h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i crashed today.

...i'm now in the lower 6th at my school studying for my AS levels. i did my GCSE's last year.

...at the beginning of this term, roughly a week ago, everyone was really excited about seeing everyone else in their new 6th form suits which we wear instead of regulated uniform.

...around thursday last week i started finding i was a lot tireder that i had been at the beginning of term and i missed breakfast a few times, but that wasn't too bad because it let me sleep in a bit...

...on sunday i had a really lazy day and i met up with the girl i got with at the disco and we were talking, which was nice, and i walked her back to her house. it's going ok with her at the moment. not fantastically, but good. this is my first relationship in a while though and i don't want to mess it up...

...on tuesday we had rugby again, which was one of the most boring, monotonous and badly played practice sessions i've ever done. i really want to quit rugby. i've never liked having to throw myself at people and deliberately hurting them for an objective that is gone after an hour and leaves behind nothing but fatigue and bruises. and stud marks. and bleeding ears from the scrums. and raw patches on my face where the skin has been rubbed off. and a painful mark on my hand where someone stepped on me. i spoke to my mum on the phone about it and i told her that the only reason i am still playing it at all this year is because my parents want to be able to watch me compete in something when they come over to visit, and the only reason i carried on with it last year was because the team really needed me because we had over half the team off for various reasons. our 2 best players, the twins, were injured, our other best player got moved up to the 1sts, 6 other people (that's 6 minimum! at one point i think there were 11 off!) were injured too, and i played all the way through in what was, very probably, the worst rugby season this school has ever seen. and she said 'oh but you're so good at it' which is a common mis-conception. i'm tall. i'm probably quite strong. this does not make me a good rugby player. i am a bad rugby player. i can barely catch, i can't spin pass in either direction, i have no motivation, no skill, no real speed advantage and in the match last saturday i was desperate for the whistle to go. i didn't even care that we'd won 22-0. all i wanted to do was leave. i want to do it this weekend because we're playing at a school where i know a lot of people, but after that i would be only too happy to quit. i've always hated it. i want to do swimming instead.

...all those feelings came back on tuesday during the session, and i suppose that one and the one today contrubuted to the crash, which happened about 4 hours ago now. i was in the 6th form common room earlier and although i knew i had things to do i couldn't do them because there were so many. they weren't even very important. things like check the notice board, go to see the woman about the costumes for the musical, go to town to buy a scrum hat...

...anyway, when i got back to the house after the long rehearsal i tried to install the cd for physics which had the questions we had to do for prep. i couldn't do it. the instructions didn't seem to work on my system, so i went over to the school IT room because i'd been told that the program was on the school system. it wasn't. i had to come back to house and try again. i managed it but it took me ages to do and then i couldn't do any of the questions and it's due in tomorrow as is my maths prep which i also had to do, and i have loads of biology to do tomorrow and i've just been set an essay in english and i don't even know when the deadline for it is.

...as i realised all this the good feeling i'd mostly had since the beginning of term, the high if you will, disappeared, and now i've crashed, and i'm in the low. the period of despair and realisation that i get from knowing i'm trapped in playing rugby and doing all my preps and not having enough time for music practice when i'm supposed to know all my scales and arpeggios for jazz by my lesson on friday and that there's a girl i like and i'm probably going to end up screwing it up like i do everytime and now even my phone isn't working because it keeps on turning off when i'm halfway through writing a text and my room smells because i can't wash my kit often enough because i have too many practices and my room's a mess because it just is and i have huge blisters from my new school shoes which i wore for all of one day and now i can't wear them because it hurts too much!! and i'm so much of a perfectionist that i've been through this entry about 4 times now adding thing and making myself even more...whatever the word it. it's not good enough to be anger. more like depression.

...and here you go. that was it. i crashed. i feel a little better now it's all out in the open, just not very much.

Life's too short and you're too young to have so much stress.

Take each worry in turn and ask yourself "does it really matter in the great scheme of things if I don't achieve that goal?".

This especially applies to things you are doing to fulfill other peoples dreams which are not your own.

OK, costumes are important if they are your responsibility and you have a dress rehearsal date to meet, but is it life threatening if you haven't learned those scales?

Will it kill you to admit you can't do everything?

Will you lose all your friends because of it? If so, they're not real friends.

Concentrate on the important and the enjoyable.

JT

thanks JT. looking back on that it seems all rather petty now but at the time i just felt a bit overwhelmed. got the costume measured and did some music and the other stuff. still doing rugby but intending to quit after my parents come over. i know long term it's stupid to worry about stuff like one prep or a music lesson and i'll try not to let myself get so wound up in future but it all those little things just came crashing down around me and i felt like couldn't take them all at once.

thanks for helping JT.

I wish it was as easy as that with my sister, but she's got tons more baggage to deal with.

JT

hope she gets better soon. being down sucks. have a good holiday.