Journal Entries
Spiders
Posted Aug 29, 1999
So, what are spiders all about?
I know people bang on about "oh they get rid of flies....and stuff...and that...."
Fine....but do they really need that many legs, I mean, come on.
AND! why do they have to run that fast accross your carpet....they live in webs, sprinting is not a skill a web dweller would need surely. Wouldn't they allways be running off the edge and stuff.
Maybe they do and that's why they're going accross your carpet in the first place, just trying to find the stairs.
Now we are lucky in England, that we do not have any poison spiders. They are nasty horrible nightmarish creatures as it is, without them being able to kill you dead.
I think country's that support venomous arachnids should be removed from the planet and made to live on mars or somewhere. I can remember in the 80's there was a lot of big spiders coming in as illegal immigrants, on banana boats.....they were hiding in bananas suits or something (i forget the details). Well i couldn't eat another nana, i couldn't even go in a shop that sold them, for fear of nasty things jumping out at me and eating my face (or whatever they do).
And do you know, some people keep them as pets.....i ask you...pets...
"come on, little spider fellow...it's time for a walk...."
"who's a booty baby then? eh? beg for a sweetie....."
It's never going ot happen. If your pet can't entertain you by doing daft stuff then it's not worth the feed. These "pet" spiders, actually sit in a glass box until they die. Sometimes they move a leg, but that's it. It can't be very nice for them, never to have galloped over the plains of Africa.....or whatever....(I might be getting mixed up now). They only know a life of glazed captivity, I may hate every hair on their legs, but i hate to see a thing mistreated.
Except, of course, if it's running accross my living room carpet!
The nightmare starts when, out the corner of your eye, you see movement....your eyes swivel in their sockets, to a patch of near darkness under the telly. Did you see movement? Or was it just your twisted and sick imagination....no...there it is again.....it's either the Viet Cong or Mr Spider wants a jaunt around the room.
Your eyes are trying to pierce the darkness now....wishing you'd eaten more carrots as a child...and there....there it is....two legs protruding into the light...testing the air....goading you....he knows the game as well as you do...."come and get me" he's saying "but you're scared of me arn't you...."...egging you on....suddenly, he pulls out a flick knife...you see the flash of steel in the moonlight....(this is going a bit of track.....but hey sometimes litrature leads the writer not the other way round).
It's time to make your move....time to play the game, it's what you've trained for...this is it. Slowly...ever so slowly....on to your feet, quick scan for a suitable weapon....howitzer...too big....minigun....not enough accuracy....rolled up bit of newspaper....ahhh...the weapon of choice.
Paper in hand, it's time to stalk the prey....slow methodical steps....one at a time....don't spook it....a frightend and cornered spider can be very dangerous......you take on the appearance of David Attenborough, if David Attenborough took to creeping up on defensless animals and clubbing them to death with rolled up newspapers.
Nearly there now.....you can see right into it eyes....he's eyeing you up and you him....and it's time to strike.....theres no parly...no peace talks...this is a first strike...an all out attack...
The spider deftly parries your first futile blows....and rears up on it's hind legs....you see for the first time it's true horror....it's ghastly magnificence.....he takes a swipe at you...you jump up just in time as it's leg sweeps harmlessly under your foot....a quick counter strike while he's off balance....you wind him......a look of pain now in his eyes...a moment of realization....the truth dawns...he knows he's no match for you....he sees your opposable thumbs...the achievments mankind have made....and he knows it's over.
Bowing his head in submition...he walks slowly out....begging for clemency.....as you jump up and down on him repeatedly......squashing him into a nasty little stain on you carpet (which will hoover out)
Now, although the deceased was in fact about an inch big and you are about 6' you still feel pretty damn pleased. You afford yourself a little victory dance and, if there is nobody aroung, a little song as well. Something on the lines of "I killed you spider, I am the master, you might have more legs,but i was faster..."
That sort of thing......so, one less spider to worry about....but there sure is a lot of flies about now.
DOH!
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Latest reply: Aug 29, 1999
Life?
Posted Aug 24, 1999
Our lives are never simple are they, we seem to be born and already someone is giving us a smack......"we need to do it to make the baby cry" goes out the call of the midwife, rubbish! Midwives are the tools of the devil. How else do you explain what makes rational people want to look AT THAT all day. I mean, really......(huff)
Oh, and why is it the girl you love is ALLWAYS going out with someone else?.....Is it too hard just to love the one you're with....simple answer...YES....Because the girl you love would never fart in bed, try and strangle you in the night, lay on your throat and almost asphyxiate you, she would also, willingly, sleep with other women whilst you watched and occasionally let you join in, she would never mind you going out with your mates and coming home all drunk and luvvy, she especially wouldn't mind being woke up at 2:20 in the morning to be faced with a drunk oaf with aspirations of l'amour. In short the one you love is perfect.......until you actually start going out with her......then it's that girl you just saw on the bus......
Now, cars are bad. You don't need to be a genious to work that one out, but let's look at the reasons why.
1:They are bad.
2:They drive on the road
3:They have people driving in them.
4:They have YOUNG people driving in them.
5:They seem to be powered these days, not by the internal combustion engine, but by loud stereos.
6:It's never real stereo anyway, cos there's nearly allways about 90 speakers. Kind of sledmadraphonic sound.
7:There's never any actual music coming from them, just a bass drum.
8:Youths no longer pit their cars against each other, they pit their stereos....or sledmaphoes....They are judged, by the furthest distance the sound can make a normal human ear bleed.The record, set by Nigel Whithers (age 17)in 1998, stands at 50 paces. The stereo...or sledmadphoe...was seen to get a good bleed from both ears.
Nigel was heard as saying he was pleased with the result, but will be back next year with an extra bass tube, to push the envelope even further.
9:If everyone rode a motorbike the world would be a better place.
10:Because without cars on the road, we could ride really really fast...thus cutting journey times in half, saving millions of pounds in lost productivity.....but then, it would probably end up like Calcutta......no....thinking about it......cars are good.....long live the car.
Why is everyone being so down on Episode 1?
I keep hearing 30 year olds saying....it's bloody kids film......
WELL OF COURSE IT'S A KIDS FILM! You can't expect Star Wars to have grown up with you......you're now 30 not 7, what did you expect? A Merchant Ivory production? "Oh how my heart giddies at the thought of Anakin" -Queen Amidala.
I mean, get real, the whole point of Star Wars is to be a kid again. For 2 hours or so, you can be 7 again.....exept this time you've probably been to the bar first, so you are a mildly inebriated 7 year old, with no-one to tell you off. It's bliss. Also, you've probably got a girlfriend now(though not one you'll love -see above), who will let you do stuff without having to give her your sweets first. So you don't have to go home and look at the knicker pages in the catalogue. (not that i ever did.....someone told me about it)
Who is general fault? And why is he reading my hard drive?
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Latest reply: Aug 24, 1999
Dani Cook
Researcher U54567
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