h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nice to see you are recovering fron the divorce and your new athletic girlfriend is now playing with big balls. News flash New Zealand 28 South Africa 0 in the rugby test match played in NZ this afternoon (Saturday NZ time) NZ we lead the world in time.

Look out! It's SEEN us! It's coming this way! It's a...Thesaurus! And it's HUNGRY!!!

Anybody gotta gun?

Thanks Garibaldi, nice shot. Now, I would prefer to be abducted by the Grey aliens, having a sort of natural affinity with them. But I'm really not too fussed either way. So, are we making any progress here?

Apparently the hold-up in being abducted by aliens is the fault of our Australian passengers. Something to do with kangaroos. I am unreliably informed aliens do not appreciate people being a jump ahead of them

I think if we had more kangaroos here in the states we too could get a jump on the aliens.

Well, er...we have turkeys. They make funny noises....if it's worth anything. Whatdaell is boredom doing now? I though I put him in his cage for the night.... hey! Get out of my mouth! AHH! ----

Oh well. I guess I'll go pick the paint off the walls. That sounds...exciting.

Fenchurch M. etc may I be so presumptous as to recommend a small lie down in the rubber room. It is next to the one with the straightjackets.

I've tried to keep the kangaroos under control, but the wombats are spooking them.

As groupie in charge of Monica I feel that my first duty is lead and expedition into her hair to search for aliens. Dons mining helmet, 2 way radio and teddy bear. Writes letters to Mum, the chess society and to Cuba. Enters slowly....

Stands well back. Dons hard-hat made from koala hair encrusted with something sticky.

Uh, Boss? There's someone who looks like Sharon Stone in the rubber room... I would have no problem napping in there despite, but she's bouncing back and forth in there in a manner that leaves minimal room for me, nevermind this Boredom you left me in charge of...

Sorry Fenchurch M etc I should have told you. You have been given new duties. You are now in charge of zoolatry. The animals, or most of them, are in the pink room, just above the exotic disease lab.

You mean here? *points to door with big red-lettered flashing sign which reads : Do not enter, Exotic Disease Lab. Opens door, a vial of elephantitis falls onto her earlobe* AAhhh!!! What was that? Am I going to die????

Rushes to Fenchurch M. Mercury's rescue. Waves burning cross ± in front of escaping diseases. Points out the pink room and the elephants are actually upstairs. Reminds Fen etc the zoolatry conference is being held at Stonehenge next weekend. Pats pet rat Zyrokill.

Sighs with relief. Saved again. Then realises-

"Stonehenge?? But...that's in England...big rocks...in England...they won't like me, none of them will like me..." begins to shake "I...I've got to practice my James Bond accent and wish for the best... no one will like me... . MAybe... I should offer all of them FISH! Will that work? I hope it works..."

Returns to familiar corner to mechanically rock back and forth while hyperventilating.

"I want Winkie the towel."

Neverr fearr Mish Merrcurry, I live jusht a few milesh frrom Shtonehenge, and I can shee no prroblemsh therre. The Big Rochsh have not moved in agesh. Perhapsh I could take your plashe, sho you would not have to trravel?

How in hell else do you do impressions on a computer?

Oh, that's splendid, I feel be-a olready. Ahr there lo-s of places to eat as I ge- a bi- -ungry and I dewn't quiayte fohncy Bri-ish food.

I must admit, that was a good American impression when I read it aloud. I'm not that bad, though, because when I was little my mom would force me to pronounce things correctly. (she learned English the English way, and still speaks like that) As for your offer; if you took my place, you'd have to diligently take notes- or why not take a tape recorder as it would be easier? Or maybe I should go myself, to meet some other zoography-type people as I may need to speak to them if anything should happen...

Ever been to Stonehenge? It's not nearly as impressive as it looks in the photo's. Plus you can't see it for tourists, and every June 21st there's a punch up! Now Avebury Ring, just a few miles north, is much better. Lots of tourists, yes, but the thing is about 100 times the size, plus there's a Barrow just outside the village which is open, and there is a huge manmade hill.

A friend and I made a fairly funny video at Avebury, and we met a nice American couple, who thought that the population of the village should all be dressed up as Druids, Ancient Britons, half naked slave girls, etc.

Sorry, I got a bit serious there. Avebury would be a good place for the Alien Abductors to land, it's mystical, dramatic, and handy for the shops in Malborough!

OOPS! That's Marlborough! Quite liked the idea of the half naked slave girls, actually...

I'm sure you did.
*Spots travel brochure room and goes to it. Looks around for all the information about English rocks/manmade hills/etc.*
They have an address here for comments or concerns, you should write in.
*Puts in pocket and proceeds to pink room. Sighs. Sees that one of the monkeys have escaped.*
Hey, guys? One of the monkeys have escaped.
*Reading information about the Altairian transforming monkey*
This says that he may be anything-this species can change shapes into anything it wishes, although it is most comfortable in it's original monkey form or *gasps* towels named Winkie...

Hmmm, I don't think I am going to enjoy this trip.

And how took my kangaroo away? Hey? Come on, own up!!!! If I can't tie my kangaroo up each night, I will go more than slightly mad. Weren't you ever told not to interfere with an Aussie and his roo?

Ah stuff, I think I will just go use Looneytunes' sheep. I hear he has kept it nice and warm.

As for me being in charge of madness, this is already a mad ship with out me being in charge of it. I resign. I am going to bludge for a while.

Ohhh, a rubber doll the shape of Sharon Stone, ah that will fool the masses.

Be back in 5 mins

No, Garibaldi, you CAN'T quit, you just CAN'T!!! Please no no no no no.... you put a face to the mental tick, you give it a human quality, you can't just give it up!!?!?!

But wait a minute...what if you're not Garibaldi at all? What if you're that Altairian Monkey posing as him?!?!?!?

*Breaks down and cries* I don't know if I can go on like this much longer...