h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've written a short tale but i've looked for the 'fiction forum' and I can't figure it out - yes I am blonde but I am at work on a Sunday!

I would like my work critisied and stuff - I've spent a few moments writing it - so feel free to rip it to shreds! Could you relocate me if I am completely wrong - Thanks

Wandawoman

The year 2001. London - within the city's financial heart. Just another computer filled, open plan office.

This is the story of a twenty something single girl one morning, from the corner of the open plan office.

"07:28, thank goodness I've got to work on time" Susan sighs as she meets up with a couple of her night shift colleagues who are having a fag by the main entrance, "Sunday buses are always late, but the city being so empty it took less than 30 minutes to get in". Out of Clarice's fag filled mouth comes "You are flaming early - it's a Sunday - you don't start till 8.30". "B...ums - God every Sunday I forget we start an hour later" Susan tuts.

"Morning everyone - yes I know I'm early" Susan calls out to the near-empty office. On Sunday mornings the only people filling the office are the 3 night shifters and the security guard. They all look round - glad home-time has finally come. Susan nips into the Kitchenette at the back of the office, getting herself a coffee; it tastes like burnt oxtail soup.

The night shifters are her usual team; Susan hadn't worked with them for weeks - she's covering loads of holidays and sick leave. "Hi Clarice, how is everything" then silently she mouths "how is your man?" Clarice rolls her eyes, after a 8 hour night shift she doesn't want to talk about that dog, but Susan's keen wide eyes and nudging, persuades Clarice - the silent answer "He hasn't called" is mouthed back - then she hand gestures her heart breaking. Susan sighs "Why do we put ourselves through it?". They both nod in agreement.

To take Clarice away from her sad thoughts, Susan tells Clarice about the new money making venture she's started "I've begun doing Dominatrix". Clarice looks puzzled "You know when you dress up in tight PVC and leather - you don't have sex with blokes, just hit them with a whip or strap, and sometimes they ask to drink my wee from a shoe - stuff like that" Susan says eagerly. Shocked Clarice's asks "They want you to drink your piss?" "No - they drink it" Susan clarifies. Clarice's sarcastic response is "Well I suppose you have a dungeon all set up!" "No I've got a garage", Susan states wide eyed "The guys seem to like the rough concrete floor - I've just got my fourth client! Did you know these guys pay £100 for 30 minutes of torture and insults! Afterwards I take them upstairs for a cuppa - they're lovely blokes". Clarice's face is filled with shock, disgust and amazement, but like usual, Susan is blankly unaware - and simple smiles at her own resourcefulness!

"Susan - I'm ready to do the handover" Katie calls. Susan launches her wheeley chair to Katie's desk. "Hi Katie, how was everything last night?" "I'm afraid I've had a very slow, lazy night - I just thought bugger it, the two guys in yesterday evening seemed to do nothing so I thought - Why should I!!" Katie's reply fills Susan with glee... NOT, if Katie did sweet-FA that means all the more work for Susan - but not wanting to upset her usual work mate she says with a strained smile "Don't worry about it, I like to be kept busy".

Katie asks Susan about the college reunion Susan went to last weekend "It was great seeing everyone, there were a couple of ladies that hadn't lost their superior edge, but the others had had the life experiences to get humbled and decent". Susan had gone to a self-proclaimed 'Exclusive' college - the title allowing the staff to strut, and the students to believe in their own superiority. Susan being just an 18 year-old home-sick teenager, and doing a course filled with twentysomethings - had been looked apon as beneath most of the students. She was lucky to get in - she agreed, but an ample cleavage, short skirt, lip-gloss and the interviewing Lecturer being a man with balls on the verge of bursting, do make up for a flimsy resume. Plus Susan had a good grasp of Engineering which had got her through the entrance exam.

