h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

 There is a mouse in my kitchen. More than one probably. This is quite disconcerting and I don't like the idea of them eating my food. This begs the bigger question, why is there a mouse in my kitchen? Or more to the point why me?

I'm off to set a trap, one of those traditional Tom and Jerry type things with the big wire loop and the spring.

I suffered badly from mice recently (see picture on my user page) - you really don't want to use one of those traps, unless you like cleaning splattered mouse brains off the walls. Modern poisons (chrysanthemum extract, mostly) don't just kill the mouse, but force it to dessicate and mummify in your skirting boards without any lingering smells... Unpleasant, but berrer than the alternatives (My mice were chewing the insulation off mains cables and creating a fire hazard thereby...)

Hi Menzarse

How did the heiroglyphic transliteration go then??

Wellies

I'm honoured, Mr. Wells has arrived. Well what do you think, why did you answer the bloody mouse entry though, its verging on the antique.

Hi Peet, sorry about the delay but I've been a bit pushed for time. Nice phasor (should that be an s or z I'm never sure). Well I solved the mouse problem by a totally humane method that I think all animal rights acivists will totally agree with. I moved house. Its now SEP.

Diary entry for January 10th, 1999:

"Worked until very late on my construction file. Went into the kitchen in the early hours of the morning (Monday morning) and discovered, horror of horrors, a slug, sliming it's way across the worktop. I froze. 'Slug!', I thought. The slug froze 'Human', it thought. We both stayed frozen for a bit (my flatmate turns the central heating off at night as it keeps him awake). Suddenly, the slug challenged me to a draw. It drew two beautifully detailes, .45 revolvers, complete with carved ivory handles and polished bullet holder bits. I drew a spoon, scooped the slug up and tossed it to it's destiny somewhere in the car park behind the flat. 'I'll be back', it shouted while sailing through the air before landing and setting up a small and largely unsuccessful cattle ranch."

Sorry for having to bore you with that lot, but I gather the principal of disposal is similar to a fashion. On the other hand, I'm an animal lover (and vegetarian) at heart, so I was bound to try and avoid killing it. Didn't stop me swearing at it when it came back, though.

My method of disposal of slugs is some what more permanent. Pick them up in a kitchen towl and then cover them in salt, then place in the bin. This results in a very dead slug and much cleaner work surfaces in the kitchen.

Yes, but my method does mean I don't have to go down to the local store to buy milk. You ever tried milking a dead slug?

That generates a very umpleasent image.

Precicely my point (excuse spelling, it's late). Far easier to just let it roam the wild frontier and keep you supplied with fresh semi-skimmed and methane. You never know, you might persuade it to run for Mayor.

Lets face it, with the slime around here they would never notice.

Feel the same way.

Being relatively new to this net of happy, smiley roving reporters, I'm also new to the concept of Virtual Mayor. Have come across The Merkin's site and another for someone called Shelley (nothing to do with Frankenstein, apparently) and found the manifestos *thinks for right word* interestingly slug free.

I try to steer clear of politics in all its shapes and forms, Life is some how cleaner that way.