h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Christian Science experts have triumphantly announced the development of a single, unifying theory which proves once and for all that two opposing forces, known technically as GO(o)D and (d)EVIL, are at work in the universe and driving all known physical phenomena.

It has long been suspected that Good and Evil were not simply relative terms applicable to the sphere of societal interactions, but were in fact fundamental inalterable laws woven inextricably into the fabric of the very cosmos itself. But until today, no actual theoretical model existed to explain this.

Today's announcement has rocked the scientific world. The applications and ramifications of the discovery will undoubtedly cause entire shelves of books to be rewritten or burned.

One startling implication of the theory is the confirmation of the already widespread and intuitive idea that anyone who disagrees with any if the theory's implications is evil.

Other implications spread through several different fields of existing sciences will have to be studied carefully. For instance, Christian Science biologists say it may be possible, based on studies of, say, Arabian DNA, to locate an "evil" gene; conversely, they believe that in due course their research will discover a proliferation of "good" genes universal to all Americans, and especially in Christians. Possibly chemical weapons can be developed that target only those possessing the "evil" gene, according to one source in the CDC.

Not all scientists are behind the discovery 100%. Famed physicist Stephen Jay Gould held a press conference earlier to debunk the theory. "This is unbelievable bulls**t," said Gould in his brief statement. However, when an alignment reading of Gould's soul was taken later with an Evilometer, Gould was determined to be evil. He was promptly arrested, his office ransacked and his notes taken into government custody, and he now awaits trial as a possible Osama Bin Laden sympathizer.

George W. Bush, who has already been granted unprecedented and sweeping military powers in a panic-button move by congress, loudly praised the discovery as very, very good. Although presently occupied in his glorious holy war against evil, he is expected to announce the dissolution of the Republican party and the formation of the Good party once the current crisis is resolved.