of compassion they turn into bullies, and there are so many people like that out there.

Just rambling, but its a change from compulsive solitaire.

Maybe I can be angry at him now, because he is okay. I was so scared, watching him being attacked. This man said moonglum was nothing, that he had scraped **** off his shoe that was better than him.

My husband helps me so much though, that makes him a hero. he has lost friends because of me, but he keeps me company and helps me with everything. he is an unpaid carer aside from his full-time joba nd that man thinks he can say that kind of stuff to him?

I bet that nasty bully, would never help anyone, or ever show compassion. If he needs help one day, I wonder who will be there for him. He has the cheek to say what he did, I am so angry right now.

The book I have is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is largely about changing the way you feel by considering things from a different perspective. I'm trying to find some useful thing about dealing with feelings of anger.

I'm still looking, but something has occurred to me.

Nasty scare -> adrenaline production -> fight-or-flight syndrome -> fear and anger.

Perhaps you still have lots of adrenaline pumping round your system. Yoga can sometimes help, if you're up to it. Obviously, a damn good shout, a run, and a punch-bag session would all be ideal, but not exactly practical in your case! It'll dissipate on its own eventually, of course.

Back to the book...

Just saw your last 2 posts. Poor Moonglum! He did not deserve that. Was he injured?

His ego was injured more than anything. he was quite sensible in that he refused to put up a fight, as that could have led to much more nastiness and he knows I cannot cope on my own.

Maybe I wish he had put up a fight.

It went wrong when the police took us home. I explained my health problems, yet they still looked surprised and asked what was wrong when I had trouble getting in and out of the car. Where we were was a nice family who had come out to look after us, the Mum has called an ambulance nad thought I should go in it, but the police took us before it arrived.

Car seats are very painful too.

Typing this all out has helped me think, maybe its guilt.

Last year a man started saying nasty things to me in the street, whenever he saw me, as he blamed me for the draught (yes a bit nuts). Moonglum never stood up for me, said anything or even told him to shut up. I told him that I felt quite upset at that and maybe thats why I feel guilty now, as he got assaulted this time for doing so.

Thats what I was feeling, then I found out that he had been mouthing off at the guy silently anyway, so he hadn't got assaulted for me afterall and now I feel confused.

I don't have to feel guilty because he was protected me, in fact I feel angry at him too. Poor guy.

You must both have been very shaken by it. A friend of mine got duffed up by a passing drunk once, upon stepping out of my house. The drunk was shouting all kinds of nasty things which boiled down to the fact that my friend was a student and the drunk had had bad experiences with students. My friend's nose got broken, but instead of worrying about it, he treated the drunk as a force of nature; as if his nose had been broken by a falling branch or something. I was worried as hell, but he just let go of it, saying, "these things happen."

Might be a useful way for you to think of the nasty bully, if you can. He might have been high, or at the end of some tether, or who knows what. It can't possibly have been personal, because he didn't know either of you.



My book's a bit crap on the subject of anger and resentment, but here's what it says about stress and anxiety:

I guess still being bullied at the age of 35 because I have health problems, is very belittling and anger-making.

I shall wait and read what the book has to say.

Thanks for this, its so good having someone to talk to sometimes.

If you get a moment, tell me how you are?

Just wrote and then deleted a load of patronizing twaddle. I like the '100-year rule', though:

"Will it matter in 100 years? Will anyone even remember what the problem was? When you stand beside an elephant, it is extremely hard to see anything else. When you step back from it, the rest of the animal kingdom, the other visitors to the zoo and their surroundings, all come back into view."

I dunno. Seems to me you're best off just talking about it and getting it off your chest. Sadly, I can't stay at the computer much longer. Gotta lie down...

Fair enough you lie down.

As for 100 years, I won't be alive then and so no it won't matter. But right now being bullied, threatened and assaulted all because people feel they have that right if you have a limp, matters a hell of a lot.

In the middle of argueing with Moonglum, so I shall see if I can completely ruin everything today and then go do my usual.

Take care.

To be honest, this book is more about long-term problems. Shame.

I know what you mean about people's attitudes. You tell 'em (like the policemen) about your health but they don't seem to take it in, or they forget, or the implications don't occur to them. It's damn annoying. It's not their fault they're stupid, but it's still infuriating! And they frequently take things personally (like the guy who shouted at you). When I'm exhausted, people frequently think I'm in a bad mood, because my face sags, and they assume I'm cross with them.

