h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My son! My son!

You are constantly show me up: exposing your lack of schooling with your spelling mistakes. You should be attending English lessons, not shrink lessons. All that filthy lucre that your father and I *found* just to send you children to the best school to suit your *special* requirements. Money wasted

Your brother Piotr never shows me up like this. He is a good boy. He vrites (correctly) to his luffing mother every Tuesday. He answers his phone. He tells me where he is.

He'll be at my birthday, despite several *inconveniences* that he had to re-arrange.

He has heard his father's vill. He has his inheritance. But you! You don't know what is coming to you... You ungrateful, unluffing child.

You tell this psychiatrist that there are things more important in life than laws.

And the most important thing in life is RESPECTING YOUR MOTHER

Your luffing mother

LdL

But, Mamah! You can ask for yourself, at her office.

My appointment is with Dr. Anthea, and it is on the 29th of this month! She is a cruel and heartless disciplinarian, Mamah. I do not expect to get sympathy from her. She has even destroyed my favorite robot!

Don't mention Piotr to me in such glowing terms, Mamah. He is the reason I can still no longer raise my left elbow above my shoulder. And, it is his secretary that writes you every Tuesday. She uses a stamp to sign the letters! (I suspect that it is his parrot, Siegfreid, that answers his phone.)

He has been a pain in my side since we were separated at 9 years old. You know he took more than his share of spleen!

I vill do vhat I cansk to get out of my appointmentsk, Mamah; but it could mean jails time for me.

I'll be there if a can'st avoid .... the appointment.

My son! My son!

Alvays you criticise your brother. Alvays you try to undermine him. He is such a good boy. He luffs his mother. You cannot convince me anything less. You are jealous, that is the reason for your anger.

And as for your spleen: the lesss said about that the better.

I vill be speaking to this 'doctor' of yours. But, I haf to say, Avil, it is your responsibility to show respect to your mother. You should not haf to hide behind the skirts of a 'doctor'. To efen consider missing your luffing mother's birthday, now that you are in touch vith me is unbeliefable

You haf a long vay to go my son.

Your luffing mother
LdL