h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You're good, but there's more there. As anyone who trods these boards might tell you, I'm MOST critical of poets using rhyming verse.
It's tired, its easy, its often abused, pretenders bandying rhymes about without reason or sense.
I hate that sh!t.
HOWEVER, I cannot be entirely critical of you. You seem to carry an actual message, install vivid imagery, and communicate emotions in good pace and time...
despite the rhyme (see!? crap like that...terrible).
WHat I say to YOU then, is experiment.
Break out of stanzas, don't worry about making the rhyme work. You have an entire LANGUAGE (maybe even two or three) to create from. Every word is a stroke of paint, an ordered grammatical masterpiece, more real than any landscape or abstract.
These are the possibilities, because there are no possibilities when imagination and scribe entwine.
Go outside your comfy house of prose, and write across the sky, or the bottom of a pint glass, or around the ends of a well-rolled spliff.
But write somewhere else than a rhyme
...
this instance.

Cheers,
Johnathon

Thanks for your inspirational comments, Johnathon. I'm beginning to see that rhyming, while I think there's still a place for it, is much harder to do well for the reasons you outlined, and when it goes wrong it goes spectacularly wrong!

Yang