h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A lifetime supply of Matrix's Icon-for-men's Body Building Shampoo: that is surely what I must have. My God, the body of my hair will be forever built. Could I do it 3 times a day and turn my hair's body into the equivalent of what Chyna has done for her's? And will that 'do it' for me, or will it 'do it' for those who gaze upon my countenance?

I discovered the motherlode of Matrix by accident. I kept finding greenish goo on stuff in the bottom of a closet, but its source was a mystery. I was certain of every possession in the spartan rental house, the bulk of my stuff packed in numbered boxes in two storage sheds 30 miles apart. My new ex-wife had watched every thing I took from the home I'd been rebuilding for 16 years with a charm I had never discovered during our years together--I knew everything I had.

I found it by accident. I was turning a room in the house from a storage pit of s**t randomly tossed in by my roommate or me into a bedroom for my daughter's custodial visits. A bulging FarmFresh grocery bag hung from a clothes hanger in the closet. It was filled with black plastic 33.8 fluid ounce jugs of Icon for Men Body Building Shampoo. One was leaking. They could only have come from my ex's salon. What could this mean?

Surely it means that it will be some time--years--before I buy my next bottle of Flex. Despite missknowitallhairchemicals' oft-repeated stern warnings when we had started dating of the buildup of paraffin about the roots of my hair, I like Flex. I like the smell. I smell Flex and I'm whisked back twenty years into the shower with Marion and her waist-length hair. She shampooed it with Flex and rinsed with Flex Creme Rinse Conditioner every day, and I helped. I helped and I looked upon her gorgeous, wet body. Sometimes I helped myself to other things while she was busy rinsing, and every time I kneel I can remember the taste of Flex Conditioner on my tongue.

I've been back on my own for almost a year now. Maybe it's time to buy a bottle of Flex and start living again. Perhaps the Icon will do a good job on my car, altho I would think that a little paraffin would be better for beading-up the water in the rain.