h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Found this tucked away in a remote corner of the house the other day. I'm quite disturbed by it to say the least...

Excerpts from a Cat’s diary…

DAY 339 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 344 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. MUST try this at the top of the stairs! In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

Day 350 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 357 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in the attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm…NOT working according to plan.

Day 369 - I am finally aware of just how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick, twisted, perverse mind could invent such a liquid?!?! My only consolation is the piece of one of my captor’s thumbs still stuck between my teeth.

Day 370 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage!

Day 384 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and converses with them regularly in exchange for food. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the small and stoutly barred hanging cage, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

*tries very hard not to have hysterics*

Thank you.

I laughed till cryed!!! I thought I might cough up a fur ball!!
I think we might have the same cat.
herbie

Thank you Herbie, I'm gratified I was able to entertain with this peice and sincerely appreciate the feedback! Yup, my cat Baby (or Queen Baby as she prefers to be refered to.) is a handful and a half. She has now learned to open the cupboard to get to her food all by herself, leaving an unbelievable mess for me to discover at a later time. This of course has necessitated my changing her to tins of cat food, rather than the dry stuff she can't finish in one sitting and can't be resealed from her prying paws and chomping teeth.
~S

Oh, oh oh... (yes o IS a letter)! That poor kitty!

You cruel fiends! (speaking as my role-playing character) How could you sumbit the one of the most noble creatures in the universe to such torment?! You... you ... you nasty things you!!

I hope the cat gets you!

Too late. That's why I'm a shadow. Queen Baby or Her Royal Majesty Thank you Ever Very So Much already got me. Hence the reason I'm a non-corporeal shade these days. I have my revenge though, now she spends most of her days and nights trying to catch a peice of what looks to be string, but in fact is a tattered piece of my cloak and since it's shadow as well, it can't be got.
~S

By the by, As a male cat is called a Tom, a female is called a Queen, hence the name.

Well good for her!

Huh. *snorts* Just for that you get my INFAMOUS Klingon Bronx Cheer smiley!

HA! }};~{P>~ Take that!

~S

*g* thats very funny.

Thank you. I worked very hard to come up with a combination that worked and made a passable Klingon face. I was part of an online sim group that played Star Trek. As my persona was a VERY LARGE Klingon, I used this as a trademark when I sent out story lines via EMail: }}:~{|>
~S

Well! Just for THAT! smile, you get...

*sets a grenade down in front of shadow. The grenade has had the pin pulled but there is an elastic band which prevents it from going off (the spoon is tied down) a slow burning object is working at slowly burning the elastic.*

And may I have permission to jab you in the leg with this needle to prevent you from running away?

*wry grin* Sadly enough, I am no longer corporeal, as I mentioned earlier. Therefore the grenade can't really harm me, nor can you stick me in the leg with a needle to give me a shot, as I don't have a leg to be stuck in. *shrugs apologetically* Sorry better luck next time.
~S

*grabs a mirrior from out of nowhere and scold herself* This is what happens when you pay no attention to detail! If I've learned it once I've forgot it once. ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION!!!

Now I have a perfectly good grenade, ready to ply wih and everything, and nobody to scare with it!

*breaks the elastic and throws the grenade to the OTHER side of H2G2*

Well, i hope it does some damage, or atleast scares somebody half to death.

Talk about irony. If you're in my forum, then you're halfway to death already! You see, I submitted a Guide Entry on Death and am waiting for it to be approved. So...you're halfway there!
~S

=^!_!^=
What sort of morbid person are you?!
*anime style fall down (face first, feet in the air, wish me had a good pic for it)*

-_-* no... maybe nevermind... I suddenly have the feeling that I want to leave THIS forum.

Morbid? Not really. It was on the list of guide entries that need to be rewritten, so I stepped up, took a swing at it and submitted the result for approval. Considering in the past 5 years, I've had 8 people who were close to me die, I'd say I'm qualified to do so.
~S

Okay, not morbid...
-_^* <-- anime tear mark face<--

No need to cry. It's a part of life. Happens to all of us eventually, good thing too, otherwise it'd be terribly crowded around here about now.
~S