h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sam the Caterpillar woke up one morning next to his mistress, wiping the smog from his eyes and memories from his mind, he attempts to forget last night's madness. Shaking his head like the huge creatures that humans carry around on leashes, our hero pours another whisky. It's 11am and Sam is late for work, "haven't you got a house of your own to go to!!" he yells at his lover Suzie as he throws the empty whisky bottle against the wall.
With his little caterpillar nose pressed against the window he stares out at the tall grass where so many of his friends and family have perished. The heavy rain does nothing to heighten his mood so Sam pops some more of the pills his 'local pharmacist' gave him, "red, yellow, blue" he mumbles, "make me feel good".

Quickly making a call to work to tell his ugly yellow toothed boss that he was doing some "work from home" in his sweetest candy voice while he ushers Suzie out the door violently. He had only just bought this 'Safety Match Box' house and that good for nothing Centapeed Suzie had already cluttered it up with her stuff, completely erasing the life he once had with his estranged wife Charlie the Butterfly, who was a little bit older than Sam. Tidying up a little, Sam tramples on a piece of glass and bleeds from his many feet, leaning down he noticed it was a picture frame he had cut himself on. A picture of him Charlie and his son Jack back in the happy days. Now his happy family is covered in blood.