h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yo!! Queazer old mate!! Hows it goin? you won't recognize my new name as I used to be Mykl once upon a time, I have had to change my identity to keep the mob off my tail as I squealed on them and they don't take kindly to that kind of thing. The FBI were no use as usual, preferring to take on supernatural and extraterrestrial cases so I came in here to hide.

Are you still peddling those appalling jokes you used to? If so. I would very much like to get involved in a groaners page if you're up for it.

Well f me, look what the cat dragged in! Hello mate! To misquote Gag Halfrunt, your illusions are getting less and less grand. First, it was the Vogons you were on the run from, now it's the mob. Next time it'll be something like your local librarian.
As you can see, I'm not around as frequently as before but I daresay I could dredge up the odd awful joke if pressed. I've yet to find anything to match the unspeakably appalling green and white knight but I'm ever hopeful...

well that one did take an industrial dredger to drag the depths of the truly awful. Unfortunately, as I can't access that page and have had to re-register, that joke is not currently available for human consumption. Actually I think the modulators are trying to save you all from a fate worse than a fate worse than death.
OK, I'll try and start a page, you contribute what and whenever you can.

Think this might fit the bill...

This tramp was walking along a country road one cold winter's morning, when
he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation
he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He
managed to pull her out, took off his coat and wrapped her in it and then
began looking for a car to flag down. The father drives up. "How can I ever
thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the
limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...er I'm a little strapped for cash,
perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have
ten quid - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten quid is more money than I've seen in my
whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten quid," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes into
town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and
goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like," asked the girl at the desk, forcing a
smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten quid," replied the tramp.
"TEN QUID!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten quid," says the girl
incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest
filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy
class round the world cruise - and it costs ten quid!"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it."
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most
beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going
liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms
down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got me ticket," responds the tramp, "Superduper, ultra-hyper,
mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well OK, says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't
want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's
dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot
among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry
up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway,
and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6"
pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for
cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep,
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through
the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until
finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the
captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock,
a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaims the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad ye like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing...
Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship at
night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm
clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by
day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon
shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have
a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive
before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board
tip, bounced, and dived.... ....and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old
tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the
captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next three weeks the tramp practises like he's never practised
before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives - you
name it, he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"OK, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next two days. We're going
to erect a high diving board for you."
"Fair enough," said the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as
he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the
crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up,
rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can
do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past the Moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...

he jumped...

slowly at first...

but speeding up...
:
:
:
faster, and faster
speeding past Pluto
and the other outer planets
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the Moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the Earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet...

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dived
in...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL..........

SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37-foot shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam
frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng
wild with acclaim.

HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the
crowd.

"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.

That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on: "But tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived
smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
I'm a poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"