h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

RK,
I've read some of your posts and you don't hold back. I'd be grateful if you could take some time to review some of my own work on here.

Nearly everyone is too nice on this site - and I need someone to genuinely tell it how they see it, because there's not a lot I can do with positive criticism. So I would like you to tell me what's awful in my writing and be d@mned to the 'constructive criticism' school of reviewing.

I'm sure I'll regret this, but I need to know!

None of your stories 'light my fire' I'm afraid, so I would find it hard to be constructive.

But if you REALLY think I can help you improve your writing by being brutally honest, then you must choose one of your stories for me to start with.

I notice most of your stories are written in first person. Is this your favoured style? If so, choose one of those.

But please, not the shaggy dog story, or the one that begins with Judith Chalmers presenting "Wish You Were Here" in the Orkneys.

RK

Okay-doke.

If you could have a look at the very first one called Noodle Bar. Despite being told otherwise, I still feel it's all over the place and more like three disjointed stories in one - but I can't think how to tie all the elements together more neatly, or even whether to bother.

I don't have a preferred style yet because I don't have the experience. First person, however, is NOT my preference but fitted what I was being asked to do by others.

In the past I have written for me and for friends, but I now need to sharpen up my act for a variety of reasons. I've been accused of over-use of adjectives even when I was completely unaware I'd even used any. My characterisations tend to be superficial, albeit deliberately: I have a Victorian worship of plot driven stories.

Grateful for your time - if I agree with you it might help me, if I disagree that might help me too.

thanks

It’s like looking at an aeroplane crash site and trying to find what was wrong with the Chicken Tikka Massala they served during the flight.

‘Story’ summary:

People need good gimmicks to associate themselves with. Man who has wrong or no gimmick looses business and hangs himself. New owner literally uses his noodle and exploits the noose as a gimmick and crowds flock to see it.


In detail:

The first third reads like an article in a newspaper by a celebrity who has something to say about life or society. The comparison ends there, because, the newspaper ones are usually quite interesting, even if you don’t agree with them. Yours tried to persuade us to agree with the narrator’s view, but it went on too long, it was full of clichés and gave no reason to read on.

I did read on though, and in the middle section I’m served up something that looks like a story. I’m told about Antonio, but I’m not made to have any feelings about him. It’s his situation that’s important, because it’s going to illustrate the point in the first section.

The third section again reads like an article and shows what happened to the Noodle bar after someone else takes it over. It tries to validate the argument in the first section.


Salvage suggestions:

Have Antonio feature from the beginning. Show his story; let the reader witness what he’s trying to do. Show us how he flies in the face of convention or bucks the new trend of gimmickry. Show us why he fails and how ironically at the end, his death is someone else’s gimmick. Don’t tell us about society’s desires; let us recognise them from Antonio’s struggle and ultimate failure.

If you're worried about characterisation, just give him some interesting things in the plot to deal with. How he dealts with them will tell us all about him.

RK

Bad chicken tikka massala should always be investigated...

Yep. As suspected. I need to cut out the 'non-fiction' at the start for certain. But Antonio will not be flying in the face of convention or bucking any trends - he's not that type of person. He's just normal - which is why he fails.

Could you (and I'm really not having a dig here) point me in the direction of a story in the site that you thought was well-written and that you actively enjoyed ie was to your own taste? Easier to understand a review if you have an inkling of where the reviewer stands.

Cheers

Look in the Editor's Pick for last week. There are a couple in there I enjoyed.

RK

Cheers. Will hunt them out soon.
Sorry for the delayed response - been busy!