h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

An article on articles (not to be confused with various other articles.)

While it is fairly easy to define the definite and indefinite articles as basically, "the definite and indefinite articles," I have never seen a grammar which discussed the effect or affect of vocal tension on the meanings of these two simple sylables. Which, of course, is what I intend to do here. Or part of it.

The process of communication, strictly through the use of the written word has, over the last twenty years plus a bit, come to be recognized as significantly deficient as a mode of casual, or not so casual, conversation. After the earliest pointless and unjustified flame wars, the first real method of coping with these issues was invented. The (smiley)1 and all her/his/its2 siblings allowed us to begin to express indications of emotion that would have been indicated in spoken conversation by tone of voice, stress, and body language.

Those of us sensitive to these lost vocal/physical gestures have tried to introduce other gestures into an area limited by a realtively small possibilities of keyboard accents. This is most clearly indicated by the antagonism to the person who logs on with his/her/its caps lock key engaged.

"Please, stop shouting," has become much less of the joke it started out as.

Just by analyzing that one comment about shouting, we can discover things about conversation on line as well verbal communication. Typing exclusively in caps suggests an elevation of tone. It's visual presence suggests volume at the expense of clarity. That this should be a good description of shouting is educational in and of itself.

I am reminded here of a comment from a director from the National Theatre of the Deaf. He told me that for someone who's 'spoken' language is American Sign Language, seeing someone sign while wearing lots of lace at the wrist (as in an historical drama) was similar to reading something set in an Old English font.

Again this is interesting on two levels. Firstly, because we tend to speak of 'reading' sign language; the anecdote refers to a printed effect and we are at first unable to think of an equivalent spoken effect which a deaf person would not be aware of. Secondly, because the way a person dresses does not necessarily change the way that we expect that person's conversation to sound.

What I getting at here folks is something that seems to have been forgotten in all those English Litereature classes for long centuries now: The written language came after the spoken language. And, much more importantly, they are two different languages, the younger. a crude approximation of its elder.3




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1. When I'm feeling optimistic, I like to speculate that the smiley was invented around 4:33 in the morning as someone lay nearly asleep at his/her/its keyboard having just accidentally typed a ) after a :. "Aw! Ain't that cute!" I imagine this serendiptously inspired individual exclaiming. Most of the time, however, I don't feel optimistic. (I've rather gotten into a rut in my invokation of Sturgeon's Law.)

Given the way we all got bored at our keyboards waiting for someone to show up in a chat room, it was probably somewhat more deliberate might be imagined otherwise.

I have no idea who really came up with the first smiley, but I was there in late night chat rooms when everyone was busy inventing all the smiley race. I haven't looked at the list of prefabricated, hyper-cutified, no-longer-maleable smileys available here. I probably won't. I'll just use the ones I'm used to using and occasionally experiment with others. Whatever works, works. What doesn't gets dropped.

2. Don't laugh, I'm sure the Spanish, Italian, German, French and other telecommunicators were devistated till they settled on the gender of smileys.

3. Publishers of dictionaries and English teachers, please note: Spoken language is not written language. If written language is going to continue in its age-old game of follow-the-leader, it should run to catch up, not try to hang on the back of the wagon dragging its feet.