h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sea, sitting in her office with the architect and contractors, is reviewing a model of the hideout that she is about to have built*

[sea] so most of it will be underground?

[architect] yes, ma'am. your existing lab will be connected, and we are building a factory for... whatever you choose to manufacture. there will also be a garage, and *ahem* those OTHER facilities we spoke of earlier. the part that is above ground will look very much like a castle.

[sea] earth, thirteenth century?

[architect] of course. fifteen bedrooms, fifteen baths, one master suite with private bath, one fully-stocked library, and an indoor pool.

[sea] *to the contractors* is this all feasible?

[contractor] we've gone over the plans with the architect, and we've decided it will take.... one week.

[sea] excellent. and how much will it cost?

*the architect and contractors look at each other nervously*

[architect] we're not exactly sure yet, ma'am, but right now the estimate is... ahem... thirteen million earth dollars.

*sea looks unperturbed*

[sea] good. commence the construction.

*the architect and contractors leave. sea leans back in her chair and puts her feet up on her desk*

[sea] at last... my own evil hideaway...

*sea laughs maniacally*

*one week later, the contractor knocks on the door*

[sea] come in.

*the contractor opens the door timidly and steps inside*

[contractor] the hideaway is finished, ma'am. http://www.h2g2.com/A475094 .

[sea] you put in all the passages and catacombs and dungeons i requested?

[contractor] yes ma'am.

*the architect enters*

[architect] you sent for me, ma'am?

[sea] yes. it occurs to me that both of you could now get into and out of my home without detection. i SHOULD have you both killed. but i won't. i'm offering you a bribe instead: one hundred million dollars each, in addition to my payment for the construction, to never return here, and never tell ANYONE about this place. one word and you will BOTH be terminated.

*sea reaches into a drawer in her desk. the contractor and architect flinch. sea removes three checks*

[sea] one for the architect, for $100,000,000, one for the contractor, for $100,000,000, and one for your company, for $13,000,000. payment in full. thank you, gentlemen. you are dismissed.

*the contractor and architect leave in awe. sea sighs, leans back in her chair, and picks up the phone*

[sea] helmsley? you may begin moving the furniture into the castle. yes, it's finished. good. thank you, helmsley.

*sea hangs up the phone and smiles*

*lafinass taps gently in the door way*

[lafinass] My queen? The Acolytes and I believe it to be in your best interest to kill the contractor and the architect, steal all of their cheese and burn their office to the ground.

*waits hesitantly for a response*

[lafinass] Since you don't want to decide now, you may summon me when you have. I'll be in the temple. http://www.h2g2.com/U161691