I'm fine and dandy, thanks, but my body's packing in. Gotta go now. So sorry.

Love to you and Moonglum.

Kaz

Sounds like an awful time.

I think a lot of folks who have no first or second-hand experience with pain and illness have little ability to realize compassion/knowledge in either aspect of life.

A shame.

And people are testy and cranky -- that's their problem, not yours. I still feel you should try to get out and about, when you are up to it.

Hi Dragonfly, its frightening the lack of compassion in some people. I know now to keep out of their way, to never stand up for myself, its not worth it.

Its been a week and I havn't been out by myself yet.

Still its been too painful. Moonglum held me for 2 hours last night whilst we waited for pain killers to kick in. I needed help not to scream and panic at the level of pain, as that would only have made it worse. The pain killers worked for half an hour. I did get a couple of hours sleep later in the day though. Each day is just spent trying to get enough sleep to feel vaguely normal, then 4 or 5 pm I feel ready to do a little bit such as shower. Then it all starts again.

I know there are many people out there who have it much worse than me, I must keep reminding myself of that, to remain grateful for what I have.

to you Dragonfly and Snailrind, it is such a comfort to have people around who care.

Its just got worse and worse. I am getting a home visit from the doctor. Thats rarer than pink gold!! Sometime today but can give no idea of time, well its not like I can go out anywhere. We went to the bridge yesterday, the equivilent of round the block and that was too far. Wish I knew whether I had time for a shower though, its a long process waiting for pain-killers to take the edge off, so best assume that I havn't.

Oh and its the same doctor coming who has delayed my treatment for over 6 months through lies. Back in May 2005 we went to casualty as it had got a lot worse suddenly, the doctor there said that they could do nothign useful, as what I needed was an MRI. So we went to my doctor and explained that I had already had x-rays, but the doctor at casulty had recommended an MRI, so he agreed to refer me.

I then got a letter saying my x-ray results had come in and could I goto my doctors to discuss them. I rang them up and said I hadn't had any x-rays since 1999, so what were they on about. Turns out that was the doctors method of asking me to come in and be referred for an x-ray. I wrote a long email explaining that I had had x-rays for this condition and they showed nothing which was why the doctor at casualty had recommended a MRI. Also, I did not appreciate being lied to and wrote a long section detailing how my previous doctor had lied to me. Also, we had agreed that he would refer me for an MRI, so I was going to wait at home for that, I couldn't keep going to the practise on his whim due to a back condition, which was afterall what I was being treated for.

I got a telephone message assuring me that everythign was okay.

In Decmber of that year, I rang up the surgery and asked how long the average wait was for a referral for an MRI. I found out that he had not referred me for one. So I saw another doctor in January and got the referral at last.

In April 2006 I saw the specialist and explained that the pain was pre-dominately in my hips and I wanted to check my hips had not started to degrade due to limping. When I got to the MRI, they said he had asked for my pelvic region only to be scanned.

So, my follow-up appointment is in May 2007, it takes a year down here for follow-up appointments, they have a system whereby the doctor can get an interpretation sent to him in the meantime, but after initially agreeing, the doctor who finally made the referral, refused.

So I am waiting, getting worse, for an MRI scan that does not show the worst area. An initial doctor who promised to refer me but then didn't bother, a second doctor who promised to do the interpretation but then refused.

Oh I am so confident.

Its the first doctor coming today, the one who delayed this whole pathetic process by 7 months, I can't wait, not.

All the best with the home visit, Kaz. It's stressful seeing doctors you don't trust, isn't it. At least you're not expecting much from him; that way, if he actually helps you, that's a bonus.

Incompetence is a huge problem with the NHS. I gather (but may be wrong) that referrals to specialists are paid for by the GP surgery itself, which is never given enough money to help all the patients who go there. So the GP has to decide whom to refer in any given month. At the same time, if a patient asks for something to be done, then for legal reasons they can't say no to them. Perhaps this is why you have had a lot of broken promises: he might have had to pay for a spate of old people with knee replacements or whatever, and has not been able to tell you. I have a RL friend in a similar position to you. She's pretty much crippled and can't leave her house most of the time, but the doctor is always passing her over. I think she should push harder for treatment, like you do, but she's not the type to do that. You both deserve better.