h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, I wished I would never have to cast my eyes upon that hellhole again, but yesterday the situation demnded that I put fear aside.

I went to IKEA. And again, no naked Swedish triplets in sight. None of the staff could tell me where the sauna was either.

Anyway, as much as I loathe all things even remotely connected to haberdashery, soft furnishings and the like, my recently acquired duties as a landlord demanded that I go and buy some cushions and curtains.

So, off I went, after some curtains that my mother told me about. She's pretty useful when it comes to civilising me, I have to say. Now, being the computer-literate Star Wars child that I am, flying the Dartford Tunnel like it was the launch tube of a battle-star came as naturally to me as eating pizza, but the practical aspects of buying curtains have never left their mark on my education. So there I was, on the mobile to my mother's mobile (out in the middle of the wilderness somewhere) in a shop that takes more pride than Tesco's in creating communications blackout areas.

The conversation went something like this:

"But Mum, they're twice as long as you said they were"

"Stand still, I can't hear you"

"I am standing still"

"I said, stand still, I can't hear you"


And so on, with various other mobile users grinning at me knowingly. If only the management of these shops would realise that we would visit more often if only it was possible to contact our interior designers, solicitor and any other useful consultants when required...

But I returned, mission accomplished, and all goods successfully purchased, including a bargain on a box of scented candles (I'm told they help create a romantic mood). And I finally made it into an M&S to spend the vouchers I got for my last Christmas bonus, but I'm too proud to admit buying anything other than food there. These shoes are dead comfy though.

Derby at home tomorrow - come on you Spurs!!

Erm, don't know why I hyphenated battlestar. That shouldn't have happened.