h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thanks for the mail and encouragement, support like this makes the effort well worth while, great picture too, mmmmmmhh

I am still fiddling about round here trying to find the best way to post,I seem to be getting it all over the place, and a bit untidy too.
But it is certainly a great site for developing interest.

Cheers H.

Just A Coaled Night.

Storm had cut a paw, nothing serious but he was having a couple of days off, and I had teamed up with Jimmy Wicks one of our top rated mobile patrol officers; Jim’s partner Ernie Simcox had a similar problem, not a cut paw, more probably a cold.

Beattie’s Coal Yard in Ardwick Manchester had been having some losses of coal from their stocks stacked by the wall adjoining Ardwick Flats, and Sherlock Holmes was not needed to deduce one simple fact; the coal was going into the flats. We were walking by the wall between the coal yard and the flats when there were two loud bumps, and two sacks of coal landed almost at our feet, followed immediately by two coal dusted figures, who automatically presumed that we were about to steal their coal.

They gave a kind of a low growl to protect their property, and we just walked past the coal without a sound, this gave the two men both satisfaction and obvious confidence. Jim and I worked almost, but not quite as efficiently as Storm and I. We both turned together and as soon as the two men picked up the sacks of coal we were on each side of them, and they had both of their hands full.

I said “ Police, I am arresting you for stealing this coal, “ and I’m Father Christmas “ said one of the thieves. “ “ And I am one of his reindeer “ said Jim. This was followed by click; click, as two pairs of handcuffs were snapped on. “ Hell, they are not kidding,” said Father Christmas, and two bags of coal fell to the ground with two dull thuds.

“ It’s like this officers, my kids are at home and we have no fire or heating, my mate is only helping me to keep them warm.” “ Right ” said Jim, a man of instant decisions when required.“ One of you can bring a sack of coal and come with us, while we have a look to see if you are telling the truth. The other one can stay here by the bus stop, and look after one bag of coal. ”

He then handcuffed him to the railings by the bus stop and away we went into the flats. Exactly as the man had said, there were four children and their mother huddled around a few embers of smouldering wood. “ We’ve got locked up,” he said “ I will probably see you in the morning.”

“ Right, tip that bag there before we go,” said Jim, then we all went to join the other man who was most certainly not waiting for a bus.
“ Put half of that coal in the empty bag while my mate goes for the van ” Jim said, and away I went for the van.

At Hyde Road Manchester Police Station, Jim charged them both, and we got a guilty reply. When the Charge Sergeant asked if we had any objection to bail, Jim replied that they were sound to turn up in the morning for Court, as he had already tested their address.

When they were leaving Hyde Road Police Station, one of them said, “ I would like to take you two for a pint,” but Jimmy said, “ Go and have one on me see you in the morning,” as he slipped him a ten shilling note.

The morning after they both appeared in Court, pleaded Guilty as expected, and Jimmy told the story of the children with no fire. He never mentioned the bit about leaving a bag of Beattie’s best nuts at the house, and the two men received a smacked wrist each.

When we were all leaving the Court together, our clients were stopped by a City Detective on a fishing trip. “ What have you two been up to now?” It was obvious that he knew them both quite well, and he received an answer he most certainly never expected. “ You can push off Simpson, we are with these two and if we have any more business we are giving it to them.”

Cheers H.

Vengeance is Mine.

"Vengeance is mine!" said the child silently, after the School Dentist with the smelly, cigarette stained fingers had painfully ripped out a back tooth, damaging the tender young mouth. I will be bigger than you quite soon, and I will be back.

"Vengeance is mine!" said the child, now a little taller but still silent, after the brutal sadistic headmaster had delivered one of his normal, extremely heavy handed strokes of the Strap to a quivering right hand, the bottom lip also quivering but the tears in check. I will be bigger and stronger than you quite soon, and I will be back.

"Vengeance is mine!" said the slim youth, still silently, as he discovered that his precious, hard earned wage had been stolen from his jacket pocket. This time a little bolder, but still cautious as he looked the suspect thief directly in his eyes. I will be bigger and stronger than you quite soon, and I will be back.

"Vengeance is mine!" said the man, now confident with authority, as he knocked on the unpainted door of a neglected, dingy looking house. The well-established,official sounding, extremely confident rat a tat tat of the doorknocker ringing throughout the empty sounding house.

A faint rustling sound betrayed the fact that there was someone behind the unpainted door, then it slowly opened to expose the figure of a man framed in the open doorway. Alcohol abuse and old age had shrunken the previously enormous figure to a shadow of its former self, and the weakened old eyes did not recognise the figure of absolute authority at his door.

"Sorry to have bothered you Sir, I appear to have the wrong address," as the handcuffs were slipped silently back into a pocket, and the well rehearsed words of the official caution cast aside together with the remainder of the ancient quest. Offences of theft may remain on the books indefinitely, but vengeance has no place there in.

Cheers H.