h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here's where to post links to your entries for "Judge A Writer By Offering No Explanation."

A recap of the Rules:

1. 277 words, including title.
2. Any theme is acceptable so long as it includes one of the following:
a An office romance.
b A bonkers lass who murders her ungrateful/philandering/inattentive fella.
c A mysterious ape.
d Childish dialogue, first grade spelling errors and cliched metaphor.
e A twist in the tale which reveals the whole plot to be a mere childs game.
f None of the above.
3. The title must have between 3 and 7 words of no more than two syllables each, unless three or more words have one syllable, in which case a three syllable word is permissable
4. Deadline: 11/09/04
5. The judges decision is final, unless someone comes up with a good reason/bribe why it shouldn't be.
6. Post a link to the piece in my message box and cross your fingers/legs/cheques (whichever brings you the most luck)
7. I'm actally serious about this if anyone fancies a go.

First prize: One Weaver crit of a piece of your choosing.
Second prize: 2 x the above
Third prize: I'm not actually expecting this many entries, so...

JAWBONE rocks!

There you go Weaver, A2977798, a small, understated masterpiece that completely ignores rule 2f and encompasses all the others.

paw465

There is no way I am posting this in my 'works' in case someone sees it and thinks it is my best effort. However I am proud of it in a sort of perverse way, so here goes:
***************************
After the party

After the office party is always a good time to photocopy your breasts Jean thought as she leant over the copier in the corner of the office nearest the tea room because that was the one nearest Jamies’ desk who she fancied like mad and he was pissed too. When the print came out Jamie said that looks like a monkey and he was right because she had forgotten about the chest wig that she had borrowed all curly and matted and making hairey simian faces on the duplication machine. Jamie kindly took the chest wig off her and put it over his own rather scrawny pecs beating them and shouting ar ar argh ar just like tarzan me tarzan you jean he laughed.
Yeah very funny replied Jean and she slapped his bum but she dident realise he was by the window and he fell out crashing to his death twenty stories below as she looked out of the window she thought it was ironic that he looked like a monkey too on the tarmac.
When Jean woke up and told her mum about her dream her mum dident believe her because blokes don’t just fall out windows when you slap there bums you have to give them a push and she should know becoz she’d had to push jeans dad really hard when he fell out the window.
The really strange thing was when jean went to bed that night she found a chest wig under her pillow so was it a dream or was it real, spooky jean thought and she could of sworn the chest wig gave an apeish wink.

Pretty good too - not going to verify the word count though.

I

O U 1 story

wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt wOOt

Hmm. Sorry.

I think the word count is right.

Not even close to the standards I was expecting - another shortlister, then!

You swine Weaver. You know I can;t resist this sort of challenge. Well you can work it out, the only thing I'm saying is it is 277 words long including the title.

The Potty Challenge

A2978139

Go JAWBONE go!

Had to go for it:

A2978788 (exactly 277 words)

Oops forgot the speling mistaks

Here's mine, but like fidjit, I can't bring myself to put it on my pf, so this'll have to do.

277 word inc title:

Eat my bone

I like my bone. It’s long and smooth and has got pink tasty stuff down the middle, although I can’t reach all of it and the bit I can’t reach has gone all brown and smelly.

Bottoms smell nice, although I do prefer ladies front bottoms. They smell a bit like that nice stuff Dave gets from the shops. Hmm, I like to sniff Dave’s woman friend especially. She won’t let me though. She pushes me away and looks all cross. Dave lets me sniff his front bits though. They smell funny though – not like mine at all. Mine taste nice. Like salty almonds. Haven’t tasted Dave’s though. He won’t let me.

