h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hi vixen,

I would very sincerely like to clear up any imagined or real problems you feel you have regarding me. I am sometimes told by others that on various threads you keep referring to 'this other researcher' who has been nasty towards you or that you have had problems with.

I apologise if you ever thought I was ever nasty towards you - this had never been my intention.

From my point of view you showed up on my personal page saying some rather strange things about me and my first reaction was to just maintain my distance. I personally don't do well at all with people making assumptions about me and then treating me as though I am that.

Recently I was told about a thread where you made a reference to 'a researcher' (obviously me) referring to you as a 'pain'. It was actually someone else who first referred to you in that way. But I will say that when you showed up on the 'cure for homosexuals?' thread asking my *permission* for you to post there - that *was* quite strange. And later you called me the 'instigator' of the thread. Instigator? It made me wonder why you were referring to me in such a manner.

Vixen, I have told you before that I have no problem with you whatsoever. I really don't. I am sorry if you feel I somehow don't want to be on the same threads as you, but this perception honestly does not come from me.

We started off here as friends, but then you got all strange on the God thread telling me I had been 'talking down to you' - which honestly I hadn't done at all. And I have got to the point here on h2g2 that I will not 'defend' myself over things I actually have not said or done. Which is perhaps why I was so abrupt with you later when you tried to talk to me on my personal space.

Also, bear in mind that I also have my own personal stuff to deal with. I am far from perfect and sometimes say things here that I later regret - though not often, it must be said.

So, I do wish you would stop thinking of me as someone who either doesn't like you or someone who doesn't want you participating on the same threads as me. Really, that does put pressure on me - I feel I am being accused of being intolerant about you when I am really not at all.

When you single me out on threads to ask permission or whatever, it really does make me feel strange and uncomfortable. In fact, it actually makes me feel quite bad. Because I don't understand why you would want to try and present me in this manner.

Yes, we've had a few misunderstandings in the past, but I don't see this as anything terribly serious. I think I did tell you once that we should just get on with things, that I had no personal problem with you at all.

Being the very straightforward person I am, I would not tell you this if it wasn't true for me. To repeat what I have said to you before - I do not have any personal problem with you. Okay? So, let's please just carry on.

See you around.

az

Hello Azahar.

I don't know what postings you have read, but I happened to bump into a conversation with you and Mr Rev something or other....discussing me, I was lurking on his profile getting to know the guy because he invited me to speak on the erm 'forgot what it was called' thread, the one that I called you an 'instigator' (will get to that inna mo) and discovered to my dismay that I was known to be a pain, and that someone made a judgement on what someone else said about me. I have also seen postings where you have begged other people to please don't encourage me, and hopefully I'll just go away.

Yes, yes I know, those that eavesdrop never hear good, in this case, read good of themselves.

As for the instigator, well I forget how I came to that thread, but I entered it, read everything even enjoyed the debating between yourself and Creachy and enjoyed reading others input and I just wanted to say something.

Very aware that anything I might say would put you on the defensive, I tried to enter very politely by first saying that I had read everything, and I mean all of it...and that I enjoyed the debating and because you were the instigator I wanted to make sure that it was okay for me to come in. I wasn't asking for permission as such, just to be invited...I didn't think that was the same thing? I left because you took offense at the word instigator and thought I was being bizarre.

I felt pretty stupid.

As for bizarre, as one who has actually been locked away by men and women (lets not be sexist here...) in white coats for several months that didn't bother me too much - I know I'm weirdly different. I too have issues about stuff and try to be striaghtforward as I can be about them.

By instigator I wasn't meaning to be ..umm...detremental..umm...hurtful..or implying that you are a trouble causer, I was using a word other than creator, in that you started the thread for a debate, you initiated action about something you had read...and was inviting others to join in.

You also seemed to think I was trying to make you look silly, I read that at the above mentioned Rev's personal space too, and I might say - just like you have said about myself in posts to my friends, that this is an imagined problem on your part, because I wasn't intending to do anything of the kind.

I was hurt by that thread for a while, but I got over it.

Because of the way I was on the god thread when I had a bout of newbie paranoia, I can understand why you are getting mixed messages about what I am posting. Perhaps you are trying to read inbetween the lines too much?

I think, and this is not meant to be offensive in any way that you sometimes are quick to presume, and mebbe you shoulda asked me what I meant before coming to a conclusion. I am not overly bright sometimes and know I have lots of shortcomings and some words that I choose to use might not sound right to others.

This took two hours-ish to reply to your above posting, much back spacing and careful word choosing and lots of cutting here and there where I waffled to much...*sigh*

Vix

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I really think that whatever past understandings that have happened will not benefit from going over them - over and over. I can say this, then you can say that, and really, it's all past stuff. I don't want to do that.

For example, I could explain - again - what happened with Rev, but I don't think it is necessary. He misunderstood your intent, I misunderstood you, then you misunderstood me and then us. You see? It could go in circles forever.

I'm quick to presume, you say? Thing is, you have to understand that you are not the only f**ked up weirdo around here.

I mean to say that you tell me you behave in certain ways at times because of various personal problems you have. Yet you seem to think I don't have any myself? (am I being presumptuous?) Why, for example, do you think I am so self-protective? Why have I built up a certain amount of armour? Why wouldn't I let you any closer to me before when you were being so strange? (and you *were* being strange!)

It's because I cannot cope with that, vixen. I can't have people around me who are friends one minute and saying hurtful things the next. I need consistency with people. And I stand back and keep my distance until I feel safe. Because what I am trying to protect is nothing strong at all. It has nothing to do with the person most people see me as. It is the part of me that was abused and unloved and it is something I have to live with all the time. I think you maybe know what I mean.

And because of that I would never knowlingly hurt another person. I am actually incapable of it, even though I sometimes use words as a defence.

Kaz and abbi know a bit about me and my past.

Noggin knows that sometimes even walking on eggshells around me is stepping too hard!

But this is who I am. I mean you no ill-will. But I don't want to discuss problems that are imagined or otherwise. So can I ask that we just let by-gones be by-gones and that you will leave me to be myself and not think it as being any reflection on you?

I'll see you around, I'm sure. And you don't need to show up on a thread I've started with a million smileys and loads of apologising for being there and asking for an invitation. Because you see, that makes me just want to scream - 'please go away and stop treating me like I'm some sort of scary monster'. If you want to be there, then just be there. Okay?

Must eat some food now. Take care.

az

I understand.