h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi kk, I'm polishing your story - The Mice Killer - for the Underguide.

You'll find it here: A3258975

I've only made small changes, commas and the odd word. The bits in red are things I think need changing but I would like your opinion on before I do.

The first red bit reads:

'I could see grandma was growing weak for some reason and was hardly able to perform her duties at this house and I could hear the landlady grumble and threaten grandma that she would find someone younger to work for her because I was too arrogant because I was in school and didn’t know that I too would end up working for someone else.'

This runs on a bit. I would like to cut 'for some reason' and change 'this house' to 'the house'. We could either put a full stop there(at this/the house), or leave it as one sentence up to 'to work for her'. The other problem is that the sentiment is confused at the end. Do you mean that you could not take over from your grandmother because you were arrogant and in school? If you could clarify that for me than we could set about fixing up the phrasing so that it is clearer.

The next bit in read reads: 'I used to think it must be a cakewalk': I'm not familiar with cakewalk, though I understand the sentiment. Piece of cake is the closest match that I'm familiar with. I don't suppose it need changing, I'm just curious because I haven't come across the word before.

And the last bit: 'She said all that in one sentence.' Now, the problem here is that it isn't all one sentence. Changing it to 'she said all that in one go' would fix it.

Let me know if you have a preferance about those changes. I enjoyed reading it.


N

Hiya N!

Thanks for the review of the story!

Go ahead with the changes you have suggested.

By "arrogant" I mean vain perhaps or someone who thinks too highly of themself;the background I come from, it wasn't a usual thing for a poor girl to get the education I was getting ..the landlady thought I wouldn't do the household chores in place of grandma because I was too proud being in school.

Cakewalk, means an easy act..just like when you get a piece of cake and say happy birthday and walk away..no effort nothing..

Other than that change what you want to change..English is not my primary language..you know it better than I do.

Peace,
kk

Hi kk,

Changes made, the only big one is that I took that problem sentence out and replaced it. I tried to keep to sentiment and style. It now reads:

I could see grandma was growing weak and was hardly able to perform her duties at house. I could hear the landlady grumble and threaten grandma that she would find someone younger to work for her. She would not let me take over for Grandma's, she thought I would not work well and that being in school would have made me too arrogant and proud to work for someone else.

Is that ok? If you would rather you can rewrite the sentence, let me know what you want it to say and I will put it in.

Right, now I'm off to leave nitpicks on 'An Ordinary Story'. Keep writing sweety, you're on to something.

N

Front page today. Well done kk.


N