h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He died in October. I'd agreed to save a small quantity of the ashes for a trip where his father and I would go to his favorite spot on the coast and spread them. Then his father started inviting the rest of the family. I can deal with his father. Each of them is tolarable individually and in small quantities. But there was no way I could possibly withstand a two-hour one-way trip in a car with any but his father, let alone all of them.

His father then called and cancelled the trip. He said that I should go ahead, that he may never be ready to do this. I was relieved.

Then, in about March, his father called back. The trip was back on; for my husband's birthday, in July. I explained that I'd thought about it and really wanted to go myself, but that I'd be glad to ship their half of the ashes. My husband would have wanted this--everyone gets to do their own thing.

His father seemed confused that I'd not gotten an urn for any of the ashes. My understanding was that the ashes would all be spread, and besides that, my husband thought that having urns around was just creepy and also that they tend to be terribly overpriced. What cost about $500-$600 in the funeral homes can be purchased on e-bay for $120 or less, so he was right about that. I passed this information on to his father, along with the size that would hold half the ashes. I suggested that if he had the urn shipped to me, I'd fill it and ship it to them in time for their family get-together near the end of July.

I pretty well figure that his mother blames me for many things, including his death. She would almost certainly find fault with any urn I selected. So I certainly did not see any use in finding, and paying for, an item that would have a useful life of maybe a week.

His father re-iterated his invitation that I should accompany them to spread the ashes, and we left it at that. I spoke to him every three weeks after that, for some time. He became insistant that I go with them. I held my ground. My husband's family do not get along well when together, and the strain is palpable by complete strangers when they are together. I just couldn't associate my actual letting go of my husband with their squabbling, moping, pouting, and bickering. No thanks. I was firm about it without bluntly citing my reasons for avoiding their "event." I saw no reason to bring it up; to do so would be tacky.

I reminded him to get an urn. On at least three other occasions.

Then, about a week before my husband's family were to make the trip, his father tells me that he could not manage to win an e-bay acution for an urn. Never mind that most or all of them have a reasonable "buy it now" option. Once again, I explained that I'd just picked the ashes up in a double plastic bag. His father was bewildered. I imagine that he thought his son deserved better. Spending money on the dead does them no good. He asked about the "free" urn that the funeral home provided. I explained that they are not free; they charge about $80 for them, and they are just a cheap plastic box; and all the ashes would not have fit in it anyway. And all the ashes were to be spread rather than kept, to the best of my knowledge although very small urns are available for remberance if they wished to keep some (and I had suggested this many times). I left the ball firmly in his court.

He called back about a day later. The family had decided that the ashes should not be divided. I maintained that I did not wish to go with them. He asked if there was anything he could send me for when I wanted to spread my "half" of the ashes, if I sent them all of the ashes. He offered to trade something for my husband. I could not imagine anything suitable. Then he told me that it would be fine if I sent half, but he did not want to know that it was half.

Think about that for a minute. The implication is that he wants denyability, and that some member(s) of his immediate family are more interested in pleasing themselves than in what will be agreeable to everyone, or would be agreeable to my dead husband. It was more important for them to feel they had the final say in the matter than to be reasonable and respectful to their son's widow. And he also felt it was more important to accomodate them than stand up for me.

At this point I decided a couple of things. The first was that it would really be a bad idea to go with them to spread even their half of the ashes. The second was that they were not reasonable, and that IF there was any future for a good relationship with them, it was farther in the future than the next few months. Third, that although I had been saving items (of sentimental value) for them as mementos, I DID NOT WANT THEM IN MY HOUSE.

They had not set a specific time or day to pick up the items I was saving for them, so I explained that I had some student government business to attend to during that time and that I'd be happy to bring the items down to them (three hours away) on a certain day rather than miss them; I added that there was not much time to ship the ashes. This made sense for a number of reasons. First, the items I selected would make for cramped conditions with four people in their SUV. Second, it just seems rude to expect people in or near their eighties to haul this stuff around themselves. Third, I did NOT want them in my house. Period. I suggested that if he had an urn overnighted to me, I could still put the ashes in it and bring them with me. He insisted that I should go with them to the coast. I did not accept.

The next time I spoke to him, we set a time that I would be expected at his wife's house with the items and ashes. He was still concerned about the container. I did not give an inch; he had months to solve this problem, and a lack of planning on his part would not constitute an emergency on mine.

Sounds SO like my family it isn't funny.

My aunt and uncle went to pop my Nana's ashes in my grandpa's grave without my Ma, without even telling her. They were nice enough to save her some, though.

In an empty aleve bottle.

Mind I reckon Nana would get quite a laugh out of that one.