h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do you read the 'Short Fiction' section as well as the poetry section?

Marcel Wilde.

No, Marcel, hardly ever, and I know there's so much good stuff going down. Why do you ask?
Also Marcel, I just went through your whole portfolio searching for something I thought you wrote quite some months back; I thought it were something like "My Beauty" or "Beauty And the Beast" or something; it inspired me to write something (probably bad as I think I pulled it called Ma Bete). Am I mixing you up with someone else? If so, sorry.
Andmymare

The reason I ask is that I have a short story in there that I've submitted to the Daphne Du Maurier short story competition that I think has a chance of winning. I've had some very good feedback on it so far, and I was wondering if you'd give your opinion on it? It's called 'A Fine Catch.' You'll find it in my portfolio if you have the time to read it. I would be grateful as I find your crits very 'on the button.' But don't worry if fiction is not your scene.

I know you must be busy weaving your complicated, poetic webs.

Marcel Wilde.

Hey, I cannot give you anything but how it hits me; as I don't know how to write short stories. But I will be happy to read it!
(yum yum). I'll be leaving work in a few minutes, so will be a while before I can get back on.
Andmymare

Alright kid, scalpel......
(this critique is worth about as much as a pinch of snuff, Marcel, but here goes)

some little bits I think you don't need as you can get rid of them and still set the scene...."he had lit only moments before"
(I don't care when he lit it, how does the room feel, how does he feel physically as he contemplates the next phase of his life? I mean you've got to suck people right into that room and give them a reason to listen to Rowan thinkin to himself. )

Marcel I have to go to lunch now. I'll have to do this in episodes. Are you sure you want me to do this?
Cool.
Andmymare

Thanks for the initial incision. Yes, I do want you to continue if you can spare the time. I want it ripped apart and thrown back in my face with 'must try harder' scribbled on it in red ink. Compliments don't teach us anything - well, not much anyway.

Marcel Wilde.

de lurk , my observations , far to many he and shes, when you could be well in place just take them out all together or as with emily the dragon , or some other name denoting feeling of paragraph, or even,
e:g he remembered ,just remembering, will do , could do as andmimare said more scene setting, and explanations he laughed how/why the opening paragraph is or seems to me just a collection of facts yes they will be usefull later on but they need something to make them stick in the mind.

e:gThe loveless marriage that theirs had been had ceased to be a topic of conversation many years ago, along with all the other loveless marriages that went through the motions day after day in this remote, forgotten sea-spitting village.
becomes

The loveless marriage that was theirs , ceased to be a topic of conversation many years ago, more interest in the unfaithfull ones gossips still,going through the motions day after day in this remote, forgotten sea-spitting village. listen in to any conversation by those fishwives on the quayside ,fish were not the only thing gutted daily.

hopefully the reader is laughing or thinking yes, the next para ,you have used of course twice in same context {plus several times later on} why not get rid of one or change they always did then may be add example,like fred cousin or the change of postman, buld up the scene for the sort of village it is ,take oppertunity for intrducing charicter or motive for secrecy dont fotget to used past tense for emily after killing her ie she had enjoyed fishing ,now she could enjoy it more close up as bait.

helen needs more of descriptive buld up later , ok spitting image of sister ,but mannerisms sat like a ? asked Helen, probing. like ? seems so flat , like the whole conversation more like convo with teenager not as it would be tense ,eyes flashing back and forward, inuendos and all that, hes killed her sister she suspects him ,his mistress has just turned up the air would be electrfied that does come acrosss at all, well that my take

Okay, little things like "The loveless marriage that theirs had been had ceased to be a topic of conversation many years ago, along with all the other loveless marriages that went through the motions day after day in this remote, forgotten sea-spitting village."
Somehow this messes with the passive voice and then flips into the active voice so the marriages are going through motions.
How about "The loveless marriage that was theirs had ceased long ago to be a topic of conversation amongst the gossiping fishwives who daily gutted the lifeless, the faithless lives down by the quay." (Eww, well, I can't write this, but I'm just saying have a go at that sentence again.) I liked the remote sea-spitting village part though.

"gave up the ghost" = cliche.

Sentences like "It was not her fault, but he hated her for it anyway, as if it were her fault." If you're sort of doing Rowland's inner thoughts, I wouldn't saddle these passages with qualifiers and explainers. Leave that for the trial scene, for lawyers.
"It was not her fault, but he hated her for it."

"furnish her life with other things"....oh, walk around and talk to yourself, maybe. If you were explaining how your mate's affections had cooled and you took up hobbies, why, as you paced back and forth explaining to a friend, why did you take up hobbies? "To furnish yourself with other things?" I'll bet not. Gayety, distraction, desperation, interest even (what a dull word) but not just "other things".

"This annoyed Rowland immensely, for he loved to fish. Now that Emily had taken up the sport it became less appealing, it was spoiled, tainted.

Okay, onto broader issues. Unintentional funniness. And unevenness of tone.
Ah, be back.

This is all good stuff that I needed to hear. I'm very grateful to you for doing this.

Marcel Wilde.

[Personal details removed by Moderator]
no strings

What have you posted to get 'removed' by the moderator?

Marcel Wilde.

Dear logicus,

I don't know how you popped up in this conversation but I'm grateful to you for your comments. Looks like I've got a lot of work to do...

Thanks again.

Marcel Wilde.

Oh, I had posted my e-mail addie because I wanted a quicker question and answer with you. But then having it out gave me the willies so I asked them to remove it.
Are you on Writers Dock that I may Private Message you?
Andmymare

What, you think I'm a serial killer-poet or fruitcake that hunts down posters? I'm far too ordinary for that...

I'm signed up with Writers Dock but haven't posted there yet. I'm sticking with GW until they pull the plug. If you want to send me an e-mail you can at [email protected]

Otherwise, if you can private message me on Writers Dock, please do.

Folds his dirty raincoat and takes another swig of metholated spirits...

Marcel Wilde.

"Folds his dirty raincoat and takes another swig of metholated spirits..."

ah now that's the Marcel we've come to know and love lol

Marcel,
two things, while I'm running by
I want you should read Rappaccini's Daughter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne; totally atmospheric, totally over the top. Two of your qualities; I wanted you to have this.
Another is a book I got, called "Ordinary Horro".
I had an advanced copy. someone who must be an editor, sold out a lot of books, and I rummaged this one. It's by David Stearcy. Excellent slow moving seemingly mundane third person story telling; "He sees" all through the novel. Tis small, but I think highly effective.
Ah,
just thinking of you meant to tell this days ago.
Especially go for Rappaccini's daughter, is probably more accessible than other.
Lynda

Thanks for your suggestions.

I started reading Rappaccini today and found it very hard going. It's very dense stuff and in an English that doesn't really flow for a modern reader, isn't it? But I will persist to the end and see how I get on with the whole story.

Thanks again.

that was supposed to be "Ordinary Horror".
blap.
Oh don't labor over it; I love Hawthorne, you can see what bag I have to climb out of; the more qualifying participles the better. Shoot, I was born too late. Lemme see if I can come up with summat more modern than I love that I'd like you to see. Are you over to Writers Dock at all yet?

I'm signed up with the site but I haven't been active yet. Haven't posted or reviewed on the site. Have you? If so, what do you think of the site? Is it buzzing?

Marcel.