h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Automobile

Posted Jul 4, 1999

au'to-mo-bile/, n.
A motor-driven vehicle, usually consisting of four
wheels, intended for transportation of passengers. Also referred to
as a "car", "truck", "wheels", "auto", "hot-rod", or "piece-of-shit".
Each of these different names is determined by different variables.
Region, the style of automobile, the performance of the automobile,
and the volume of traffic you are currently stuck in.
In many regions,(usually larger cities), it is used as a "Mood
Altering Device", or M.A.D. for short. The M.A.D. "effect" begins
working when another automobile, either:
A. follows to closely or,
B. gets in front of the first automobile without assured clear
distance.
This is otherwise known as "Cutting Off" another motorist. Unlike
other mood altering devices, i.e. drugs and alcohol, there are many
rituals that are quite involved with the M.A.D. motorist. Such things
as, raising the middle finger from the hand, and chanting words of
abuse at the other motorist. This is all apparently done, to show all
other motorists that the first motorist is currently under M.A.D.
influence, and is an invitation for them to join in on the ritual.
In many cultures, the automobile is looked upon as a type of
chalice. These people believe the nicer the car; the closer they are
to God. This of course is not true, because God has already said
many times, that he prefers chariots. And until Ford, Chrysler, or
General Motors starts making them, he wants nothing to do with
automobiles. Even so, these people drive their automobile slow in
the express lane, and cover it with sacramental cloth at night. Get
up the next morning to go to work, where on the way, swerve to try
and hit the vehicle that just "cut them off", all in the same auto.
These people do not want anyone else to see their automobile, unless
they are in it. On the flip side, there are some who prefer to decor
their front lawn with their automobile('s) because of pride. However,
some of these do not qualify as automobiles any longer, due to the
first fact that was stated. And that is the fact that automobiles are
"motor-driven". Being as many of these no longer have engines in
them, we must divert to calling them one of the other suggested names
like "car", "truck", or "piece-of-shit".

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