h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

One piece i wouldn't mind you reviewing is Rubberneckers. If you do please be aware that the lack of paragraphs is intentional. it is meant to signify her mind set at the time. Thanks.
Kellie

‘Rubbernecking’ is the story of a woman driven to exact revenge on her tormentors and kill herself.

It’s brave, I think, to present a work for a competition, formatted and written, in such as way as this, to a panel of judges and expect them to read further than the first few sentences. It will say to some, if not all, of them: this person is a complete amateur that doesn’t know how to write.

They will get this impression from looking at the first page. It will be an unattractive dense block of text, albeit double-spaced. A negative response will start forming before the first words are read. And when those first eighty or so words contain a clichéd expression that is rammed home, their second negative response will be recorded.

They will have no idea that the structure is deliberate and that the narrator is about to kill and then commit suicide. They will not get the fact that she speaks in ordinary language, however mundane, because this is his how she thinks.

Those who persevere past those opening words and settle into the rhythm will witness the final moments of a woman out to exact revenge. At the end they may look back and say: I see now why the work was laid out like this. It was a good idea - but it fails.

I think the story coming from inside a person’s head as events happen, fails because it doesn’t read like that.

But first, a brief quote from Orson Scott Card’s book “Characters & Viewpoint”

“(There) is a problem that comes with all first-person narrators, the problem of time. The narrator, as participant in the events, is telling us what happened in the past...The use of present tense and stream of consciousness were attempts to bridge the first-person time barrier - with little success...since both techniques tend to drive away the vast majority of their potential audience.”

The way the story is actually written isn’t a stream of consciousness at all, there are too many references to what she is doing. She is in fact narrating her own death in real time. She wouldn’t think to herself: Standing here at the top of this building, I take the time to look down on the people below me.

She would think: Look at all those ants down there.

I haven’t, and probably none of the readers of this story would have, ever experienced the events that lead to her mental state in the story. We can only imagine. Therefore we cannot empathise deeply enough, we are taken out of her head because of this and become as much a ‘Rubbernecker’ as those standing below her. Yes, we have an advantage, because with can hear her thoughts, but her thoughts don’t sound real.

Stephen King is a master of internal thoughts at the time of extreme horror or preceding an act that would usually be abhorrent to a normal reader. He adds a seemingly mundane observation that makes me laugh, and releases the tension a bit. Your story tries to rack up the tension at a never-ending pace as if to hide any of it’s flaws.

Your narrator seems too logical, things are too pre-planned; she even has doubts about her own courage. This is not a woman on the edge of despair. She could kill maybe, but not herself.

On old chestnut raises itself again: The idea that I’ve been improperly deceived. The woman’s goals are to attract a similar crowd that witnessed and behaved so badly at her mother’s suicide and to kill most of them before throwing herself off.

All I get for most of the story, is her anger and hatred but nothing is said of her pleasure that her plan is working. After about half way, I knew she was going to do more than just jump, that she was going to try and inflict some damage on those below, I just didn’t know how until the end.

Any reflected shame I felt that humans could stand and watch someone kill themselves in the manner they did was lost because of what the woman was doing. Suicide is selfish, but put revenge and mass murder in there as well, and I’m left with no good feelings for her or the crowd. I too turn away once the rubbernecking ceases, glad that it’s over.


RK

I sincerely hope you do win, despite what I've just said. If you do, I'll deny ever writing this.

you do have a sense of humour under that Simon Cowell-esk wrap that you wear like a badge of honour. Stephen King is a fantastic writer and i know that i will never ever be as good as him. but i am following the same route. I write erotic stories for womens top shelf magazines and make quite a good living at it, hopefully inside me is a Carrie or even a Green Mile-the books that is not the films. I like to explore the dark side of things. I agree with what you say about the paragraph structures. A lot of people who reviewed Rubberneckers didn't understand that, andi agree that the judges may not as well. I promise i will let you know what happens if ido win. If you look through anymore of my work, please disregard Mr Scary-crow- yes it is in the final of this months Kent competition but i regard it as my weakest piece EVER.

So what made you put down your pen? i read your work. Inspiring. i'm not as good at reviewing as you but it made me listen to your reviews more knowing that you do have a skill and your crits are there to help us.

Kellie

I think what happened, was I read so much about the technical skills of writing I lost the desire to be creative. I became more interested in how the thing worked that in actually using it. That's not to say I know everything about writing, far from it.

RK the reviewer, is like a character I suppose, I wear her dark clothes, see through her dark eyes. It's not nice sometimes but I can write with her voice quite easily now.

RK the writer, is now considering a short little story about sexual perversion, but I'm having difficulty in setting it and describing it without it potentially getting pulled by the moderators.

Maybe, the desire is returning, I shall see.

RK

you're a woman!!!!!! i thought you were a bloke!!!! if i canhelp at all let me know, sexual perversions are my speciality. i write erotica for a living

p.s, that's why i don't read books like How to write a perfect story or creative writing for beginners. i'd much rather learn from my peers and from my own mistakes. For example i am re-writing A mothers love. it still won't be to your taste but changed things like the reactions of the other scientists when she stabs him and their reasons for doing it even though it is illegal. also the year it is set and this time she actually gets to touch him before he decides to try to commit matricide.

Your science fiction readers will also need more information about the downloading of the son's past memories. How they were originally stored from and how it's done. They like that sort of thing.

Yeah they might, but i don't i want the main focus to be the mothers pain and anguish. and the readers to slowly become aware of her mental instability. oh who am i trying to kid. her complete and utter madness!!! i don't want to get too deep in the sci fi details

It's just a genre thing, I think.

If you have a Genetic scientist carrying out Genetic manipulation in a laboratory, set in the future, (some) readers will feel cheated by the lack of scientific explanation.

Sorry to use that word again.

don't particularily () give a toss bout the sci-fi freaks!!!! they can get their jollies elsewhere. It was an experiment. i usually write porn and i am trying to expand my knowledge of other styles. how am i doing so far????????????

A bit too early to tell yet.

Are there any styles you hate? or are you going to try them all?

I think if you hate a style then there is more reason to try it. I enjoy writing the porn. I work freelance for a couple of magazines writing short erotic stories. but i find it really easy to write so i am trying to stretch myself. thats why i tried the sci-fi. i'm going to try everything. i think to develop my style i can't be afraid to try and fail. so what work on this site have you enjoyed. would be interesting to read what you have enjoyed

I'm trying to write a savagely funny story about sexual perversion, but I've hit a block at the moment. At the moment it's neither savage or funny. Maybe I should review it myself.

You can cast your professional eye over it when (if) I finish it. But it's not supposed to be erotic.

Very recently I came across this story:

The Name of the Game A3669681

It made me cry.