I feel kinda funny when Dave’s mum brings Beauty round. I feel kinda tingly in the front bit area. Her bottom smells the best though. It makes me all funny, and I want to rub extra hard against her. She lets me smell her bottom too. She’s nice to me. I want to lick her too. I want to lick her nose. She lets me smell her bottom but she won’t let me lick her nose or boobies. Sometimes she smells extra good. Sometimes she shows me her bottom and asks me to rub against her quite hard. But Dave’s mum pulls her away and I have to go and rub Dave’s mum’s leg instead. It’s fun because the harder she pushes me away the tighter I hold on. It’s great, cos I can see Beauty while I’m rubbing and it makes me feel really nice. Dave laughs but his mum shouts and kicks. Beauty likes sniffing me after. I love her.

FIN

I don't know why you wouldn't want this in your pf, it's one of your best!

I might enter it into Kent this month with just the top line inserted.

The thought had crossed my mind already. My plan this month is to either not enter at all, or submit at least four entries, based on rules 2a to 2d of JAWBONE

Here is my effort (or evidence of a lacking in that department). Note the swapping of Sarah's name and the confusion between apes and chimps. I'm quite proud of it In a non-proud type way.

------------------------------------

The chronicles of the mysterious apey chimp

Sarah walked bak from the shopps and desidid to cross the park four a short cut. It was dark accept four the moon witch was brite like a big lite in the sky.
Then all ova sudden a masked man leeped from behind a tree and brandy-brande-brandished a nife.
"Yo please be giving me your perse or else!" the masked man demarndid.
Sara was scarred and shocked so she tried to run but the masked man cort her.
"Be giving me your perse or ill shot you with me nife" he screemed.
Sarah froze and didn’t know wot to do that was untill a voice came from the trees.
"Youll be unhanding that wombun now my good chum" said the voice.
The masked man looked around but cud not C the purseon talking.
"Yo this b**h is mine get yur own"
But the voice did not get it's own.
"Do U want to make me mad? Madness is the brother of violence and the sister of molestation" the voice sed.
The masked man looked at Sara and told her to give him the pers rite away but this made the voice mad.
"You asked four this my good chum now Ull feel the brunt of… CHIMP POWER-WER-WER!"
The masked man run way. Sarah and chimp did it and made babees.

Finished.

Weaver, great little challenge. Loved doing it. Got a piece of writing I would never have dreamed of writing if you hadn't set it. Thank you.

***

None of the Above.

'Can you perhaps tell me what you want to be?'

'None of the above.'

'Okay.' Sandra closed Form H and placed her pen firmly in the centre of its front page. Its blank front page. She looked up at the client. She squeezed her chin in and pushed out the edges of her lips into a straight smile.

The client copied her straight smile. He had straight hair. He had a straight-looking suit.

'Shall we start again, Sir?'

The man's lips puckered up. He blinked once, slowly. He looked like a cartoon frog, thought Sandra. But then, as if switched on, he perked up. Now he was a wide-mouthed frog. His eyebrows sprang up, his eyes lit up, and up went the edges of his mouth into a crescent smile.

Sandra voiced a now-we-understand-each-other comfort laugh. Ha.

'Yes. Good. Right then. Surname?'

'None of the above.'

'No problem, Sir. First name can get us going.'

'I don't want to go. None of the above.'

'As I said before, Sir, there isn't a box for that.'

'I don't want a box. Don't you see?'

'But it'll help us to place you. Move you on.'

'I don’t want to move on. I want to stay where I am.'

'With respect, Sir, if you don't want to move on, why have you come in here? To see us?'

The man leaned back into his chair. He pulled his chin backward, cocked it to his left, elevating the right side of his face.

'I want it on record. I just want to stay put. None of the above. None of the below. No boxes.'

Form H beckoned.

Dave

Great submission - I'm glad I set this comp. It won't be the last...

Enig

I should disqualify you for the title (again) but I won't. After all, rules are made to be brokken!

Weaver,

You could just disqualify all of us and save the deliberation time.

I'm starting to think the prize should go to someone who didn't enter at all.

GREAT! Now you're starting to think like a true writing comp judge! Hurrah!