h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Emcrisp
Just a quick note to say that I had a look through the new version of one word who listens. It's much much better now. The little inconsistencies of the character are gone and even my limited attention span was enough to read it through without getting bored.


Will try and scrit it properly soon.
RB

Hi again. Here is a scrit for 'one word'. I've been scritting for the Crime story challenge so my critting style has got a bit harsher now. Please don't be offended and remember, this is only my opnion on this piece of work. everyone's opnion will differ. I am prepared to be told I'm totally wrong.

one word who listens (version 2)
First impression :I made the assumption that main character is going bonkers midway through. This has a lot of bearing on my comments.

Opening: nicely written. Good hook 8
Theme: obsession leads to madness? Not terribly clear 6
Setting: good - can picture it. 7.5
Character: Not much about the character. He's not a kid (he says so) but is he old (he doesnt' seem to have a job)? Middle aged (his parents are still alive)? Young (he starts his letter no preamble, seems a young person thing to do>
Is it even a he? Could well be a she...
What does he do when he's not sitting around listening to the phone?
Needs some work 5
Dialogue - see Character.
Pace - slow. Story progresses faster in this version than in the last though. 5.5
Language - for the most part good. A few bits need looking at. For eg
- if your brain is convinced, aren't you?
can be more concise without losing too much meaning or .
- (this gets rid of the problem of having twice in
simultaneous sentences.
try taking out

Images of screaming appear a lot. Quite good if you want the reader convinced the protagonist is a melodramatic nutter...if not, um, not so good.

Lot of references to the silence - surely silence doesn't sound. It can go on and on, but not sound over and over as though it is a definite, compact noise.
Likewise < silent cacophony of chaos>. On this though, by itself is nice.
You&#8217;ve got some lovely little phrases here and there . For eg
very nice. Easy to imagine
also good. Tells you the protagonist grew up in the country and he and his friend Primo came to the city to seek a bit of excitement. This is one of the few insights we get into the characters.
Incidentally, if primo is such a good friend, wouldn't the protagonist have called him at some point? Perhaps it's worth mentioning eg
5.5
Involvement- was okay to start with -man thinks he's been spied on ...is he? Isn't he? Etc. by the time I got to the long cold winter nights I thought the man was a nut case and lost most of my sympathy for him. 5
plot- tough one to gauge. It's quite introspective.I'm not sure I got the point. It did have a beginning a middle and an end. And there was some sort of closure at the end so 7
Ending, good. but I didn't really feel for him (see involvement). I think if you can make the guy more real t the reader, the ending would work well. 7

Overall 6.3

thanks so much for your commments, they didnt come across harshly, but then i have the wine barrier up tonight. they did all ring true:

firstly thanks for your honesty:

the points i agree with, i would change. The ones i dont i would (probably, and in the nicest of manners) suggest that your percpetion of what really 'happened' to the character wasnt what i intended to put across.

i wont go into my opinion in each point unless you want me to!

with all that said, i do like to make the reader work for his/her understanding (yes, i know i am not famous yet, but i often take the time to pretend)

anyway, all points are taken in, and again, thanks for your time. your new version is up? perhaps it was someone else. once i find it i will return the favour!

chau!