h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Went out to view the bovines (cows) today, and they looked really sad. Perhaps they are troubled by the fact that they are, indeed, cows, and perhaps they have just finished viewing a Shirley Maclaine film festival. Whatever the case, I am concerned about their morale.

It is possible, with our limited funding, to throw a party for the cows, which might improve their mood. Certainly any studies we will engage in from this point would have skewed results from the cows' depression. It's pathetic to watch, really, with the poor cows just wandering about, chewing their grass and hay, occasionally mooing and often taking calls from US Senator Jesse Helms.

Now, you may say, isn't that what cows do normally? And I would have to answer a hearty, "No, Ma'am!" (Unless, of course, you are male.) Cows have a distinctive pattern they wander while they eat, and their facial expressions show emotions at a range 10 times higher than human species (30 times higher than Jesse Helms) and cows can, at times, leap about in fits of pure euphoria.

Perhaps I shall check the cows tomorrow and see if they are having a better day, for today, no research can be done.