h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

SO begins another installment in the IMWRS. After what must have been months, I now have to sit here and listen (or rather type) to Aaron's blither. I mean really, what can a cursor do but sit here and blink. And the very presence of my blinking sets him off on irritating tangents, spreading vicious lies about me and his mother and me and his father and me and his dog. How repulsive.
Okay, so I transgressed with the dog once, but I was young and it felt right. I am sure you, reader, have had moments where you wish you could go back in time and fix things. If I could back in time I would go back to that moment when toilets were invented. Porcelain, while a very suitable and stain resistant material (depending on the user . . . you know the type who leave the skid marks) is just not user friendly. Nothing is worse than sitting on a quasi-frigid material at oh-dark-thirty when you got the beer poops. Hangovers are bad enough, but a frostbitten bum has got to be the mother of all unpleasantness. And lets not forget about those moments when the toilet becomes an alter you bow at for hours on end. They could at least come outfitted with head rests. Nothing special, I mean if hair salons can get them why can they be a residential certainty. Think about it, how much more pleasant the whole vomit thing would be if you didn't have to hold your own head. Mayer for women a small tool to hold their hair back could be added.
Think of all the things one could do to a toilet to make them more versatile. At least more versatile than a "dump"ing ground, pun intended. We spend enough time on the thing that a couple extra features couldn't hurt. If a Dodge Caravan can have a TV installed for whiny, spoiled, pimply-faced, loud-mouthed rich kids, why can't the average pooper get one on their toilet? Nothing would make some of my movements more likeable, if not enjoyable if I could enjoy my favorite day time drama. Nothing special though, no need for a plasma screen or anything. Just one that turns on when you sit on it. A little remote maybe, or instead of that you have to turn the toilet roll to change channels or wiggle the handle. The volume can be controlled by oscillating your hips perhaps. For the more endowed, and I mean with money, an optional VCR or cable uplink. Now we can never miss that scene in the movie, or how that show ends that you have invested 4 hours or your life watching.
Or perhaps a singing toilet. One that plays soothing melodies that help "pass" the time. A sing along perhaps. Follow the bouncing fart maybe. Manufacturers can put a large UHF antenna, that confidently can double as a toilet paper spool, and the "doo"er can release to the local radio. Or better yet, a toilet CB radio. Just be careful when asked what your "20" is!!! Smokey and the Bandit sure take on a different role, huh?
Toilet fortunes!!! The toilet, having analyzed the droppings can spit out a fortune (made of fecal wipes) and tell you the future. To much cholesterol, a heart attack. A spot of blood, oncoming hemorrhoids. A little fur, a gerbil perhaps. Or they can simply be used for those over 40 men who need the unloving touch of a doctor's finger.
Toilets can be used for recycling. You know the feeling, having gone to urinate only to return to the fridge and find yourself out of beer. Toilets can scientifically analyze your "off"ings and chemically recombine them to rebottle beer. Perhaps Budweiser can patent a recombining system that adds that familiar king of beers taste. Obviously this can only be used for liquid wastes of a certain sort. Using solids would just be disgusting.
Public Restrooms can certainly benefit from this idea. Adding a little money to already inflated prices can help produce an economic surplus. Think about it.
Movie theaters for instance could make a killin' with this idea. We all have been there; right in the middle of a movie we paid far too much to see, drinking soda that costs too much to drink. The bladder buster I call it. Or maybe you had that butter on the popcorn when you shouldn't have. Every theater should have its own stalls for those that need a movement in medious-rea. One can sit, or stand depending on preference more than gender, and still watch the movie that they mortgaged a house for.
Shopping venues can benefit too. No longer are carts full of extraneous clothes to be left unaccompanied. Now a person could role up their cart to the cashier, and should the urge over take them they can purchase their necessities while leaving their necessities at the same time.
Well, that's all for now. If you have any ideas please feel free to leave them. And as Aaron will be coming back soon, I should be off. Gotta GO!!!

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I would like to see a toilet that does its own aromatherapy. It could analyze the contents post-use and determine just how much aromatherapy is needed.