Journal Entries
The Edge of the Blade
Posted Apr 25, 2005
The Edge of the Blade
Is sharp indeed
It twists and turns
It's hard not to bleed
Being stabbed in the back
You hear the blade crack
You fall to your knees
No-one hears your plea's
It's hard trying to calm
muddy waters so deep
Give up, it's easier
There's no need to weep
Over things you don't have
control over anymore
I lay here now
with my back on the floor
You see
This way they can't
Thrust the knife so deep
This way I don't
Have to weep
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Apr 25, 2005
...
Posted Feb 10, 2005
*hunkers up knees, wraps arms around them and rocks*
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Feb 10, 2005
*puts match sticks in eyes*
Posted Nov 25, 2004
why am I so tired?
why can't I function properly?
i hate this
Discuss this Journal entry [14]
Latest reply: Nov 25, 2004
*sits and cries*
Posted Oct 26, 2004
To let someone go is the hardest thing to do. To set someone free of my mind. To miss their touch, their jokes, their laughs.
so sad
Discuss this Journal entry [22]
Latest reply: Oct 26, 2004
A quiet little corner
Posted Oct 18, 2004
4 weeks nearly to the day now.
Each day brings new and old problems. Today is one such day. The sudden manic onslaught of posting one after the other after the other, then down I go again, to slowly make my way back up that steep slope.
So why have I not done this in my usual space? 2 reasons. This way I can keep my thoughts in order without having people posting silly little non-commital comments (no offence to anyone). Sort of like a daily diary for me. 2, I can't keep bombarding my friends with cr@p like this. They will slowly start filtering away...I do believe this has already started, but I don't blame anyone. Not in the slightest.
As far as I am aware, no-one has me down as a friend under this name. Is this what I want? Am I here to "bring" attention to myself and get "pity" and "attention"? I don't think so. If I wanted this, then I would use my other account....I think.
Bringing my blood to the boil is easily done. I am sure I will have to have my tongue surgically sewn back on if I'm not careful. Snapping at people who mean me no harm. I can't help it.
My inner most emotions are a jumble. I can't make sense of how I truly feel. Is this the tablets, or my illnes? I don't know. Every morning I take the tablets as directed by the doctor. If they are doing any good then I would hate to see what I would now be like if I were not on them.
My boss has been great again this morning. Talking to me. He's a depressive himself...have I already told you this? He was explaining what the tablets actually do, even though I have read up on them in the past, how he explained it seemed to make much more sense.
I got a little jumpy last night, walking the dog. It was around 11.30pm. It was windy so I took the dog along a well lit, fairly well used walk. I was getting ready to turn around anyway to bring the dog back when I heard it. BANG! Even now, thinking back, it was louder than I had heard otherones going off in the area. I remember shuddering and looking around to see if anyone was there. No-one. I walked the dog back along the road. He must have sensed me being tense as before that he was being a swine, then when that happened, he just fell to heal beside me and kept looking up at me. (not that he can see much in the dark, as he is going blind).
I had to walk past the spot where it happened last year to put his bag of dog poo in the bin. I wasn't overly bothered by that, it was the other side of the road that was making me feel slightly unwary. Again, no-one was there. The dog didn't want to walk along the path as usual, but on the road...in fact, right down the middle of the road. He took me straight to the front door. No walking into the hedge like he usually does. Bless him. Looking after me again.
Perhaps once the 5th November is over and done with, I can turn my attention to the plans that I have for myself. I don't want to say what they are right now as I don't want to let anyone down if I don't manage to do it. A lot of will power will be needed for it...something which I am lacking quite a lot now.
Anyway. I'm sure I will be back tomorrow with an indepth analysis of what happened today, and how I'm feeling at that precise moment.
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Latest reply: Oct 18, 2004
RR
Researcher U912123
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