h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Should I get married again?

Ooh, controversial seeing as I'm not technically divorced yet.

The ex, whom some of you have had the pleasure of meeting, has filed the petition and I've got the forms to sign and send back, so it's underway.

But I was talking with the girlfriend this weekend and made a bit of an error. I'd always got the impression that she didn't want to get married, but it seems that it was a case of her not wanting to get married to her ex. She does however want to get married to me.

Now, I've just come out of a marriage, am still coming out of it. I was with the ex for just over tens years all told, so it's quite a long time. But I am so happy at the moment that I don't think I'd bat an eyelid before agreeing to get married straight away if she asked me to, which she hasn't done yet but I think she may.

I think I do want to get married again, but I'm not sure about the right away side of it.

The other thing that comes into the decision is that the girlfriend isn't enamoured to the idea of having kids. Which suited me fine as I never really wanted them either. Until recently. I'm that content and happy that I'd like to start a family with here.

So, if she asks, do I or don't I?

It's perfectly reasonable to wait until your divorce is finalized, as it's somewhat of a moot point until then anyway. However, this does mean that long delays on doing the paperwork may be viewed as stalling. I'd ask her to be patient, then offer a date by which you'd hope to have an answer for her. After what point is indecision its own answer?

The New York Times recently ran a neat article for people who are considering marrying that has advice from relationship experts on what to discuss. Several points relate to the question of having children.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? [My note: Remember, any issues may be passed on to the kids or may have an effect on their childhood environment.]

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

My answer is yes you should - one day, but there's no need for it to be "right away".

Engagements are for the period in between agreeing to marry one day, and actually getting married. They are a sign that you are more than boyfriend and girlfriend and are prepared to put the relationship on a more formal footing. It's also a time to be taking stock and making decisions such as about planning for things like children.

So, my advice is to take things one stage at a time. If she wants to get married to you now, she should still want to get married to you in 18 months time. But *you* need that period of adjustment, to go from defining yourself as someone's husband, to defining yourself as someone's boyfriend, then defining yourself as someone's fiance, then husband again and perhaps even a father.

If she asks, then agree to get engaged but don't commit to a marriage date until you've passed through all the other stages and feel ready.

Knowing you, your ex and your current having met all three of you at various stages of togetherness and apartness I'd say yes.

But at least wait until the D.I.V.O.R.C.E is absolute first. Give the ink time to be writen and then dry.

Just as long as the wedding service doesn't stipulate that I absolutely have to the groom

Er, DD, you've not met my current. At least I don't think you have. As far as I know she's never even heard of h2g2 let alone got an account here.

Ooh, the intrigue...

She really is a wonderful girl, three weeks older than me, but having achieved so much more with her life, she's played violin and viola at the Albert Hall, and sung there. She's also given two talks at Oxford University. These are things that people aspire to, and she's already done them. And what have I achieved? Well, I've run pubs and know more about booze than most people I've met. But is that any achievement? Okay on the plus side I've worked for M&C Saatchi in the past and I'm now developing some killer web based applications, but there's nothing there I'd say I was overly proud off, they've come too easy.

But hey, life isn't a competition, and your love life definately shouldn't be. So I'm not trying to compete, I'm just realising how much I've been wasting my life. Although I have enjoyed parts of it.

Oh, when I do next get married, you guys are definately all invited.

Ah.

Foot meet mouth, mouth, foot.

Get married again?

Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay single! Have fun!