h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The swimminglyness of life is doubtlessly influenced by these fantastic devices called electric monks, of wich you have aquired a wonderful specimen, belonging in the very high end of the scale. But another important key to happiness lies in the communication with these devices. This knowledge has come to me in my recent attempts to become an organic monk. On the path to the organic monkness, I have run onto several thorns, though, most problems arising from the fact that I am tall, of Norwegian origin, and odd looking.

Listen, er, TOI, I appreciate your offhanded and unsolicited advice in the proper ways to deal with my Electric Monk, but really, I am not sure I could give proper credit to a... gentleman who has any faith in these faulty beings as it is. Tall, Norwegian and Odd looking... You're not the chap from Oslo are you? Because I have told you to stay away from me...

Not that chap, I was nowhere near that check-in desk that day. I usually travel with a ticket, and I am not an owner of a fur coat. But if I run into a furry man as tall and odd-looking as myself, I will tell him to stay away. In every case I would certainly not take up the practice of paying for his airline tickets.

It was nice talking to you, though. I thing I should get back to cleaning my record player. I bought a used one on an Islington market, but some red-brownish material covers the top of it. The dealer said something odd about a head having been on it, but I assumed he was talking about the Talking Heads or something. Harr-harr...

I am starting to feel as though the most horrid events of my life have returned to haunt me. Really, er, um, excuse me a moment, there seems to be a knock at the door.

Really! I cannot take this, excuse me, but there is someone here who insists that commandeering my computer is of utmost importance to the whole vast continued interconnectednes of things. I am going to bed.

Hello, chap, pardon the invasion, I just wondered if you know of a good refrigerator cleaner?

Well, In fact I do. There is an agency called Holistic Hygiene, based somewhere in Enid, Oklahoma. They have hired the most competent people available on the professional area of refrigerator cleaning, and they have never turned down a job. Needless to say, they believe in the interconnectedness of things, but come to think of it, you may already be fed up with interconnectedness. Think of it this way: After their visit, you may find that opening the refrigerator gives you a hint of that swimminglyness you seem to be seeking.

Well, In fact I do. There is an agency called Holistic Hygiene, based somewhere in Enid, Oklahoma. They have hired the most competent people available on the professional area of refrigerator cleaning, and they have never turned down a job. Needless to say, they believe in the interconnectedness of things, but come to think of it, you may already be fed up with interconnectedness. Think of it this way: After their visit, you may find that opening the refrigerator gives you a hint of that swimminglyness you seem to be seeking.

Eh, chap, I think you must be mistaken, swimminglyness has no place in the life of a holistic detective. Dearest Kate has trundled off to bed, I am merely here for a moment to look for a refrigerator cleaner. Holistic cleaners you say? That holds great interest for me, and these days it is only things of great interest to which I care to pay any attention. Are you in need of any services? Perhaps you have a missing cat? Please, though, I refuse to deal in any sort of services which may involve contracts with great horned monsters, for the last such case I had left me badly shaken and quite severely mauled...

Oh, hi, Dirk! Well, I do have a job for you. You'll find all the info you need in my homepage, on the latest journal entry. It is a subject in wich you have great competence, having encountered the problem earlier. Would you go and wrap the blanket more tightly around Kate for me? Thanks, chap. BTW, you are welcome to my humble abode at any time for some pizzas and beer to go along. One more thing: To take care of Kate's monk, will you?

Ah, Tom, old friend. I do seem to recall a debt on your behalf of pizza, I will gladly collect on that invoice shortly. Kate's monk friend here is quite an interesting specimen, very friendly, quite dear. Seems to be rather troubled in Kate's employ, I have tried to convince the thing to believe in a new client for me, and now I am toddling off to your home page to witness whether it has performed effectively.