h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is your extremely covert Hollywood corrospondent covertly speaking. The exclusive celebrity photos you requested (and an especially delicious calzone for dinner) totaled only $9.95, and are waiting in the "secret location". Be sure to use the "secret device" hidden under the "secret doormat" to access it. They are imperative in our Quest to Take Over the Wo- err... Walden Book Store Chain. Yeess, that's it.

Covertly,
Your elusive associate...



Wait a minute, are they gonna put up my screename when I post this? Oh damn.

Oh! It is you, Natasha! Have secured goot stuff from underneath secret doormat thingie. Am now in possession of reveling photos of Don Knotts and Milton Berle. Should prove most invaluable to our plan to take over... er... to MERGE with capitalist bookchain-store!

Yours in utmost secrecy,
Boris

Where are moose and squirrel?

Oh! It is you, Natasha! Have secured goot stuff from underneath
secret doormat thingie. Am now in possession of reveling photos
of Don Knotts and Milton Berle. Should prove most invaluable to
our plan to take over... er... to MERGE with capitalist
bookchain-store!

Yours in utmost secrecy,
Boris

Boris! That is not Milton Berle, it is Pamela Lee Anderson, AFTER reversal of plastic surgery! *svarkyz!* Boris cannot tell the difference... you have on your glasses, no?

*hear rustle, turns, realises large - brinned hat is masking vision, lifts, gasps* WHO IS THIS INFILTRATOR!! Did you not read the 'clandestine' sign? Wait... *looks harder* is you, Sporkulious? Well then, I suppose you can stay. Just do not inquire about those animalistic bastards, eh?

Now, Boris, I trust you know how to use these pictures CORRECTLY, eh? You must not foul up the plan to merg- err... nevermind.

*sits in a corner and listens, while putting finger to his ear every 5 minutes and frowning, followed by profuse mumbling into his jacket collar*

Natasha!

Don't be looking now, but I think capitalist spy has been hiding in bushes behind Sporky! That is what american capitalist movie-star look like after removal of surgery? *gashhhh* Am being glad women in our homeland only have natural faces! I hate to being comink home and find lovely face of Natasha has dropped to knees when face-lift falls off!

Picutures will be used as detailed in serket instrution codes... er, that is to say baby pics will be dropped off at wal-mart for developing before Boris gets home from work this evenink, honeies!

Am thinking Natasha should REALLY be lookink in bushes! And should remember special bubble-gum dispenser in left shoe-heel!

Lovey-dovey, kissy-kissy,
Boris

Natasha! I thinking we agreed never mention name in publik. Do you not recognize me? It is I, Dimitri! Am sittink at home when realized the serket instrution codes is tampered with. Unless we finding this capitalist spy am thinking we all be sittink in the chink together.

Am callink plane to make departure soon. Have secured varehuse and car for getaway. Make swift with apprehension of ugly pig; Am feelink like a real women... not sure if can wait 'til arrive at motherland.

Dimitri

Ack! Is not after all removal of surgury! Natasha need whore herself to get pictures like such! And Natasha not want Boris to go blind for see such thing!

Is goot thing at wal-mart, one - hour service and have deal with free CD with pishures, is very - oohh! You mean... the *wal-mart* with *baby-pictures*! *taps brim of hat, knowingly*

Did Boris says Capitalist Spy?? Is where? *quickly rotates, kinda like in those Samurai movies with sound effects an' all* Is you, Dimitri?! Who tamper with serket codes? I thought very easy not to find out.. password was 'passw '- Natasha means... 'eggplant'. Yeeesss. *gasp* DIMITRI! Who is capitalist spy behind jeuu? Not zat one, one with nice jacket! Oh, no...zyakvvsa! Has the bubble gum dispenser from my shoe....?!

Boris, I needs the help!

Zee hug ant kiss ant *is attacked with dispenser*

Well, Natasha! You are giving me 2 goot reasons I am not wanting to be seeing such pictures! Though better Boris should go blind than Natasha should whore herself to Capitalist movie-industry!

YES! Wal-Mart! BABY-PICS!

Aieee! Boris is on way, Natasha! And for every bit of bubble-gum we must steam from Natasha's lovely hair, Boris SWEARS a gucci slipper shall be filled with same gum!

Die Captialist Pig-Dogs!

da Baron

Yes! Pictures are this bad, Boris! Is reason Natasha no wear glasses despite acute blindness! (Well, zat ant cannot wear with big secretive hat).

*sigh*... Natasha hopes Boris to get home before das bubble gum dries ant Natasha need cut all hair off! OH! BABY PICTURES! At VAL-MART! *looks into English - Russian code translation dictionary* Uff! Is dangerous! Take careful, zlato!

*gnaws nails with worry about hair and top - secret val-mart operation*

-Natasha

*into collar, and with heavy just-outside-Dublin-esque-accent* "Oi be tinkin' dat dey don't be knowin' I'm here...Oi'll just continue t'listen in' on dem"

Natasha!

Baby-pics dropped off at Val-mart! Repeat, baby-pics at Val-mart.

Ees OK about de hair, Natasha! Have intercepted communication from capitalist spy. He don't know hee's bin DEEESCOVERT! Carefully geet eento wheeled-conveyance and run over moose-and-squirrel!

Boris weel be by to pick up roadkill for stew.


da Boris
eeenfeeltrator from "them"!

Vite knight to black bishop... uh... Boris...

Da Comrade,
Nochemy het.......Mou Moousecakria Sviinka cmam Medcectra

Or in yoor language vell done. I will be at the pink squirrel at five past the hour of 6 to collect the body...I mean the pictures.....
Be there and while yo are at it, KILL THE FROG SPY! (capitalist bastard pig dog)

Gecnopxa (Mrs) Moose out