h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello Son:

I haf tracked you down ... vhere haf you been???

No phone messages answered.

No letters replied to.

10 birthdays have been and gone with not a verd from you

Your father died and you need to hear his vill.

My closets are full.

My heart is empty vithout my son

Get off your lazy backside and vrite to me...


Your loving mother

LadydeLiva

Hello, Mother.

You always were among the best at tracking.

It's not my fault. The dog at my phone ...
...and stamps.

I've been very busy.

I came by on your birthday eight years ago, but you were out.
Didn't you find the note I stuck to the door with the dagger you gave me on my 10th birthday?

Wait, I left that one stuck in Uncle Heinrich.

I can't come this month; but, I'll be by on your next birthday, promise. It's in 2008, right? Your birthday is still February 29th?

Uh, Dad's vill was always noisy.

Oh, his last vill and testementchk?
I told him that I didn't want his collection of stuffed wolfbats.
They smell bad, like elderberries.

I'll write soon. Sorry I missed catching you in.
[mental note: change hootoo address] -*-oops!-*-

I'll give you the new address soon, mamah.

My son! my son!

You vrite at last to your luffing mother, who vaits for your call every day of her life. As time passes and life shortens, I am bereft vithout you. How could you haf abandoned me all those years ago?

And then your father upped and died and left me alone

You haf a duty to me, your luffing mother, to take care of me, to make sure my every whim is satisfied. Come home son! Come home...

If you don't, you'll never know what your father's vill (last vill of course) holds in store for you.

And you're missing my birthday? Vhy oh vhy oh vhy?? You are torturing me: you send me a message for the first time in years, just to say that you can't visit your luffing mother on vhat may be her last birthday on this earth

Cruel, ungrateful child.

Your luffing mother
LdL

Honest Mamah, I'd come by if I could, It's just a problem with the law.

The last time I got caught toppling a foreign government, they sentenced my to 3 years of psychological examinations. It took 18 months to get this one, and it happens to be on Sunday, February 29th!

I know it's your birthday, but what is a loyal and patriotic son to do?! You know that Father wouldn't want me breaking such an insignificant law. He always said, 'If your going to break the law, don't waste your time breaking such an insignificant law'.

Yes, I realise that the last 10 birthdays I missed covered 40 years, but traffic has gotten so bad since they relaxed the trade laws, and the cheap foreign cars flooded the market. I can hardly pull out of my drive!

[I swear; if I find out who tipped her off about my location ...] um ... I'll thank them till the day I die, mammah!

If it weren't for this cruel and heartless monster of a psychiatrist ...!

Your luffing son,

My son! My son!

You are constantly show me up: exposing your lack of schooling with your spelling mistakes. You should be attending English lessons, not shrink lessons. All that filthy lucre that your father and I *found* just to send you children to the best school to suit your *special* requirements. Money wasted

Your brother Piotr never shows me up like this. He is a good boy. He vrites (correctly) to his luffing mother every Tuesday. He answers his phone. He tells me where he is.

He'll be at my birthday, despite several *inconveniences* that he had to re-arrange.

He has heard his father's vill. He has his inheritance. But you! You don't know what is coming to you... You ungrateful, unluffing child.

You tell this psychiatrist that there are things more important in life than laws.

And the most important thing in life is RESPECTING YOUR MOTHER

Your luffing mother

LdL