"At midnight there was only 7 of us left - we'd all been pushed out of the party boat's lounge and into the disco, the music was too loud to have a decent chat, so we were reduced to just grinning or shouting into each others ears. By 2am I was there with just Trevor and Brian. Trevor and I were doing Tequila shots intermixed with Vodka and coke - he wanted a photo of Brian and I kissing. I expected Brian to go 'Ergh Yuck' but instead he sat forward - we kissed" as Susan took a breath, Katie excitedly asked "And Yeah, was it nice!" "Well the kiss was very nice, a little embarrassing in front of Trevor - mind you when Trevor went to the loo I asked Brian for a re-run and still it was lovely..." Susan smiled at the memory. "Cutting to the chase the following morning at 11am Brian woke up with a smile on his lovely, swollen, knackered, druel covered face, jumps back into his booze/fag smelling clothes and leaves my house saying 'I'll call'". "So has he called? Katie asks "No the bugger has not - I can't believe it! We went to college for two years; we have a lovely evening and then nothing!! Why do we put ourselves through it?" Katie nods agreement!

Katie begins a run down of what has happened at work, like usual the majority is immaterial and just a couple of points need addressing. Susan diligently marks the relative points and scribbles notes for when and what to do.

Katie perks up on remembering that she saw Colin Firth down her local two days ago. "Yeah Susan - you know DARCY - I saw him down the pub". "Who's Darcy?" Susan asks. "You know, the bloke from Pride and Prejudice - remember the hunk that jumps into the pond with a nighty and riding boots on. He comes out of the water wet and sexy... Come on girl you must remember" Katie wills Susan to think hard. "Oh Yes" Susan replies with a far-a-way look in her eyes, "God he is beautiful - and he was down your local!!! What did you say Katie?" "Well nothing" Katie said sheepishly "But he looked at me and I... you know, smiled". "What! That is Pathetic" Susan blasts "If I saw Mr 'Sex-On-Legs' I wouldn't just smile - I'd be up there like a shot, I'd be offering him a drink - course I would of made sure to go to the toilets; push up me boobs, make sure my mascara was still caked onto the lashes, not smudged under my eyes. God you said nothing! Mind you he was probably dripping with model types.. Aay?". Katie slowly answers "Well he seemed to be by himself, reading a paper - he didn't seem to be waiting for anyone, then after a couple of hours he left". Susan Gulped with disbelief "So You are telling Me that DARCY was sitting by HIMSELF for HOURS and you didn't even ask him the time or anything! Bejeeezus girl - are you mad - if you didn't fancy him yourself you could at least phoned me - I might have been home with the a broken leg and rabies but I would of made it to your local! "Another missed opportunity" Susan sighs, "But if he turns up again PLEASE call!"

Jimmy the boss walks in - he stretches and yawns out a hello. Katie and Susan reply with an unenthusiastic Hiya then say their goodbyes to one another "So Katie if you go down the pub and see Darcy phone me, if you go to the shops and James Bond's Pierce Brosnan is picking up his weekly shopping then call me, if you're sitting in the Dentist waiting room and Ralph Fiennes is reading a 10yr old Women's Own magazine then call ME, Ok!" "OK Ok ok Susan, I'll see you next week -bye" Katie limply waves her farewell.

Mr Anal Valance, the big big boss calls from home. He's monitoring the offices output and has noticed a few numbers are wrong. It won't cost the company didley-squat or cause any problems but his nickname isn't Anal for nothing. Jimmy spurts out a few expletives then warns us about joining in his cacophony of swear words by saying the office is bugged. We all settle down to surfing the net and watching MTV base - oh yeah - we do the odd job when it crops up!

Hi Wandawoman,

h2g2 Fiction is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A294833
There was a conversation thread there marked 'Fiction' but it seems to have disappeared, which has caused a little confusion!
Anyway, you need to put your tale into a Guide Entry... to do this go to your user space and add a new guide entry - there's a button on the left marked 'Add Entry' or something. When you've done that make a note of the address (something like A123456, it's shown in the top right corner of an entry)... then come to h2g2 Fiction and tell me where it is in a new conversation. I'll put a link to it from h2g2 Fiction then.
Sorry I haven't got time to read it right now... hopefully I'll come online again tomorrow and have a look

Thanks anyway!