Journal Entries
2000-6-14
Posted Jun 15, 2000
Sometimes you can look back and realize that this one thing a person said to you changed you forever.
When I was living in Stockholm, I realized something that up to that point had been only a clische: No promise is forever. And because of that I shy away from ppl who say "never ever". You shouldn't make promises like that. They can't be true. You don't know the future.
At the time I was not in very good shape, emotionally. I was looking for someone I could share with, and most of all I was looking for someone whom I could have a rational conversation about suicide with. Different ways of doing it, etc. And I met someone and he listened for the longest time.
And then he asked me why I was telling him all these things.
I can still hear it, it's like a video tape in my mind and his voice is so crisp and clear, and I understood that you can't share eveything. I still freeze up when I hear him say that. It is the most shamefull moment of my life; knowing I had said too much.
I don't talk to anyone about me anymore, unless it's shallow and means nothing.
I don't cry in front of ppl. Not even the ones who are closest to me. I go in to the shower and cry behind the shielding sound of water falling.
I hide when I'm in pain like an animal. I can't bear to be caught unguarded. No, it's not like it was his fault. I live and I learn, he really had no obligations towards me. How was he to know?
The thing he did though, that lingered, was that he said he'd always be there for me. No one had ever said that to me before and even though common sense told me it was an illusion, a kind of emotianal fraud, I believed him, and when he wasn't there for me I punished him with the most hatefull letters I have ever written.
He didn't respond to that either.
It's hard, I should be over this by now. But some nights I think of him and feel this over again like it just happened.
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Latest reply: Jun 15, 2000
2000-06-14
Posted Jun 15, 2000
I got interrupted in the middle of complaining last time. Oh well, we don't all talk in perfect sentences.
I am contemplating things that shouldn't matter but does anyway. A thing that really gets on my nerves is ppl who repeat the same joke over and over. Especially if the joke is on me.
It seems like after a while you should be able to come up with the perfect retort, but I just get depressed. I withdraw with the feeling that my quest to get accepted is doomed to fail. Of course this only applies to ppl that matters. Ppl whom don't respect I just don't respect. I don't care if they hate my guts or think that I'm a pathetic fool.
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Latest reply: Jun 15, 2000
Almost
Posted Jun 14, 2000
head ache free since January and now it's starting again. An attack is slowly subsiding. Kodein? I don't think so, it wasn't long enought since I took it. No it's mocking me with going away when I gave in to the temptatoon.
I swore, just like poor fool suffering from hangover to better myself. I will call the neurologist and get the phone number for the dentist and
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Latest reply: Jun 14, 2000
Pain
Posted Jun 13, 2000
What's life without pain? How would i know if I was really alive if every day didn't break some part of my heart.
I cry easily, just at a song or the news or someone else's pain. If I could make everyone happy I would. Their failed loves and their defeats and their let downs tear at me, as if it was ultimate me that caused them all their dissapointments.
I am a martyr. I'd kill myself for you. I'd kill myself for me. I just never could bring myself to cut deep enought.
"still i look to find a reason to believe"
I put too much meaning in other ppl's words and songs. I am thinking perhaps we share something deep down, but it's all an illusion. I am always here alone.
Knowing that normally makes me either bitter or depressed, depending on the day. Good days it's just a sweet melancholy.
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Latest reply: Jun 13, 2000
Monday
Posted Jun 13, 2000
It's Monday again. At the threat of sounding common I must admit I don't like that it's Monday. The weekend went by too fast. Like it never really existed. It's not that work rally bothers me it's that I don't have this time to myself. I can't decide what to do with it.
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Latest reply: Jun 13, 2000
Ygg
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