h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Auntie tells me that 'A court in Iran has ruled that a man who blinded a woman with acid after she spurned his marriage proposals will also be blinded with acid.'

Harsh - but after all that we've heard about Shariah Law being totally 'male orientated' - fair enough. An eye for an eye and all that but I don't doubt that the human rights activists and the paramilitary branch of the WI will be up in arms about it.

However Auntie also tells me that British justice has just awarded a lesbian army officer £200k compensation because a male office asked her for a bonk - and it upset her sexual proclivities, whilst the going rate for a chap who loses a couple of legs in Afghanistan (on behalf of HM's and Uncle Sam's governments, looking for someone who probably isn't there - and might well be quite upset, as he also liked jogging in his spare time) is about a 1/10th.

Something cock-eyed somewhere.

You are so right Pedantic! Much as I hate to admit it, I am all for an 'eye for an eye' approach.

With all the mindless lack of respect for other peoples lives here, I would love to bring back the stocks. In my view, the one thing the prats would not like, is to be ridiculed by their piers. Let everyone throw decaying veg at them and make them look stupid.

No comparison with your original posting I admit; but it hit a chord.

Scorp

What's the penalty for buggery in the "eye for an eye" book?

Ah yes - if you thumb through Exodos and Leviticus you come up with all sorts of wonderful possibilities and - if I recall correctly - the penalty meeted out to would be botty-stabbers is enough to make your eyes water.

But there is also so much else in there:

Dear Watchtower.

Exodos 29 vs 11 to 30

Following my Bible study, I have - as instructed - killed a bullock by the door of the tabernacle, take its blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar with my finger. I poured all rest of it at the bottom of the altar, according to the instructions.

I then took the fat that covereth the innards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and burn these upon the altar.

However, I did burn the flesh of the bullock, and his skin, and his dung, on a fire outside the ‘camp’ – in fact on the pavement.

I also took one ram, slayed it after my sons had touched it’s head, and sprinkled the blood round about upon the altar, before cutting the ram in pieces, and washing its innards and legs and putting them - with the other bits - and burning the whole lot upon the altar.

On killing the ram, I did remember to take its blood, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of my son, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar round about.

I then took the blood that was upon the altar, and of the anointing oil, and sprinkle this upon my son, and upon his garments, however, I was unable to sprinkle it upon his sons, and upon the garments of his sons with him as my grandson is only one-year old.

I also took the fat and the rump of the ram, and the fat that covereth the innards, as well the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and the right shoulder; and placed this on my son’s head – with some difficulty, I should add as my son is 6” taller than me, an Olympic swimmer and a vegetarian.`

Now – I quite understand that a burnt offering is a sweet savour unto the LORD but my neighbour had other ideas and called the police.

The result of this is that I have been arrested for child abuse, disturbing the piece and deviant behaviour. My children have been taken into care and I am to be charged under the the Welfare of Animals Slaughter or Killing Regulation 1995. I have been charged with building tabernacles without planning permission or building regulation approval and charged with damaging public property, endangering public safety and unlicensed disposal of animal waste – by burning the carcass of a bullock outside my camp.

Please advise,

Brother Hamid

Hi Pedantic,

If 'Brother Hamid' is a pseudonym for you, can I just say that I'm glad you're straightening your life out at last. If he's a friend of yours, on the other hand, then that's exactly the sort of righteous friend who could help you sort things out and show you the right direction.

My own advice would be to keep doing what's right. If you like, I could send you my e-mail address should you be moved to make a donation.


Jab

Dear Watchtower.
Exodos 21 vs 2 to 6.

I hope a relatively simple question for you - I just wish to do things properly.

I have just given my Hebrew slave his notice after seven years.

However, he married my housemaid whist in my service and now wants to remain in my service rather than leave his wife and children.

I have brought him to the doorpost but is there any specific size of awl that I should use to ‘bore his ear’ before binding him to my service in perpetuity?

Brother Hamid

1. To bore his ear - recite the whole of the Testament pointing out the new and wonderful lessons you have learnt from it.

2. Feel moved to make a righteous donation. According to God TV (online station) your life will become full of blessings if you do. All problems will be solved including World Peace. Leave it behind the hot water pipes at Euston Station in London.

Jab

Dear Watchtower.
Exodos 21 vs 32 & 28

My neighbour’s ox has just pushed my maidservant. When I demanded reimbursement under the law, he claimed that the bank has no silver sheckels – can you advise on the current €uro exchange rate.

I have – as instructed - stoned the ox but this brought another injunction under the the Welfare of Animals Slaughter or Killing Regulation 1995 and have been told "Holy ordinance or not - you can't go around killing oxen like that".

Now my neighbour says that the carcass, though a little bruised, is still his and wants to barbecue it for lunch. Isn’t this in contravention with clause/vs 28?

Please advise quickly as, if I am correct, we will have to make other luncheon arrangements
Brother Hamid