h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is that a rhetorical question?

You realize, of course, that saying things like 'Dickey Moe' is highly contagious; and I'm probably going to end up saying it all night too. Thanks a lot. The ripple effect could reach frightening proportions. Do you remember the scene in 'Close Encounters...', when a croud of several thousand Indians is sitting in the desert chanting?

JTG

We just watched that on Friday night with the girls.

Somehow my youngest (3) knew it was about aliens as soon as it started. She started shouting 'ET, ET!' My wife said perhaps she recognized Spielberg's cinematic style - needless to say I gave her a withering look.

I live *inside* the asylum!

That's the best place to be... nothing but sparkle pictures, cookies, and early tuck-ins.

Instead of sparkle pictures, we've got sparkle, scented Play-Doh.

Homemade of course!

Art you can get your fingers into is much more satisfying than the kind that lies flat on the table, I'd say.

Speaking of play dough, I read your 'Fastnacht Day' last night. I can't wait to give them a try. What a wonderful thing is a spud!

Not far from us, there's a farmers market, where those blessed with a little money and a lot of patience can buy apple dumplings, made from apples freshly peeled by pretty Mennonite girls. The strange thing is that, no matter how many one happens to buy, there never seems to be enough to last for the trip home again. I suspect that fastnachts may prove to be equally mysterious.

Locking a bag in the trunk of the car always works.

My favourite farmer's market just closed down last month. Now, I've got to drive a dozen miles for fresh produce - until the wife's garden starts to bear vegetables.

That sad fate seems to be the lot of... well, a lot of farmers' markets. There is a demand for good, fresh produce, I think; but the poor farmers are being asked to put up too much front money to make it worth their while, in a lot of cases. It's a real shame, because there's so much more to buying at a real market than what you buy. Some of my most treasured memories, as a boy, are of trips to the market with my grandfather. Memories like that are priceless. They transcend mere economics - or at least they should. If politicians weren't so soulless, they would give farmers back an old-time market square in every municipality, free of charge.

JTG

You're more right than you know!

The state bought this particular tract and is putting up an office block on the site of my former farmer's market so more bureaucrats have a place to do whatever it is they do...

Gosh, that's depressing. The market was the soul of any community. Then they have the audacity to act surprised by the breakdown of the community when its heart is cut out.

That's government in action!

I'd but I see it far too often...

Brantford used to have a proper market square. It even had an old-time feed-and-seed on one corner. It was also surrounded by bars and a strip club... but that's neither here nor there. A few years ago, the geniuses who run our city gave the Eatons empire planning permission to build a glitzy new shopping mall on top of it. The result is that the downtown streets are now like gloomy canyons; and, a decade or so after the grand opening, most of the stores in the mall have gone, including the Eatons department store.

Legend has it that there is an ancient curse on the city centre, payback for stealing the land from the Mohawks. Driving through the city, it's not hard to believe it.

JTG

Oh, the strip club is still there.

It wouldn't be urban blight without one.

Really, though, there's nothing much wrong with downtown Brantford that a good fire wouldn't fix. There was a very suspicious rash of fires during the administration of one of our old mayors, which many people suspected were part of an unorthodox, but not necessarily unwelcome, policy of urban renewal.

That is *really* quite amusing to me. I don't know why, but the image of the mayor driving around town with a big gas can in his trunk really is giving me the giggles...

Wait, it gets even funnier. The same mayor later took up the cloth, and was a popular choice for performing wedding ceremonies.

Really?

In Pennsylvania all of our mayors automatically get the power to join people in marriage.

No foolin'.

I wouldn't swear to it but I don't think mayors have that authority here - could be wrong, of course. Judges and Justices of the Peace do... I hope, or me and Mrs -the-gardener will have been living in sin these 20 years.

I don't know whether his decision to take up the cloth had anything to do with supplementing his retirement income, or whether it was something more deeply rooted, perhaps fear of the fires down below.

Justices of the Peace?
Here we call them district justices or district magistrates - a change when we adopted a new constitution in 1968 or so.

But they also have the power to join people in marriage.

True Story:
A district justice where I used to be a newspaper reporter is named Manlove so for Valentine's Day I thought it would be a cute story to do a write-up on a couple joined together by a guy with love in his name.

So I went over to his court and a man and woman were there, but they were charged with passing bad checks. Halfway through their preliminary hearing, the boyfriend made a deal with prosecutors and gave evidence against his girlfriend.

She went to jail and he got a reduced penalty.

It was a classic Valentine's Day story - sadly, I couldn't use much of what she said in the paper since it was all curses.



Ah, young love!

What a sweet story. But at least Judge Manlove wasn't trying a sodomy case on Valentines.

I don't think Justices of the Peace sit in judgement of miscreants and ne'er-do-wells. As far as I know, they just issue licenses and put rubber stamps on things. I could be wrong though.

JTG